The night was perfect; clear and crisp without the sound of a single siren. The sound of people locking their doors was like a chorus of beautiful music to his ears. No lock made had yet managed to keep this infamous thief out-not yet anyways. He sat on the tallest spire in this small outlandish town, a church bell tower. It gave him the perfect view of almost the entire area, from his perch he could see who was home, who wasn't, who was still awake, who had gone to bed. Everything he needed to know all from the safety of of his perch. While it might be the year 2016, this town was built and seemed to live as though it was still in the 1800’s, he had moved here three years ago and found it beyond strange, but it made his work that much easier-most nights anyways.
The one thing this town did have, was a massive amount of gangs. Or something like that, it was like there were packs of animals ruling this town, more than this small area should have been able to sustain at least. The thief stopped contemplating whether or not he wanted to go to work this night, and threw a rope over the side of the bell tower. Grappling down, something that he was very fond of, as well as running across the house roofs that were so closely built it was like a second road to him.
The house he decided to hit was dark and quiet, no one had been home all day. As he had watched them leave two days ago, on a vacation probably. He entered quickly through the back door, the locks were the newest model, and only gave him enough trouble to keep him out for about ten minutes. Once he was inside, the smell of the house hit him; it was a pleasant smelling house to say the least. The smell of apple pie was baked right into the walls, the dank smell of the couple who lived here was the only smell that stood out and made him wrinkle his nose in distaste.
The night had been going so well, oh so very well. The house was loaded with things that he could sell no problem and for a high price. High end bracelets and gems from the jewelry box on the woman's makeup table. A few expensive furs in the closet down the hall. A stash of coins behind some books in the living room, it was as he snuck back down into the kitchen to begin a once over that his luck snapped. It started with a single howl, something that everyone knew the sound of. Had the thief been smart, he would have hidden in the closet somewhere out of sight; instead he continued to loot the place.
While there was indeed a police force bent on bringing this town into the 2016 era of technology and justice. There was one thing they would never be able to replace once the town came into the era it was supposed to be living in. The sound of the Shade gang coming through the streets, they were almost literally a gang of wolves, and they howled and prowled the streets like them. It was even rumored that they could turn into real wolves, but all the good folk only used that to scare the children into getting home before dark and staying inside. Too bad he belonged to a gang that lived just on the outskirts of this odd town.
It was when the howls resounded that the thief stopped and listened, many were relatively close, and while these people weren't police, they protected the people they took from at least, like any proper gang. If you were caught in their territory without a reason and stealing from their turf, they would chew you up and spit you out no questions asked. He stood there hoping that they would pass on, that they wouldn't notice that the back door had been left slightly ajar, curse his memory.
But what kind of gang where they if they couldn't even catch a single thief as messy as this one? Not a very professional one that was for sure. What surprised the thief though, was the fact that only one person entered the house, it was a small enough house that he would have seen anyone enter should they. The person had most their face and body covered in black cloth, but that didn't stop the curves from showing, both on her stomach, and on her arms and chest. Signifying that she was not only a girl, but one strong enough to snap your neck in less time than it took to speak a single word.
The thief stood tall, coming out of his crouch to face this single adversary, till he saw the cheeks lift and could just imaging how wide the smile was behind that mask. Then he saw the darkness rolling into the room, a darkness filled with quiet chatter and hundreds of eyes. The chatter was not a language he understood, it was foreign and was grating on his ears, making his head feel like it was going to explode. The woman in front of him, is the leader of this darkness, of the demons within it, and as she pulls the mask down and tips her to the left slightly, giving a low quiet laugh, he catches the flash of white teeth and black eyes before he turns and runs.
The leader replaces her mask and signals to her group to take the younger ones on a hunt, but not to harm the man, he belonged to a rival gang after all. Let him spread the tales of a demon mistress who controlled a mass of darkness. Half the group took after the man, whooping and howling, while the leader replaced all the things he had been trying to steal. The man did just as she had hoped, he returned to his boss and begged forgiveness as he told his tale of a woman who could control a living mass of demons and darkness that could make your head explode just from talking, about a woman whose eyes were darker than the deepest hole and a smile so cold it would freeze you where you stood. The leader of the Shade gang was a demon mistress with a legion of darklings under her beck and call.
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Canary word: Present
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Hi! Cricket here for a review!
I'd have to say that this is actually my idea of a prologue. Nothing that gives away too much, but still gives enough information to where I can understand what this might be heading.
Now while I think you did an awesome job starting the story off with a prologue (I dislike the usage of prologues, so it's very rare for me to actually like one), I don't know who is the MC. This woman or the thief? At first it was the thief, and then it changed to the woman. I read through it and I tried to imagine it all in one or the other all the way throughout, and I'd have to say that it would be better if the POV for the prologue was omniscient. I think if would be better, mainly so that you'll be able to have an overview for the reader to see, instead of it switching so suddenly. Will be less confusing for the reader and might give off a better setting.
The other thing that I would love to talk about is, show don't tell. It's actually not too bad, but there are still some cases where you need to brush up on it. For instance, if somebody is frightened, you wouldn't say that directly outwards, but rather give examples of how they are frightened. Hair standing up on their back, arms or legs shaking, ect.., Saying directly outright, excites no emotion in the reader and also doesn't give them a very good image. There was some exceptional imagery in this, but not nearly enough to get the reader completely interested.
This was a pretty big run-on here. Starting really after 1800's, you should try and put it into a different sentence.
I noticed that you have a tendency of having indirect thought directly after one element of your sentence. The oh, so very well is what I'm talking about. It happens quite a bit throughout this work, and it might be a good idea to take a couple out. Only a few though, as some are necessary, to build onto the sentence.
Whoooah, that's one strong girl. <3
I think you were going for repetition here, with a woman but it honestly came off as redundancy. I'd suggest trying to slip that in without the a woman and find some other way around it.
Okay, well I think that's it for now! PM me if you have any questions, and I'll move on to your Chapter 1.
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Good start! I really want to know what's going to happen next, and I've got the feeling that the Shade Gang leader's gonna be the main character,
Only problems I see here are grammatical issues. You've got a bunch of run-ons, e.g.
This should be:
And:
Should be:
ot a very professional one anyways.
Also, on the second-to-last paragraph you used the word "advisory." I think you meant "adversary."
Proofreading's the only thing I'd advise you to do for this part. You're the one who's going to add more to your ideas since this is only the beginning of your story.
So keep it up! Hope this review helped.
Thanks so much for pointing out those, run-ons are my one true enemy XD. I did put this through a few proof reads and one by someone else before i posted it here, but alas, it seems something go missed. Thanks so much, although, i don't understand the 'F'
Still trying to get used to the code. The red F was supposed to be a dash
You're doing better than i would have lol. Don't know how to use bbcode, but thanks for that
Hey,
I think this is great! I'm so excited to read more... you are writing more right? Please don't decide to stop! You used really nice descriptive words that I found to be really engaging and they created the feeling of really being there.. at least for me! This little world you have created is captivating and you have a really nice grasp on how these story's should be written! You have a nice use of punctuation and capitalization to. I love the range of vocabulary and how most words were repeated no more then necessary. Good job, I look forward to reading more of this story in the future!
Sincerely,
Collideascope.
Thanks a lot for the feedback! I have been writing for a few years now, but they never seem to turn out well the longer i write >~< of course, I'm not very old so i have lots of time to learn.
I know the feeling
I have a lot to learn about my poetry to
I really love this and can not wait until you come out with the chapters for it. It was a great read, that captured the details of the scene perfectly. I thought everything was great. I do not have much to critique you on. I know this is only the prologue but, as a reader, I would like to know a little more about the thief. Awesome job! Love it. Keep on writing.
The thief is not going to be a main character and only appears for this portion of the story so i didn't not think i needed to add more to his 'character' and so, did not give him much detail XD. If you have suggestions feel free to throw them around. I'm always looking for ideas and suggestions!
This was a really great beginning to, I hope, an even better story. The imagery was fantastic. Being blessed (or cursed depending on the day) with a great imagination and slight photographic memory (when I want) I could imagine exactly what was happening. If there is anything I can critique you on it's that I want perhaps a bit more description of the thief. Other than that this is beautifully written. I hope to see more of your work in the weeks to come!
Thanks so much! I'm happy that you enjoyed this and i will see what i can do to make it a bit more detailed on such things in the future.
I'm glad I can help.
Wow!
That was a really great start of something I would like to read more of. I'm loving your writing style, and I admire how you're able to create lengthy paragraphs without making me want to skip ahead to the action. Your words flow very smoothly and this story has a good vibe to it. There's just two mistakes I noticed.
I"ll definitely being reading and reviewing the next chapters of this.
The one thing this town did have,was a massive (There should be a space before 'was')
as he had watched them leave two days ago, (You forgot to capitalize the 'a' in 'as')
The last paragraph was probably my favorite of all, and its a great cliffhanger. It got me very interested and left me wanting more.
Awesome job!
~BookWolf
Thanks so much, hopefully i can get enough coins quick enough to post ch 1
Thanks for the edit, will do that now!