Please R&R. Thanks:D.
Lost and Discovered
Prologue (part 1):
Alvr sat impatiently. Fifty thousand years he had waited to be free. Twenty thousand years since he had been isolated to the pit of Kronos, the old god of Time was his only company. The place was now quite nice since he moved here, building things with Kronos’ help. Not a bad guy really, Kronos, just a bit misunderstood, and the power that grew within him started to make him go crazy, Alvr was just accused of murdering his own twin brother because he discovered how to kill an immortal, but that’s a different story.
Dong! Dong! Dong!
Midnight. He was free at last, but Roxanne was nowhere to be found. She was always on time, his wife, but he decided not to wait and see if she remembered to pick him up and headed out the door to start a new beginning. Leaving a note to Kronos to let him know he had left and that he would visit now and again.
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Charon sat patiently on the banks of the River Styx, scratching his skull, waiting for Alvr to meet him. He knew that he would arrive later than usual because his wife wouldn’t be there to pick him up. Ever since he’d left, Hades had found himself a queen that Roxanne now served. And seeing that it was summer, Roxanne could not leave the Upper world. Suddenly a fiery red light appeared out of the tunnel on the other side of the Styx. It occurred to Charon that Alvr would never stop taking great care of his war horses. They were in the perfect shape those horses. But the most powerful of them was Alvr’s fire breed horse, Charcoal. The horse had the blackest coat anyone would probably ever see on a horse and manes of fire. People would sometimes mistake them for the horses that Apollo owned but those kind only came with bright coats.
Galloping to a stop besides Charon, Alvr jumped of Charcoal and gave his old friend a bear hug.
“Ollie,” wheezed Charon, calling Alvr by his old nickname. “ Get a grip ‘n’ let go!”
“We haven’t seen each other in twenty-thousand years and that’s all you can talk about? Pain?” Alvr replied in his booming voice, but relunctantly he let go.
Charon stared in awe at his friends’ appearance. Long gone were the unkept black hair and intensly bright green eyes, he now had pure white hair and silver eyes. The eyes still had that mischevious joy, and his face still clean shaven, but the face. The face of Alvr Magmius, the ex-god of Destruction and the Elements had a mature feeling about him now. A stern look was barely visible, lightly sketched upon Alvr’s face.
“Looks like a really happy ‘Oh, I just found a brilliant way to take over the world (or something of the likes) look”
Indeed he did, one glance at the once most distructive immortal alive and anyone would think he was a intellegint, wise man that was still young at heart.
Charon then chose to speak up again after they both had looked over eachother.
“Hard to believe you could still be like that in the heart for someone older than Chaos himself!”
“So true Charon, so true.” Said a man standing the shadows.
Hades.
TBC
End of chapter
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141,367 Literary Works • 674,382 Reviews
I liked it, but I would just suggest making it a bit more coherant with your characters.
Another good post
Well done.
However, there are a few things. Again, again, again- description of the setting! It's something that this needs . Don't get me wrong, it's good, it's a good start to what, potentially, could be a good story, just needs description of setting. Only because when I read it, it felt as though the characters were wandering in an empty void. I'm sure you understand what I'm yapping about.
Anyhow, brilliant, I shall now make my way to Chapter 1 and 2
Dan
I must say...This was...Interesting...How to put this...Definitly needs work, but in all do time it shall blossom...Spelling errors, punctuation...The plots good...We should work together...I think I could help...Anyways...
Death
P.S. I like the sound of where you live! Heh heh.
It was interesting, but as Heather said, you really need to develop the characters, and maybe start a little earlier. I mean, we don't even know what any of the riders' names are, and definitely not anything about them.
Also, you may want to make things clearer. I could read it, but some parts still didn't make much sense.
Good luck,
Sela
Hey there Thief! I think this still needs some work but it's good. I love the theme of mythology running through it and I really can't wait to see how Hades will react to having his child stolen. That's a rather original idea and quite ironic considering he's the one usually doing the kidnapping.
[I'd suggest moving this whole section. The explanation is for the reader's benefit only. Instead, describe how the knights are dressed in old-fashioned armour, draw the reader's attention towards it more. Research a little, find out exactly how it would have looked and add a sense of history to this piece.]I think most of your characters are a little flat at the moment, especially the dark knight and her various siblings. You need to describe them more and show their emotions and individual voices. A lot of this is 'they all' or 'everyone' but you need to show the diversity and conflict between these characters. They may be working together on this task but I'm pretty sure they hold different ideas.
Here's a few suggestions that should help a little -
It was nearly midnight when five riders finally reached a pair of large, golden gates[s],[/s] ; [s]with[/s] a ruby plate embedded in the center.
A symbol of power [What is this? You need to describe it!] was placed above the doorway that flew down to make a bridge, creating passage to the group. Carefully, the knights crossed the bridge so they wouldn’t fall into the boiling lava surrounding the castle. [I'd rephrase the second sentence. Maybe something like 'The knights crossed the bridge carefully, avoiding the deadly lava that encircled the castle.']
Once everyone [s]sat down[/s] was seated, [s]when[/s] smoke started to swirl above the seat of the head chair, shaping into a man.
“It has been way too long since I last saw you, My Love.
Everybody else wished the meeting was over with and [s]not have[/s] that they could avoid disturbing thoughts or images in their minds.
Pausing to [s]except[/s] accept a drink from a servant, he continued,” Only five of these children will be taking the main seats of power.
______________________________
This is a nice start but you need to add more description and I think it would be good if you started earlier on in the knight's journey to show some interaction between them and to give the reader more of a sense of the presense of the kidnapped child. It would give you a chance to separate their personalities before you introduce other characters.
Hope this helps and feel free to ask questions,
Heather xx
Once again I have updated, I hope you all like this rewrite better!
ST
I like this version better than Hidden Secrets.
But by the way I think thing will turn out. Use the title as a sequel one.
You had a couple of mistakes again. And a repition in the first paragraph.
Yikes! I know you can write better than that.
See you around,
D7M
I have a problem. I got lost in the first paragraph... What is happening?
I'm somewhat confused.
I read it twice, and I still am.
I can't tell who's who.
Maybe I just didn't read it properly. o.0
Yours truly,
Memento Mori
UPDATED!!!!!!
R&R please!
Hey ST!
I think I like the other title more, but probably not for this type of story. This didn't seem very interesting. I found myself looking back down to see how much more I had to read. As the other had said, if your doing Greek mythology then please stick with the gods that are in the mythology. It's sort of confusing when you add new people.
Anyway... I think the edited version was a lot better! I liked the description of the person you put at the beginning. As well as the fact that this is about Greek mythology. Very good! Tell me when you write more!
Okay, let's get started!
I am really sorry but you shouldn't give us an info dump right at the beginning. I've learned from experience and you shouldn't tell us a lot about her all at one time, it's just too much to take in.
Just a comma here will do I think.
[quote].” Thought Crissiphone.[quote]
A comma after Crissiphone and only a majiscule "t".
[quote]A) Runaway, B) Complete your dreams as Megadon, or C) Live with it.”
When you mention the a's and b's in the dialogue, you don't need to add the brackets. (not sure)
Other than that I think that the edited version was much better! Good work!
Phebe!
Hi. Thought it was interesting, but it isn't something I would normally read. I was kind of forcing myself through it. I was confused at Crissiphone's first thoughts, because they were put as if she was speaking them. Thoughts typically go in Italics.
I felt like there were too many things left hanging... of course you might be taking care of them later. Such as: “Ereiclules, how many times do I have to tell you, don’t hurt yourself. Especially because of your bad right arm and left leg.” Hades said.How did he hurt his arm and leg? Why are they bad?
And I didn't like the way you put this: Just like her year younger twin brother Ereickules. Might want to work on that.
It was extremely creative though. I liked how you used actual God names and the whole Mount Olympus thing. That was cool.
One more thing: I would've liked to hear more about Crissiphone. I thought the story was going to be about her, but then all these other characters were put in and described--too fast, I felt like.
Keep writing. All in all, interesting.
Hey, there! Here's your second review:
Avoid cataloging character descriptions. It ends up as an info-dump that breaks the flow and annoys the reader.
Take out the "for example:" it's too informal.
The first thing wrong with this is awkward phrasing. Try to say "One night, they had quietly followed her and reported the news to her father." Also, the whole thing about titles is unnecessary. You should nix it. Just tell what the bad thing they found out which is obviously the reason behind her name "Goddess of Rebels".
Nix else after everybody. Or change it to "everyone else".
First off change this to italics, it better differentiates thoughts and feelings. Next I think her jargon is a bit too modern. If you want her to remain to her ancient Greek persona you should try to make her dialog a bit more archaic.
The caps after a phrase are unnecessary. It should be lowercase. Also the description of his location was too wordy. Just say that he was beside Ethan.
I think bat-horses should be hyphenated.
You are constantly changing tenses. I've notice this before, but it seems prevalent here. You change it from past, current, and progressive. You really need to decide on a tense and stick to it. Changing tenses makes the piece seem choppy. I bolded all your verbs that are changing.
Lower case once again.
I found this ironic. Free-spirits are flighty people and it kind of contradicts "he always does as told" and "goody-two-shoes". I think you should scrap these descriptions because of this and because it's telling rather than showing.
It's twins and unfortunate. Also, the last sentence needs to be clarified. It sent Hermes and Ethan into the tree? It says "into the trees" which is quite vague. You should change the wording.
Originally you had been using "dialoge," said (character) now your using "dialog," (character) said. You should use "dialoge," said (character) at all times.
Change "barely" to "nearly".
Nix this. Readers can figure this out themselves.
For an overall review I have to say this is much better than the prior draft, however, it's still rough. You constantly change tenses throughout the entire piece making it choppy. The dialog is also too casual for ancient Greeks and along with their actions -- the way you wrote this piece it had me believing that they were on a family road trip and we're going stop by at a family reunion along the way rather than an important council meeting. Also you're constantly changing between the sibling's POV which can be annoying at times. It has potential, but you just need to work on it some more.
K, I'm just gonna blurt out what needs fixing as I read here:
Cut down on the description of your character. No one wants to read two paragraphs of physical descriptions when it can be cut down to a few concise sentences. Don't be afraid to leave a little bit up to the reader's imagination.
Same concept with the back story, the whole getting their titles bit is stretched a bit far.
The dialogue is so casual, it doesn't hold my attention. I don't think the ancient greeks would be using modern day slang.
Overall, I think you should start from scrap and just overhaul the thing. Keep writing though, and good luck!
~Yoyo
Thanks It has been updated!:D
Hello, I thought sense we were friends I should review your work. I have to agree with the others--- if your going to remain with Greek Mythology try to stay as canon as possible especially in the first few chapters or it will confuse the readers who will be like, "Um, who's Iceburg?" I also agree about the character development and that the piece is too action-y (yes i made up that word).
I liked how you paired Zeus' description with "thundering"being the fact that he's the God of lightning with thundering words. xD But you should re-word this still. When the reader reads "thundering" we understand that the character is mad.
I don't think in BC times they would have colors like navy blue. I think you should just scrap Crissiphone's dress description.
I cannot imagine the God of the Underworld saying uh-oh. It just sounds weird you know? Maybe he should curse like, "By river of styx," Yes, that was a bad/cheesy line but you get my point hopefully. =D
I don't really like Iceburg...no offense! I don't mean to offend it just doesn't sound mythological. I think you should look around on baby sites for ancient Greek names and try to find something more fitting.
Hi there, Shadow Thief!
I might be wrong, but I think "raving mad" should be hyphenated, thus: "raving-mad."You should delete either "just as " or "equally," they mean the same thing, so you are repeating yourself. ^_^ Also, delete the comma after "mad."
There should be a comma after "daughter."
There should be a comma after 'uh oh.'
There should be a comma after "indeed," and also, "everyone" is one word. ^_~
There should be commas before and after "though."
This is a little awkward; I suggest you rephrase it to: "There are more and just as important Elementals, but this black cloud was the messenger cloud, so everyone knew each others thoughts: hopefully the news wasn’t to terrible."
I suggest you either change the "while" to "but" or you delete it. And also, rather than saying "...for it is against the law to stop a punishment..." you should say "...for it WAS against the law to stop a punishment..."
Aww! i like that ending. ^.^ However, the way you say it is a little strange. Try: "But what surprised them all was that Iceburg didn’t hurt Sam, but instead gave him a tight hug." Try not to end with an ellipses (a.k.a. dot dot dot).
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Overall, I agree with Saint: there really isn't much detail or character development in this piece, it's all action. Maybe you should try describing the setting? I didn't realize there were so many people present until they all started talking. I think you should give a whole paragraph (if not more) in the very beginning to a description of the scene. Also, spend a little more time on what the characters look like and how they feel about the situation. In my opinion, you should save the action for the second/third chapter and spend the first one? Or maybe you could keep this as it is, and devote another chapter to description/development?
PM me if I was unclear about anything, or you have questions/comments!
I hope this helps!
~Azila~
Liked it but thought that it was a bit short.
Work on it to make it longer, okay
shanan-cat!
I think that if you're going to write a story about Greek mythology, you should actually stick to the actual gods and goddesses for the most part. I can see where you were going, I guess, but I don't think it works very well in this case.
Also, I agree that you tried to introduce too many characters in the first chapter. I would be totally lost if I didn't know Greek myths.
I'm Confused....
Hades and Zeus had a daughter?? (How is that even possible)
You mean his, right?
Overall, your story has a lot of awkward sounding sentences.
This sentence, for example. It's hard to read, and I don't understand what you were trying to say.
I suggest you try reading the story out loud to yourself, and see how it sounds.
As to the idea of the story, I think it's a good one, but I think you've added in too many extra characters, for so short a chapter. Who is "Iceberg" anyway?
Also, rather than making so many completely new characters a once, why not introduce them spaced apart, so the story is easier to understand, and the reader doesn't have to worry about remembering so many names.
Kay everyone, I have updated! Pleeeeease read and review!
I only have one out of like thirty right now...
Pleeeeeeeeeasssssssssse
Hi there! Haven't seen you around YWS before! My name is Saint and I shall be your critiquer today.
Quick random note: Letters should be in italics to differentiate between the letter and the narration. Same goes for thoughts.
Another random note -- it wasn't BC when it was BC. They didn't know that it was BC. Unless your character is immortal or something.
I kind of scanned most of this, because to be honest, it didn't hold my attention. The biggest flaw right now is that there is no way for me to connect with your characters -- there's also not enough detail. It makes your story hard to pay attention to and hard to stay interested in.
What I suggest doing is slowing down your pace, adding in some drama and detail and descriptive language. Let us get a feel for your character. Let the reader crawl around in her head for a while. What is she thinking? What is she feeling? What exact environment is she in? What motivation does she have? Let us really see your character, not just someone going around and doing stuff. It's not very interesting. Spice it up! Let's see some more of this.
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me! I'm here to help, love.
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate