Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night,(whatever it is when you see this),
And its time for the second part. One more review to go after this. And that's the chapter that actually got me interested in the whole thing.
First Impression: You like hurting your characters but besides that it written really well and you did just the right amount of subtle hinting. And let's get to it.
I changed Alyss's age from 12 to 14, so that's why she might sound different.
I think that's a good decision
She was all alone. The pain slowly faded, until a dull ache remained(shouldn't that happen across a couple of chapters? Seems a bit quick), reminding her of all she’d lost. She had to be strong though. She had to forget.
Alyss slowly got to her feet, her mind whirling with the fact that she was actually leaving her village for the first time. The baker trudged in front of her, muttering under his breath about the stupidity and self-centeredness of young girls.
Seems kinda harsh but I guess that's just how you're world is set up.
The first time the warrior had reined his horse to a stop to let him(Shouldn't that be it. Or are we not referring to the horse?) rest, Alyss had tried to dismount and had fallen flat on her face. As she picked herself off of the ground, the Einherjar almost doubled over laughing. Alyss stared at him in disgust.
"Any injuries we should no of? I don't think you get away unscathed from falling flat on your face.
“So why didn’t you kill me when I was eavesdropping on your conversation with the baker?” Alyss asked. “Why did the baker say that I would be killed if I was a normal girl? Why did you take me away from my home!” Releasing a choked sob, the girl turned away.
“Do you have a death wish? You don’t ask an Einherjar why they didn’t kill you.” he said with a tone of irritation in his voice. “That’s just tempting fate.”
Nice hints as to what could be coming.
Her mother had wanted so much(I think the so much should be chopped) for Alyss to live a good life, unlike her own. She would never tell Alyss about her past, although she had been warned countless times never to make the same mistakes that her mother had. Alyss had always been confused about how she was supposed to avoid making those mistakes if her mother would never tell her about them, but she tried to please her. (Good question. Didn't her mother at least hint at the mistakes are we going to know more later?)
The warrior spun around. “By the gods, can’t you be quiet for a minute? It is none of your business where we are going, or when we’ll get there, or anything at all! I liked you better when you were paralyzed by fear.”
Okay, lots of cloak and dagger here. I can't quite judge this without knowing the story but it seems like everyone is purposely hiding a lot from this girl.
As the sun sank into the horizon, the warrior slowed his horse to a trot and then a walk, his eyes searching the gloom in front of them.
"The turn." he muttered. "Where is the damned turn."(That's a question mark I believe)
"Why are we-" she began, only to be stopped by the warrior shushing her. As they emerged from the woods Alyss let out an almost inaudible sigh of relief. She could see a large ornate house on top of a hill. They actually were going somewhere. He hadn't planned to take her off into the woods alone and kill her, or worse.
Some really well conveyed fear there.
As they rode towards the house, Alyss shivered. The night air was cooling fast, and her dress was thin and provided no comfort against the biting wind. She hoped that they would be done their journey soon. She was so sore, and hungry, and tired. She just wanted a soft comfortable mattress to lie down upon and to sleep. She felt like she could sleep for a hundred years and still wake up and be tired. Even the cool wind blowing in her face didn’t shake the sleepiness from her mind. She felt her eyelids slowly closing, and she forced herself to keep them open. Despite her efforts, she felt herself drifting away on waves of calm, soothing sleep.
And I'm really starting to like these endings. Always leading us readers on.
And that's it for that.
So overall a great chapter. Going to move on and finish off with the last review.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 253363
Reviews: 4096
Donate