Memories
She remembered the cold. The freezing biting cold, the soft snow, the hard ice. It was, by no means comfortable but... It was atleast safe. Her uncle never followed her outside. The snow was pure and white. The cold dulled the pain in her body, it cooled her fevered soul.
She hated her onkle. She hated his fat belly, his leering smile, his fiendish laugh. She wanted to crack open his skull, drag him by his legs, break his teeth. She wanted to do all that and much more.
Even after all this time she still had those dreams. No, memories. They were certainly no dreams.
" Tanya, moya dorogaya ! Come here. "
" Da, onkle.." She said meekly knowing full well what he'd do to her.
" Your brown hair so nice, no? Your eyes just like anika, black.". He crooned. His meaty paws touched her skinny elbows.
" You like this dress, no? I spent long time long time looking..... . Mmm..... Very soft fabric..." his hands lifting her dress higher. her milky pale legs getting exposed.
" D.... Da... Onkle. " She stammered trying to control the sobs threatening to burst forth.
SYSTEM ALERT! CRYOSLEEP TERMINATION IMMINENT FOR CREW MEMBER: JACOB LEVSKY. DESIGNATION BIO ENGINEER AND CREW MEDIC.
The alert appeared in her screen and on the ship information system along with a broad cast from the Ship's speakers.
Tanya welcomed the interruption in her.. Memories. Nightmares. Things that should be forgotten.
It was time to wake the Medic.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!
First Impression: Well..this was a really good start here to a story. Its got a lot of really interesting things scattered about and is definitely painting quite a picture for something that is only in the very start here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well, this is starting off with a bit of a sad image here it looks like...well..more like bittersweet I suppose. There is the pervading sense of something sad having cause this girl to come outside but there's also a feeling of some sort of comfort happening here. Certainly a very interesting bit of description to start things off here.
Well, that is not a good sign, it looks like she's come out here to hide from some potentially rather distressing parts of her life and the way that she's describing her uncle is certainly conveying very clearly that there's not love lost between these two at all.
Oh dear...well the way that is said does not inspire anything good from its tone..it sounds like something horrifying about to take place and ahh...well I must read on...let's see what happens here.
Not good...not good...not good...well this is the worst from all the potential situations that earlier line was hinting at....and oh dear, well her anger earlier is certainly justified and more with how horrible this is.
Oooh..well...it appears we're dealing with some sort of nightmare or flashback here...and this is a bit of sci fi sneaking in here as it appears, well this is very cool as well. In addition to that very powerful backstory there, we've also got a pretty interesting looking setting and that is a great combination.
Oooh, well this really is quite interesting there, certainly a great choice of ending to put down here, it definitely makes you want to come back to read more. And the way you've put it has made it very clear that this is a problem that plagues Tanya quite regularly, which adds even more to see how much her character might have had to suffer through situations like this.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, a pretty solid looking piece that you've got right here. And at any rate, that is about all that I've gotta say here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Happy Review Day!
I think this has the potential to be quite an interesting story, I'm certainly concerned for this character.
However, right now I'm very confused. What is happening? Where are they? What medic? Was she dreaming?... You said it was memories, so I suppose that rules out the dream theory. Than what's going on? The only thing I know for sure if that her uncle (onkle...?) is a creep, or at least, I have some strong evidence to go on.
So please explain more. Tell us where we are- you mentioned a ship at the very end. What kind of ship IS it? A sea vessel? A spaceship? Something else? And how is she outside in the snow if she is on a ship? I suppose if it's nightmares or memories than of course that's possible, but right now we have no sense of reality, and no idea what is going on.
What I think is happening is you started out in this character's current reality, and then went off into her thoughts and did a flashback. But you don't indicate any signs of a flashback so we're left going "uh, what?". If it is in fact a flashback, try to let us know by doing something like having the character recount it in her mind a bit before you go into the flashback, so that we're stringed along a bit. I tend to avoid flashbacks because I don't really like writing them, and I think they're quite confusing. But if you want to write them of course that's your choice. My point about saying I didn't write a lot of flashbacks is because I was going to mention that I probably wouldn't give the best advice on how to write them. I do however know that a good flashback is when your readers know it's actually a flashback... unless you're purposely trying to confuse people.
You start off by using the spelling "uncle" which is correct. But then...
You switch to "onkle", and stick with it, which I'm very confused about, because it's not a word to my knowledge. If you decided to use bits of another language or something in here, it would be best if you found a way to explain it. And I'm assuming "onkle" is referring to the character's uncle because there was no mention of any other characters that I'm aware of, and it came basically right after the uncle was mentioned. And it doesn't appear to be dialect because "onkle" was referred to outside of dialogue.
I actually really liked this line. You have an interesting dialect going here- though not incredible unique (you were going for Italian, weren't you?), I still can understand what it is, and that's awesome.
Anyway, keep it up! I look forward to seeing more from you!
-Socks
Yo, Shadow!
Man, you really succeeded in making that uncle a slimy jerk. Every description you set for him worked perfectly, and at a point I ended up hating him just as much as Tanya. And what sucks the most is that people like that really do exist in this world. However, there are a few errors in this story. The main one would be what Dracula already mentioned with the spaces in the dialogue. The spaces really do hinder the readability of the story and should be removed for a cleaner flow.
Next, I'll point out the first paragraph:
This is a beautiful description and excellent word choices, but the way you executed it is a little off. I'm mostly referring to "her uncle never followed her outside." See, this sticks out like a sore thumb because you were just describing the snow and the cold, then suddenly mention the uncle, then go back to the snow and cold again. To make this flow better, why not shift the uncle part to the beginning or the end? That way the snow descriptions can be together as they should.
I'm not sure what's with the sudden spelling switch. Is this how she calls him? More context with that could make it less abrupt.
So who's Anika? His past wife? Past lover? See, you may know who Anika is, but we don't. It's good to remember that when telling a story. c: Also, careful with your dialogue tags. "He crooned" technically can't stand alone since it isn't a complete sentence, and therefore needs to be tagged to the dialogue to make it complete. You can do this by changing the period to a comma, making it:
"Your hair so nice, no? Your eyes just like Anika: black," he crooned.
If you'd like to know more about dialogue tags, let me know.
I'm only pointing this out because I feel the ellipsis there hinders the effect of this sentence. I think letting memories flow with the rest of the sentence would allow the other two sentences to have a better effect.
If you've got any questions about what I've mentioned above, please let me know (I suck at explaining things sometimes). I hope you have a great day/night, and happy writing!
Oh my, this is a rather dark bit of a story, I like that.
So there are a few things, I noticed: It seems to be a story taking place in Russia, or a at least has Russian characters. It was rather interesting to see that, as it;s rather new to me. Another thing is how subtlety and quickly you implied Tanya's apparent history of abuse, not stating whether or not it sill happens. It was a rather shady, yet wonderful way to do things, if that makes any sense; Good job there.
There's isn't much for me to say as this is rather short, not that that's a bad thing. I hope to see more of it in the future. it seems like something I'd enjoy.
~The dark one.
Hello, Shadow! Thanks for posting your writing!
I'll address this right away, because it's the first thing I notice: the spaces after the speech marks. Maybe this is a problem with the website, but I thought I'd let you know so you can have a fixing it. It's not a grammar problem or anything, the formatting just makes it less enjoyable to read. " D.... Da... Onkle. " Here's what I mean. See the spaces between the speech marks and the actual speech? Those spaces shouldn't be there. Also, it's a good idea to be consistent and only have three periods grouped together at a time. It just looks neater and makes the writing easier to read.
She wanted to crack open his skull, drag him by his legs, break his teeth. Formatting aside, your descriptions are pretty good. I am one hundred percent sure that your main character despises her uncle, and these bits of text confirm that. The way you described the scenery was great too; not too long, and not too short.
I'd like the point out the uncle's speech. I can distinguish his voice from Tanya's, because of little things like how he says 'no' at the end of questions. This is great, and shows that you know your characters on a personal level. So nice job, and please keep sharing your writing with us!