Chapter One

by ShadowPrincess16

Published March 16, 2012

In Immortalis

Chapter One
Roslynn Blakefield
Sweetwater, Louisiana
July 7, 2012
 
   ‘The dreams are back.’  That was the first thought that flickered through Roslynn Blakefield’s mind when we woke up on the morning that would change her entire existence. The dreams she was referring to had been haunting her sleep since she could remember. Usually they were pleasant dreams but once in a while, they were more like bad memories than real dreams. One of the two dreams she had had the night before had been like that. They had both taken place on the familiar beach, the one she had seen in most of the dreams. In the first one, she had been standing in front of a woman, arguing over something. They had argued for a long time before the woman had stepped forward and placed the tip of a long silver dagger against her heart. Roslynn remembered the searing pain she would felt as the dagger was embedded deep into her heart. A voice had called out to her as the woman disappeared into the night and Roslynn remembered dropping to the sand as warm arms circled her waist. The second dream had been shorter than the first. She remembered begging the man that was holding her not to cry, the way her heart broke when he had started to cry, the way his kiss had tasted on her lips, she remembered it all as if it were a memory instead of a dream.
   Rolling her eyes, Roslynn shook her head and climbed out of bed. The clock on her bedside table told her it was noon and past time to wake up. Grabbing a sundress from the closet, she stumbled into the bathroom to get dressed. Twenty minutes later, she found herself wandering downstairs towards the kitchen where she could hear her parents talking quietly. She smiled a little at first, hearing her parents talk always made her smile, until she heard the sound of her mother sobbing quietly. Frowning, she walked into the kitchen and sat next to her father.
 “Mom? Are you all right?”
   Violet Blakefield looked over at her daughter and took a deep breath, preparing to tell the story that would change the girl’s life. By her side, her husband had gone completely still and silent. This was her story to tell and Violet would tell it the way it had happened. When it was over Roslynn would leave, to fulfill the duty she had been born into. After a few moments of silence, Violet looked straight into her daughter’s eyes and smiled softly.
“I have something to tell you Roslynn. I need you to listen carefully and not say anything until I reach the end of the story. It isn’t a story that’s easily believed but I promise you that every word is true.”
“All right…” Roslynn was confused but she would listen to her mother, Violet knew she would.
“Those stories I used to tell you when you were little, the ones about the Immortal Isles? They are true. The Immortal Isles are a real place. I was born there, as was your father. My mother, Thorne Blakefield, was the direct descendent of a woman named Rayanne Blakefield. Rayanne was the Queen of Immortals once, the Last Great Queen. She ruled in peace for 3,000 years before trouble came. Trouble in the form of her childhood best friend, Arianne Knight, that is. Rayanne and Arianne got into a fight and Rayanne was killed. As she was dying, she promised her soulmate Colt Darkvein that she would return someday. Her daughter grew up and married and had a daughter of her own, Thorne my own mother gave birth to me, and I had you. I have known since the day I got pregnant with you that you would have a destiny to fulfill, which is why I told you those stories. I wanted to prepare you for your future.”
   Roslynn was silent for a long time, staring at her mother. It made sense, she realized suddenly. The dreams she had been having since she was born, they fit into the story her mother had just told. They were not just dreams; they were memories, her memories.
 “It all makes sense now. The dreams, the ones I have told you about before, they aren’t just dreams are they? They’re memories of when I was Rayanne. That’s why you never wanted to talk about them.” She whispered, looking at her mother.
“You’re right. Those memories are your mind’s way of getting you to remember who you are, where you belong. Two months after you were born Colt sent two letters. One of them was addressed to us, the other to you. We promised him that we’d give you your letter on the anniversary of Rayanne’s death.”
   Roslynn watched in silence as her mother stood and walked out of the room. She came back a few minutes later carrying a small envelope. Handing it to her daughter, Violet watched as she stared at the writing on the front, remembering the person that wrote the words. Roslynn closed her eyes, picturing his face in her mind. His face came easily, the short black hair, vivid blue eyes, and reckless grin that she’d fallen in love with in her first life. She took a deep breath before opening her eyes again and opening the envelope. A letter fell out first, followed by a ring. She laid the ring aside for a moment while she read the letter.
Dear Roslynn,
   By the time, you read a letter 360 years will have passed since your death. You were born just two months ago and I knew from the very first second that I laid eyes on you I knew who you were. You stared up at me, your bright green eyes seeming to say a million words in the space of one second. You will not grow up in our world but you will hear stories from our world and hopefully will remember your previous life, the life you lived as Rayanne Blakefield, my beautiful soulmate. You are my soulmate still, even though the body your soul inhabits now is not Rayanne’s body, and I love you the same way I loved you back then. I will always love you, never doubt that Roslynn. You will always be the best part of me.
   As you read this, you may be remembering our life together. If you remember nothing else, remember the night I asked you to marry me. I remember it as though it was only yesterday. We were on the beach, in the very same spot where we first met, and I remember thinking that you looked like a goddess. I will never forget the look on your face when I pulled the ring out of my pocket and asked you to be my wife. Your eyes sparkled with sudden tears and you kissed me, with so much passion that I could not doubt that your answer was a resounding yes. You were – and are – the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
   I love you Roslynn Satirra Blakefield. I loved you then and I love you now the same exact way.
Forever Yours,
Colt Jaxon Darkvein
 
“I remember it…I remember you…”
   Roslynn let the letter slip through her fingers and picked up the ring. It was the same ring Colt had given her the day they’d become man and wife. Tears filled her eyes as she stared at it. The memories came flooding back to her then, tears falling slowly down her cheeks. Suddenly, sitting in the tiny kitchen surrounded on both sides by her parents, something inside of her seemed to click. She wasn’t Roslynn Blakefield anymore. In that, second she became Rayanne Blakefield once more. Roslynn Blakefield was only the name she’d been given, to replace the one destiny had given her. Now that she had accepted her destiny, the name Roslynn had no part in her life.
“I am Rayanne Satirra Blakefield, Queen of Immortals, and Soulmate of Colt Jaxon Darkvein.”
   Her voice was little more than a whisper but she felt as though she were shouting, exclaiming the truth to the world. She looked up, meeting the astonished gaze of her parents, and felt a sudden burst of joy. For several minutes no one spoke. The silence grew until it was a thick wall between the Blakefield parents and the girl that had once been their daughter. They stood staring at each other for a long while before James Blakefield spoke.
 “I knew this would happen someday. You’d read his letter and remember fully who you are. Rayanne Satirra Blakefield, our Queen, would return in the form of our daughter.”
Rayanne was silent, watching the man that had raised her with a careful eye. A part of her – the part that had belonged to Roslynn – mourned the loss of the people that had raised her. It was natural, she assumed, to feel as though a part of her was being lost with this sudden revelation. They had, after all, given her this life. Without their help, she would never have been born again.
 “Rayanne?”
   It was him. It was Colt. After 360 years of waiting, he was here, standing only yards away. She turned towards the living room and saw him standing there, his eyes on her face. He wore a black button-up t-shirt thrown open over a form-fitting black muscle shirt. A pair of black jeans covered his legs. His short black hair was set in neat spikes. But the focal point was his eyes. The sky blue eyes that seemed to look straight into her soul were filled with tears, locked with her own.
“Colt.”
   His name came out in a whisper as she hurled herself against his chest. As his arms tightened around her and they both started to sob, tears of joy rolling down their faces, their world righted itself. They clung to each other, crying and laughing, until they could no longer breathe. Then they simply held each other as though they would never let go.

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
RandomTalks
Review
RandomTalks wrote a review Review · Apr 8, 2022

Hello!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

So this was a solid first chapter, except for the fact that it felt like the entire novel took place in this singular chapter.

First Impressions:

You have an intriguing plot here, characters that have an established personality of their own. The concept of a Queen of another world being reborn as mere human of the mortal world is a bit reused and predictable. We have seen the same story take place in different formats for thousands of times. However, there was a certainty in your narration that made me feel like you know exactly where you are going with this. Besides I liked the fact that you are not following the same tried and tested methods used before, but rather you are framing the story in your own unique way. Of course, its a bit early to give a judgement like that, but even if the plot is a little predictable, I enjoyed reading the chapter.

We have solid characters in the form of Roslynn/Rayanne. What I really liked was that we got to hear a lot from the other characters as well. It is obvious the story is about Roslynn, but each of the other characters played a definite part in this chapter in a way that we learned about them as well. For example, through the letter, we got an idea about Colt and the relationship he shared with Rayanne. From her mother's explanation of what has been going on, we get to know about her and her very much reciprocated love for her daughter as well. Each of these side characters have managed to firmly plant themselves into the story and I liked the fact that by the end of the chapter, we were able to recognize each distinctive voice of the various characters.

Things you can improve:

The pacing. I very much enjoyed reading this story, but the pace was so fast. Like I said, it seemed like an entire noel took place in the very first chapter. So much happened in the span of such a short time that it was difficult and overwhelming to wrap my head around all the developments. You jump from one development into the very next one, and due to the lack of space in between, the readers do not get the time to take anything in. One moment, we see Roslynn listening to the fact that she is a Queen who has been reborn in this world, and the next moment we see her already moving on from this revelation and stepping into her true role as if the change was not monumental at all.

There was no time to process anything, or get actually acquainted with everything that is happening in the story. The entrance of Colt was another point that did not sit well with me. The very second Roslynn realizes who she is, her prince charming steps into the scene and she throws herself around him in the remembrance of their lost love. I am missing the transition here, the emotional turmoil at having your life flipped upside down. Perhaps, the parents felt like the most realistically portrayed aspect of this story. I could understand their feelings and standpoint in a way I could not understand Roslynn's. And since she is the main character, you don't want that to be happening.

What I think you can do is expand on the text a bit, focus not only on the developments but on the feelings and emotions of the characters as well. I am not saying that you have not done that in this chapter, but everything happened so quickly that we had no chance to register these emotions. Maybe break the chapter into two, so that it does not feel as overwhelming to read. Otherwise, this felt very much like a dream that happened so quickly and hurriedly, that you remember nothing as you wake up.

Here is a tiny nitpick for you:

Roslynn remembered the searing pain she would felt as the dagger was embedded deep into her heart.

The tense does not go well in this sentence. The 'would' will be 'had'.

Overall, this was a good story. It just needs to be fitted with some brakes so that we do not plummet through the story and come out of the other side without really realizing what happened during the journey.

Keep writing and have a great day!

User avatar
RacheDrache
Review
RacheDrache wrote a review Review · Mar 18, 2012

Hi ShadowPrincess! Rach here, doing the review thing, obviously.

So.... the main comment I have here is "Wow, that moved fast!" There's a whole heck of a lot going on in this chapter. So much, actually, that you could spread the contents out over several chapters so that things remained balanced. As it is, it feels kind of rushed.

Here's what I mean. She wakes up from some awful recurring dreams, and then goes downstairs to find her parents acting strange. And then she's told that her childhood stories were actually real--that's Word Shaking Event Number 1 of this chapter--and then that not only are they real, she's part of them--Number 2. On top of that, she's not who she thinks she is--Number 3. And on top of THAT, she's married,,,to a really, really hot guy. 4.

4 really huge things to discover before breakfast. And a lot going on for the reader, who has to process all of this too.

Now, what you could do is spread it out. Have a few chapters of normal life and things about the Immortals and everything, and then spring the big revelations on her.

Or, you could have the revelations sprung on her right from the start. Rather than starting with Normal Day, you could begin there with her parents telling her what's real. Or, even better, with her just having been told all this, and her staring at Colt trying to process it all.

But, that's just my opinion. Pacing and Balance are sort of an obsession of mine.

Now, otherwise, I did get a bit confused when the mom was telling her how it is she, as Rayanne, became Roslynn. Chances are I just misread, but it might be something you want to clarify and such in case it was hard to understand and not just me being silly.

Finally, what POV are you using here? At first I thought it was a limited third (Roslynn/Rayanne's POV only), but here and there it lapsed into omniscient. I didn't notice this while I was reading, only while I was skimming back, so there wasn't anything particularly off about what you used, but in case you've never given it much thought, it'd be good to think about and watch out for. Consistency is the key, whichever you choose!

And... that's it! Not too painful at all.

Let me know if you have any questions! Just come bug me on my Wall or send me a PM and I'll be more than happy to help!

Rach



He who knows only his own generation remains forever a child.
— Cicero