Mary the Slave girl

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

The night was dark, darker than normal. A young girl in a dirty, worn out dress dragged her feet across the fields, heading towards the one place she had ever known in her whole life.

The Slave Quarters.

“Mary! You get your black ass in your pigpen right now, girly!” yelled a white man from a big white columned house. His face was an egg white, the ugliest Mary had ever seen. The man was fat, but tall and had a trimmed beard matched with a balding head. His voice was deep and possibly smooth even at the worse times, but right now, it was stained with the stench of hatred.

“I’m on my way right now, Master.” Mary replied, her voice dripping with sarcasm and hatred, but the man dismissed those notes and only heard what he wanted to hear, the obeying slave with a honey tipped voice.

“That’s right girly, and don’t you go screwing around or you’ll be headin’ towards that breedin’ shed earlier than the rest.” The Slave owner laughed evilly.

Mary curtsied and headed down the hill from the big house and past the garden of fruit trees, the farm animals and an assortment of flowers.

“Dere you are Mary, quick darlin’ and fetch me some o’ dat honey for da night’s suppah.”

Mary smiled at the old women in front of her, standing by a pot of stew with another young girl helping her with the oven full of cornbread.

"Of course, Nell. Anythin' for you."

The old woman dubbed Nell smiled back a crooked smile and then went back to working.

Mary returned, handing Nell the honey and then began helping the other girl with handing out the cornbread to all the other slaves.

Hey there, im Angela.

I enjoyed your story, it was very well written but i had a few objections.
First, the title. ''Mary the Slave Girl'' is very shallow and generic. It would be better i think if you used something important from your story or an idea you're trying to get across as your title. Make it personal, make it yours.
Second, I disliked the slave owner's character. He was overly cruel and i was not intimidated by him. And what are the ''breeding sheds''? It would have been better if you had described what they were exactly, strike some fear into the heart of the reader for what could possibly happen to Mary.

That aside, as i said before, i did enjoy your story and would like to see more.

You need to add way more to your story. It was way to short. I liked what you wrote about though. I also liked how you showed the hatred between the to races, white and black.
I didn't like how you said

The old woman dubbed Nell,

The title drew me in but, it was very short. I found that it was well written but, tell us more about your character. Give us some more emotion. Draw a picture for us. Describe things in great detail. Tell us about the slave quarters. We need more. This could have potential. It is captivating if you only gave us more. In my humble opinion, you just continue this story. It is intriguing. Best of luck,
Ballerina

Hi, I just have two historically accurate facts for you:

1. During the Pre Civil War Era slaves usually did NOT have honey available to them. During that time honey was considered a treat (like sugar) and was meant only for people who could actually afford it. Now, slaves were able to obtain honey or sugar, but only on certain holidays (like Christmas, when most slave masters were feeling generous).

2. Keep in mind that the slave masters back then rarely ever socialized with their slaves. Most slave masters were part of the upper class, and would have spent their time indoors entertaining guests or relaxing. They hired somebody to be an "overseer", someone who's job was to make sure all the slaves were working as they should and punish them if they weren't.

If you are continuing on with your story I suggest you find books with specific details on slavery in the U.S. Here is a book I recommend you read: ...If You Lived When There Was Slavery In America, By Anne Kamma. ...If You Lived When There Was Slavery In America is a very informative yet easy book to read that's just about 62 pages long.

Hey!

I liked your story but got a little confused with the accents. Sometimes they were there other times they were not. I think you should add to it andthat the story needs more backround. Like who is Mary? How did she get to be a slave and who is her master? What's his deal? Stuff like that! Keep on goin'!

Hi, honey. Your ideas for this story have potential, but, of course, I have a few suggestions.

1. She either has an accent or doesn't. (You'll have to excuse me until I figure out how to quote stories. I'm brand new.) She sounds like she doesn't have any African American influence in her speech until she says, "Anythin'".

2. I don't find it cruel or demeaning for the master of the house to call her 'girly', and I think that's what you were going for. Perhaps you should stick with just 'girl'.

3. The comments about both the man's voice and the girl's voice seem confused and contradicting. His voice can be smooth, even at the worst of times, but now it's not? I would leave out the part about it being smooth. Also, I understand what you're trying to say about the girl's voice being sarcastic, etc., but you could find a clearer way to say that.

You are a dauntless writer, and, like me, it seems that you have all these wonderful ideas buzzing around in your head and are just seeking to write them down crystal clear and fluid as soon as you can. But I've learned that if you just get it out, you can look at it, and have others look at it. And you can move on from there. And that is just what you have done.

I like this! Are you adding more?

This is good. I like the idea, but ther was one part that really bothered me

“That’s right girly, and don’t you go screwing around or you’ll be headin’ towards that breedin’ shed earlier than the rest.” The Slave owner laughed evilly.

Hae this has got potential plz keep writing as your first sentence drew me in.

Shadow_Thief13 wrote:The night was dark, darker than normal.

Shadow_Thief13 wrote:A young girl in a dirty, worn out dress dragged her feet across the fields, heading towards the one place she had ever known in her whole life.

Shadow_Thief13 wrote:The Slave Quarters.

Shadow_Thief13 wrote:“Mary! You get your black ass in your pigpen right now, girly!” yelled a white man from a big white columned house. His face was an egg white, the ugliest Mary had ever seen. The man was fat, but tall and had a trimmed beard matched with a balding head. His voice was deep and possibly smooth even at the worse times, but right now, it was stained with the stench of hatred.

Shadow_Thief13 wrote:“I’m on my way right now, Master.” Mary replied, her voice dripping with sarcasm and hatred, but the man dismissed those notes and only heard what he wanted to hear, the obeying slave with a honey tipped voice.

Shadow_Thief13 wrote:“That’s right girly, and don’t you go screwing around or you’ll be headin’ towards that breedin’ shed earlier than the rest.” The Slave owner laughed evilly.

Shadow_Thief13 wrote:Mary curtsied and headed down the hill from the big house and past the garden of fruit trees, the farm animals and an assortment of flowers.

Shadow_Thief13 wrote:“Dere you are Mary, quick darlin’ and fetch me some o’ dat honey for da night’s suppah.”

Shadow_Thief13 wrote:Mary smiled at the old women in front of her, standing by a pot of stew with another young girl helping her with the oven full of cornbread.

"Of course, Nell. Anythin' for you."
The old woman dubbed Nell smiled back a crooked smile and then went back to working.

Mary returned, handing Nell the honey and then began helping the other girl with handing out the cornbread to all the other slaves.

I think you have a good start here, and I am interested in seeing where you want to take the plot. I am new to the forums, and haven't done much writing in some time, but here goes:

The night was dark, darker than normal. A young girl in a dirty, worn out dress dragged her feet across the fields, heading towards the one place she had ever known in her whole life.

The Slave Quarters.

“Mary! You get your black ass in your pigpen right now, girly!” yelled a white man from a big white columned house. (just 'a' big white columned house? Since it is the residence of the antagonist, it is his proverbial lair and should be described in villianous granduer fitting a wealthy southern landowner) His face was an egg white (would take out the 'an'), the ugliest Mary had ever seen. The man was fat, but tall and had a trimmed beard matched with a balding head. His voice was deep and possibly smooth even at the worse times, but right now, it was stained with the stench of hatred. (good description)

“I’m on my way right now, Master.” Mary replied, her voice dripping with sarcasm and hatred, but the man dismissed those notes and only heard what he wanted to hear; the obeying slave with a honey tipped voice.

“That’s right girly, and don’t you go screwing around or you’ll be headin’ towards that breedin’ shed earlier than the rest.” The Slave owner laughed evilly. (What kind of man is the slave owner, other than being a generally bad person. Given how he was described earlier (trimmed beard and living in a very expensive house), I am wondering whether he is an educated member of the southern slaveowning gentry (as his description would indicate) or a commericial farmer who used slaves who worked alongside him (as his language would indicate)? As a historical note, the term 'screwing' was not in widespread use among the gentry at the time)

Mary curtsied and headed down the hill from the big house and past the garden of fruit trees, the farm animals and an assortment of flowers. (Does Mary have formal 'ladylike' training? A curtsy doesn't seem appropriate for an uneducated slave during the time period.)

“Dere you are Mary, quick darlin’ and fetch me some o’ dat honey for da night’s suppah.”
Mary smiled at the old women in front of her, standing by a pot of stew with another young girl helping her with the oven full of cornbread.

"Of course, Nell. Anythin' for you."
The old woman dubbed Nell smiled back a crooked smile and then went back to working.

Mary returned, handing Nell the honey and then began helping the other girl with handing out the cornbread to all the other slaves.

The night was dark, darker than normal. A young girl in a dirty, worn out dress dragged her feet across the fields, heading towards the one place she had ever known in her whole life.


The Slave Quarters. [This doesn't need to be capitalized]


“Mary! You get your black ass in your pigpen right now, girly!” yelled a white man from a big white columned house [I've already read this through once, and the only thing I really have a problem with in your writing is the descriptions. They're not deep enough, and don't have a nice flow to them. For example, I would word this entence differently, just because while I know what you're trying to get at, I want more. So: ...a white man yelled from the house. I Mary envied its beauty. The house stood majestic on a hill, its tall, whiet columns gleaming in the morning sun]. His face was an egg white, the ugliest Mary had ever seen [Worded oddly. The way it is, I keep thinking you mean the egg-white color is the ugliest Mary's ever seen, when you mean his face, correct?]. The man was fat, but tall and had a trimmed beard matched with a balding head. His voice was deep and possibly smooth even at the worse times, but right now, it was stained with the stench of hatred. [Since it would take a while for me to point out the tiny errors in this sentence, I'll just throw out another example of mine of what I would do with this sentence: The man was tall, his waistline extending well over the belt holding his pants up. The trimmed beard covering his bulbous chin matched the little hair left on his balding head. The master's voice, as it called my name, was deep and smooth as it always was. But despite this I could feel the underlining hatred underlining the words]


“I’m on my way right now, Master.” [Comma instead of period] Mary replied, her voice dripping with sarcasm and hatred [How about returned hatred, since you've already used the word?], but the man dismissed those notes and only heard what he wanted to hear, [Colon instead of comma] the obeying slave with a honey tipped voice. [It would be better, I think, to keep this simple, since you already have so much description above? I would use something like: an obediant slave. Short and sweet and tells us what we need to know]


“That’s right girly, and don’t you go screwing around or you’ll be headin’ towards that breedin’ shed earlier than the rest.” The Slave owner laughed evilly. [Two things: Slave doesn't need to be capitalized, and two, the use of evilly. I just hate that word. No offense, but it's overused and too melodramatic. There are so many synonyms for it out there - you just need to look]


Mary curtsied and headed down the hill from the big house and past the garden of fruit trees, the farm animals [Comma] and an assortment of flowers [Wouldn't it be a garden, then?].


“Dere you are Mary, quick darlin’ and fetch me some o’ dat honey for da night’s suppah.” [Good dialogue here]

Mary smiled at the old women in front of her, standing by a pot of stew with another young girl helping her with the oven full of cornbread.


"Of course, Nell. Anythin' for you."

The old woman dubbed Nell [Don't need all this. Since you've just told us who the old woman is, you can just use Nell] smiled back a crooked smile and then went back to working.


Mary returned, handing Nell the honey and then began helping the other girl with handing out the cornbread to all the other slaves.

Hi there! It was a really good story! A little short though, but still good! But I think it was a little simple. The story was written very well, and had a good plot but it just came upon as simple to me... if you understaned what I mean. When the slave master called the girl "girly" in my personal opinion whenever I hear it being used its usually in an affectionate tone of voice you know? So I think you could've used something else like "girl" or something mean, you understand what I mean? And also, props to the title! The title really drew me in! Really good job!

Hey guys, ST here...

I've been really busy with school and my computer has been having problems. I don't get many chances to use my home computer seeing my parents use it, but I'll try to update soon.

I was only able to reply to you guys right now because I came down with a fever, sorry, but I'll try to update and put some detail in here for you guys.

Also, thanks Daniel for the idea of a different title, if anyone has any ideas let me know becuase I'm not very good with them.

Thanks again,

ST

What up girlfriend? Liked your story a lot. I am always drawn to stories about slaves in America, being a huge (and I mean HUGE) fan of Uncle Tom's Cabin, by Harriet Beecher Stowe. I like the character Mary, she seems smart and spirited. Perhaps the cruel slave owner is a little cliched, but it is true that an unfortunate number of slave owners really were that way. Chivalry was definitely dead with them, as is evident from the way he talks to Mary, a young girl. I wish you'd tell a little more about what Mary looks like--is she plain or pretty, dark-skinned or light-skinned, tall or petite?
If I had to give you one piece of advice, it would be that maybe in your next chapter you could put in a little more plot development. Like in this first chapter, you introduced three characters but didn't tell much about them or set the plot in motion.
Overall though, you have piqued my interest! I can't wait to read more; PM me when you post your next chapter.
Could you add me as a friend too?

Me Again

Shadow Thief,

I want more, and I'm sure I ain't alone.

It would be amazing if you could add more to this (finish the chapter, maybe?) and just do more and more. This story has great potential.

Let's have some more!

I really like it. It's short, and you really need to make it longer to create a definite plot, because there's no clear direction where it's going at the moment. But you've got the language prettymuch down, except at that time I don't think they would have said "ass" so you need to find something else to take the place of it, and your setting and character development is sound. You need to go through and make the whole thing nice and skinny now, rewording sentences and using one word in place of three or four where you can, like in " the old woman dubbed Nell." That sounds smoother and feels more accurate if you put it as, "Nell." You can bring out over time the fact that she's old and Nell's a woman's name anyway.
also, you used "the old women," where I think you meant "the old woman". You need singular, not plural. You should use a semi-colon for "Mary, quick, darlin'" instead of the comma. Other than that, I think it's really good; it just needs to be longer.

I loved it. In fact, I have given it a golden star (and that takes alot from the likes of myself!)

Anyhow, this intro/extract of your story is quite amazing, well, it gives me the impression that the finished novel is going to be quite amazing- one that I wouldn't mind reading.

I love the charecter of Mary already; she seems kind-hearted, gentle and loving but at the same time shows signs that she is fiery and strong. In actual fact, I liked all of the 3 charecters, they seem good.

However, I do strongly think that more, not alot, but more description of the setting needs to be included, because after reading the piece, I can't say that I had a strong view of where anyone was.

Also, the title of Mary the Slave Girl, doesn't fit. I think something more philosophical would be alot better, it would fit, sound prestigious, and draw readers in by the hundreds. I would suggest something along the line of "Beside the greener grass." I don't know, just a suggestion off of the top of my head, but I reckon you get the jist.

Anyway, THANKYOU for posting this- I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Hi!

The night was dark, darker than normal.

heading towards the one place she had ever known in her whole life.

“I’m on my way right now, Master.”

Mary curtsied and headed down the hill from the big house and past the garden of fruit trees, the farm animals and an assortment of flowers.

“Dere you are Mary, quick darlin’ and fetch me some o’ dat honey for da night’s suppah.”

Mary smiled at the old women in front of her,

The old woman dubbed Nell smiled back a crooked smile and then went back to working.

Mary returned, handing Nell the honey and then began helping the other girl with handing out the cornbread to all the other slaves

Hi,
This is a very interesting piece you have here. Although, reading about the hardship, if you could even call it that, that all slaves went through makes me feel disgusted.

All my edits, comments and suggestions will be in bold:

The night was dark, darker than normal. A young girl in a dirty, worn out dress dragged her feet across the fields, heading towards the one place she had ever known in her whole life:

The Slave Quarters.

“Mary! You get your black ass in your pigpen right now, girly!” yelled a white man from a big white columned house. His face was an egg white, the ugliest Mary had ever seen. The man was fat, but tall and had a trimmed beard matched with a balding head. His voice was deep and possibly smooth even at the worse times, but right now, it was stained with the stench of hatred.

“I’m on my way right now, Master.” Mary replied, her voice dripping with sarcasm and hatred, but the man dismissed those notes and only heard what he wanted to hear, the obeying slave with a honey tipped voice.

“That’s right girly, and don’t you go screwing around or you’ll be headin’ towards that breedin’ shed earlier than the rest.” The Slave owner laughed evilly.

Mary curtsied and headed down the hill from the big house and past the garden of fruit trees, the farm animals and an assortment of flowers.

“Dere' you are Mary, quick darlin’ and fetch me some o’ dat honey for da night’s suppah.” I love how did the dialogue, it fits perfectly.

Mary smiled at the old women in front of her, standing by a pot of stew with another young girl helping her with the oven full of cornbread.

"Of course, Nell. Anythin' for you."

The old woman dubbed Nell smiled back a crooked smile and then went back to work.

Mary returned, handing Nell the honey and then began helping the other girl with handing out the cornbread to all the other slaves.

Hi!

This was very, very short. Are you planning on adding to it? Although the title drew me in, it sounds a bit childish, you know? so maybe change it.

Story-wise, it was quite good, but your writing did run a little awkwardly at times. Like here:

The old woman dubbed Nell smiled back a crooked smile and then went back to working.

“I’m on my way right now, Master.” Mary replied...