Hey, there. I really like this chapter so far. It seems like you've launched a great project.
One of the best things about this chapter is how you introduce us to your main character and her surroundings, yet you don't give too much detail, leaving our minds to wonder and to keep reading in order to gather the other details which will put the story together. In other words, you've captured the reader's interest by not showing too much at once. You avoided the pitfall of plunging right into a bunch of backstory and facts that are irrelevant at the moment. Good work.
That being said, I would suggest thinking about how you could incorporate just a few more details. So far it seems that we do not even know your main character's name. While it's perfectly fine not to reveal their name right away, one must be careful not to go too long without giving it. Another thing I think you definitely could have afforded to include is her age. Because she mentions the child in the cart with her, I'm assuming she considers herself above childhood, but what age range exactly is she? Even just hinting that she's a teen, a pre-teen, an older teen - whatever it may be - would be helpful.
I noticed several comma splices and run-on sentences that should be connected or separated with other punctuation. An example is in this sentence:
“No one’s going to be in front of you with a knife, if they wanted to kill you they would have done that already."
You have two separate sentence elements that are divided by a comma. Technically, this isn't really correct. I'll give a couple examples of how to correctly format it.
First of all, you could do this:
"No one's going to be in front of you with a knife. If they wanted to kill you, they would have done that already."
Or this:
"No one's going to be in front of you with a knife; if they wanted to kill you, they would have done that already."
So that's just a piece of advice, especially seeing as I noticed several instances where you should edit your punctuation and sentence format. Maybe I'm not the best at explaining it, so you could look up information on comma splices and run-on sentences for a better explanation.
Overall, this chapter is pretty great! You did a wonderful job describing the setting and tying emotions to it. Your sensory details are also awesome. The description of the sight and smell of blood, and the way you termed it "the stench of terror" are really, really good. I look forward to reading the next part.
Points: 13629
Reviews: 215
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