Would you believe me?

I really liked this poem and yes!- I would believe it.
My rating: 5*s
My favorite part:

Would you believe me?
If I told you...
There was something more
It's hiding in everything you do

Wherever you go
There is something more
I can make it a number
I can draw it out
I can make it real
As real as anything

But

Would you believe me?
If I told you
There was another color
Hiding in your eyes
Just beyond your imagination
Is a color

You've never seen
And you can't
You, rather us,
We're not built for it

It's just not in us...

But

There is another color
In the deepest worlds
Just beyond the fathoms
Where we'll never see
Even though we're already there

Would you believe it?

I loved it all and I hope to read more!

Keep it up!

w&w

Here are my comments on your poem...
They are in parentheses()'s.
----------------------------------------
Would you believe me?
If I told you(,)
That there was something more(?)
It's hiding in everything you do
(added a comma and a question mark)


Wherever you go(,)
There is something more(.)
I can make it a number(,)
I can draw it out(,)
I can make it real(,)

As real as anything(.)
(I added two .'s and four ,'s)


But.


Would you believe me?
If I told you(,)
There was another color(,)
Hiding in your eyes(.)
Just beyond your imagination(,)
Is a color(.)
(I added three ,'s and two .'s)


You've never seen(,)
And you can't(,)
You, rather us,
We're not built for it(.)

It's just not in us...
(I added two ,'s and one .)


But



There is another color(,)
In the deepest worlds(,)
Just beyond the fathoms(,)
Where we'll never see(.)
Even though we're already there(.)
(I put four ,'s and two .'s, but I'm not exactly sure about them.)



Would you believe it?
---------------------------------------

I think this is a pretty good poem, but you need to work on your punctuation. Over I found it enjoyable to read, even if it was a bit strange at times.
Good work!
~Rain

Hello there, Shadow! I'm Storm!
So. Let me say that I really like your concept. I reminds me of things I've written in the past, so I had a feeling of nostalgia as well as the mysterious -ness of your poem.


First Stanza:

I think the use of ... is a little unnecessary. You also switch verb tenses. The wording could be adjusted, and the punctuation is sparse. Here it is, corrected.

"Would you believe me?

Would you believe me if I told you

There is something more.

It hides in everything you do."



Second Stanza:

in your second line there does not need to be capitalized. The punctuation is nonexistent, and so I've added an option for the punctuation.

"Wherever you go

there is something more.

I can make it a number;

I can draw it out.

I can make it real,

As real as anything."



Third Stanza:

One great tip I've received is to always try to make the last word of a line interesting, and one-word lines generally don't look so great; in my opinion they ruin the spacing of a poem. Also, from here on out let's just assume I'm correcting all the punctuation automatically.

"But would you believe me

if I told you

There was another color

Hiding in your eyes?

Just beyond your imagination

is a color."



Fourth Stanza + Single Line:

The third line and the fourth have a problem with the flow, so I've tried to correct it.

"You've never seen,

and you can't.

You cannot see it, because you

(or rather us)

are not built for it.


It's just not in us..."



Fifth Stanza to End:

I've just adjusted your structure a little here.


"But there is another color,

in the deepest worlds,

Just beyond the fathoms

where we'll never see,

even though we're already there.



Would you believe it?"


Overall I really like your poem, thanks for the read!!

--eyeofthe Storm