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Young Writers Society



A Valkyrie's Dream: Chapter 1.2

by Shadeflame


A/n

I changed Alyss's age from 12 to 14, so that's why she might sound different. I also plan to revise the earlier chapter.

_______________________________________________________________________

Alyss buried her head in her hands and sobbed. She didn’t care that her mother had always said not to show weakness. She was gone and all Alyss wanted was to hear her soft voice again, feel her loving hand caress her forehead and smooth back the damp hair. She tried to swallow, but the great lump in her throat stopped her. She was gone, and Alyss had to forget the only person who had ever loved her. Great racking sobs escaped Alyss’s mouth, and she slumped over onto the stone floor. She couldn’t think of anything except the new pain that had seemed to come from nowhere. The reality had set in. She was all alone. The pain slowly faded, until a dull ache remained, reminding her of all she’d lost. She had to be strong though. She had to forget.

Looking back, Alyss couldn’t have said how much time she spent in that house, sobbing her heart out. It could have been minutes, or it could have been hours. She must have fallen asleep during that time because she awoke to find the baker roughly shaking her. “Girl! Girl, get up. Everything has been arranged. The warrior is ready to leave, and to take you with him.”

“What!” Alyss jolted awake. “Why would I go with one of the Einherjar? I thought I was going to the poorhouse!”

“Don’t be stupid girl. Of course you’re not going to the poorhouse. Hurry up, he’s already waiting outside.”

Alyss slowly got to her feet, her mind whirling with the fact that she was actually leaving her village for the first time. The baker trudged in front of her, muttering under his breath about the stupidity and self-centeredness of young girls.

The Einherjar was standing in front of a beautiful black horse. It was covered by rich gold trappings and it shook its head impatiently, ready to get going. The warrior swung himself easily into the saddle and motioned to the baker.

“Come on man. Hand her up. We must be off at once.”

As the baker started to lift her up onto the horse, she tried to twist out of his arms, but the Einherjar caught her up and placed her in front of him.

“Don’t touch me!” she said, her voice filled with fury. She was fourteen summers, very much a woman now. How dare they lift her onto a horse as if she was a little girl.

“Be quiet, and hold on tight. I don’t much think you’d enjoy failing off of Eerro very much.”

Alyss let out a frightened squeak as the warrior urged his horse into a trot, and then a gallop once they had left the village behind them. She leaned forwards and clung to the horse’s neck as hard as she could. The ground flashed by dizzily, and she closed her eyes from fear. She was so high up, and they were moving so fast. She had acted brave before, but she had only ridden a horse once or twice, and never at a gallop.

The first time the warrior had reined his horse to a stop to let him rest, Alyss had tried to dismount and had fallen flat on her face. As she picked herself off of the ground, the Einherjar almost doubled over laughing. Alyss stared at him in disgust.

“Really?” she asked with contempt. “I thought you were supposed to be ‘stoic defenders of the Realm’ and all that. Isn’t it a bit beneath you to laugh at me.”

The man stopped laughing and stared at Alyss. As she resolutely held his gaze, she noted that he seemed to be a bit younger than what she had originally thought him to be. His tall gold helmet had obscured his face, but now that he had taken it off, it revealed his young features.

“And I thought peasant girls would have a bit more respect for me than that. Didn’t your mother teach you not to ever look a warrior in his eyes? You’re lucky that I didn’t kill you.”

In fact, Alyss’s mother had a strong dislike of the Einherjar and preferred not to talk about them.

“So why didn’t you kill me when I was eavesdropping on your conversation with the baker?” Alyss asked. “Why did the baker say that I would be killed if I was a normal girl? Why did you take me away from my home!” Releasing a choked sob, the girl turned away.

“Do you have a death wish? You don’t ask an Einherjar why they didn’t kill you.” he said with a tone of irritation in his voice. “That’s just tempting fate.”

Alyss wasn’t sure. Everything seemed so muddled right now, and she just missed having someone to count on, to trust. Would she want to die, just to be near her mother again? She shook her head. If she died like that, her mother would never forgive her. Her mother had wanted so much for Alyss to live a good life, unlike her own. She would never tell Alyss about her past, although she had been warned countless times never to make the same mistakes that her mother had. Alyss had always been confused about how she was supposed to avoid making those mistakes if her mother would never tell her about them, but she tried to please her.

The warrior looked pleased that she had fallen silent and turned back to his task of rubbing down Eerro. As Alyss sat down on the grass, she dared to venture a final question.

“Where are we going?”

The warrior spun around. “By the gods, can’t you be quiet for a minute? It is none of your business where we are going, or when we’ll get there, or anything at all! I liked you better when you were paralyzed by fear.”

Alyss scowled but remained silent until the young man announced that they were leaving.

“Here, I’ll help you up.” he offered. Alyss considered refusing his help and trying to mount the horse by herself, but Eerro was so high! She swallowed her pride and nodded, sullenly walking towards the horse and the warrior stand beside it.

"Just stand here, and give me your leg" he pushed her up into the saddle. Alyss lost her balance as she landed on the horse's back, almost falling off the other side. She caught herself on Eerro's mane, however, and pulled herself upright. The warrior opened his mouth to say something, but a fierce glare from Alyss caused him to close it again.

"You did that on purpose." she accused.

The Einherjar just ignored her and swung himself up behind her, urging his horse into a canter.

As the sun sank into the horizon, the warrior slowed his horse to a trot and then a walk, his eyes searching the gloom in front of them.

"The turn." he muttered. "Where is the damned turn."

They continued on at a walk for a few minutes, until the warrior turned his horse down a small path that was almost obscured by the dangling branches and vines.

"Lie down." he told her, pushing her face into Eerro's mane. "You don't want to be hit by one of these branches."

As they continued through the undergrowth, the path slowly widened until Alyss could sit up straight again. The sounds of the night gradually grew louder as the darkness increased. Alyss felt a shiver run down her spine as an owl hooted. Why had the warrior taken her here? She would be powerless if he tried...if he tried to-. The dreadful thought made her shiver again, even harder this time.

"Why are we-" she began, only to be stopped by the warrior shushing her. As they emerged from the woods Alyss let out an almost inaudible sigh of relief. She could see a large ornate house on top of a hill. They actually were going somewhere. He hadn't planned to take her off into the woods alone and kill her, or worse.

As they rode towards the house, Alyss shivered. The night air was cooling fast, and her dress was thin and provided no comfort against the biting wind. She hoped that they would be done their journey soon. She was so sore, and hungry, and tired. She just wanted a soft comfortable mattress to lie down upon and to sleep. She felt like she could sleep for a hundred years and still wake up and be tired. Even the cool wind blowing in her face didn’t shake the sleepiness from her mind. She felt her eyelids slowly closing, and she forced herself to keep them open. Despite her efforts, she felt herself drifting away on waves of calm, soothing sleep. 


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Fri Jun 12, 2020 10:57 am
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night,(whatever it is when you see this),

And its time for the second part. One more review to go after this. And that's the chapter that actually got me interested in the whole thing.

First Impression: You like hurting your characters but besides that it written really well and you did just the right amount of subtle hinting. And let's get to it.

I changed Alyss's age from 12 to 14, so that's why she might sound different.

I think that's a good decision

She was all alone. The pain slowly faded, until a dull ache remained(shouldn't that happen across a couple of chapters? Seems a bit quick), reminding her of all she’d lost. She had to be strong though. She had to forget.

Alyss slowly got to her feet, her mind whirling with the fact that she was actually leaving her village for the first time. The baker trudged in front of her, muttering under his breath about the stupidity and self-centeredness of young girls.

Seems kinda harsh but I guess that's just how you're world is set up.

The first time the warrior had reined his horse to a stop to let him(Shouldn't that be it. Or are we not referring to the horse?) rest, Alyss had tried to dismount and had fallen flat on her face. As she picked herself off of the ground, the Einherjar almost doubled over laughing. Alyss stared at him in disgust.

"Any injuries we should no of? I don't think you get away unscathed from falling flat on your face.

“So why didn’t you kill me when I was eavesdropping on your conversation with the baker?” Alyss asked. “Why did the baker say that I would be killed if I was a normal girl? Why did you take me away from my home!” Releasing a choked sob, the girl turned away.

“Do you have a death wish? You don’t ask an Einherjar why they didn’t kill you.” he said with a tone of irritation in his voice. “That’s just tempting fate.”

Nice hints as to what could be coming.

Her mother had wanted so much(I think the so much should be chopped) for Alyss to live a good life, unlike her own. She would never tell Alyss about her past, although she had been warned countless times never to make the same mistakes that her mother had. Alyss had always been confused about how she was supposed to avoid making those mistakes if her mother would never tell her about them, but she tried to please her. (Good question. Didn't her mother at least hint at the mistakes are we going to know more later?)

The warrior spun around. “By the gods, can’t you be quiet for a minute? It is none of your business where we are going, or when we’ll get there, or anything at all! I liked you better when you were paralyzed by fear.”

Okay, lots of cloak and dagger here. I can't quite judge this without knowing the story but it seems like everyone is purposely hiding a lot from this girl.


As the sun sank into the horizon, the warrior slowed his horse to a trot and then a walk, his eyes searching the gloom in front of them.

"The turn." he muttered. "Where is the damned turn."(That's a question mark I believe)

"Why are we-" she began, only to be stopped by the warrior shushing her. As they emerged from the woods Alyss let out an almost inaudible sigh of relief. She could see a large ornate house on top of a hill. They actually were going somewhere. He hadn't planned to take her off into the woods alone and kill her, or worse.

Some really well conveyed fear there.

As they rode towards the house, Alyss shivered. The night air was cooling fast, and her dress was thin and provided no comfort against the biting wind. She hoped that they would be done their journey soon. She was so sore, and hungry, and tired. She just wanted a soft comfortable mattress to lie down upon and to sleep. She felt like she could sleep for a hundred years and still wake up and be tired. Even the cool wind blowing in her face didn’t shake the sleepiness from her mind. She felt her eyelids slowly closing, and she forced herself to keep them open. Despite her efforts, she felt herself drifting away on waves of calm, soothing sleep.

And I'm really starting to like these endings. Always leading us readers on.

And that's it for that.

So overall a great chapter. Going to move on and finish off with the last review.

Stay Safe :)
Harry




Shadeflame says...


Thank you for reviewing my chapter!



KateHardy says...


Your Welcome



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Sun Jun 07, 2020 4:00 am
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LittleLee wrote a review...



Here comes another member of Team Tortoise for a review!
I am enjoying this story. I haven't followed many novels on YWS, but this one drew my attention and I'm glad I picked it up. The plot is good the pace isn't too rushed, although the beginning didn't really go well considering how the story had ended in the last part. She was upset, but I thought she'd put it behind her and tried to move on.

Otherwise, the recurring mistake throughout the story is the incorrect punctuation after someone says something. Here are some examples, where the fullstop should be replaced with a comma or the word after it should begin with a capital letter.

"Lie down." he


“Here, I’ll help you up.” he offered.


“Really?” she asked


“Don’t touch me!” she said


This has to be looked at! I noticed it in the last chapter too, so I hope you keep this in mind when writing more. Capitalize or use commas!
I think at some points, Alyss's emotions keep clashing. And as of now, we've only seen two properly; anger and sadness. It has been suitable until this point, but I'd love to see more of her personality!

"Lie down." he told her, pushing her face into Eerro's mane. "You don't want to be hit by one of these branches."


I think you should have added a small part where he ducks down too, because he's obviously taller than her. Even with a helmet, no warrior would let himself or herself get whacked on the head repeatedly. XD

The ending was both good and a little uncomfortable for me, because I was wondering how she gets so sleepy all of a sudden. She's tired and all, but she's with a stranger who's already hinted he's dangerous and they're travelling through places she knows nothing about. So I think she should have stayed wide awake. Also, the wind was mentioned to be "biting", which is a lot colder than "cool", so she shouldn't have been able to sleep easily.

Overall, I loved this. Great work, keep it up! I know I was nitpicking a little, but I don't mean to offend you!
Keep writing!

- Lee




Shadeflame says...


Thanks for reviewing my work Lee. Don't worry, you didn't offend me. :D



Zoom says...


Hey, sorry to contradict, but in dialog you dont capitalise after a question mark or exclamation unless you are following with a noun or starting a new sentence. So the first and second examples you gave need fixing as you said, but not the third and fourth



Shadeflame says...


Yeah. I just looked the rules for punctuating dialogue up and Zoom is right.



LittleLee says...


Ahhhh I'm so sorry! I wasn't sure about that. Thank you for pointing it out; and Shade, I'm sorry again for saying something wrong!



Shadeflame says...


No it's fine. =D



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Sat Jun 06, 2020 11:35 pm
EternalRain wrote a review...



Hi again Shadeflame! I'm back for Team Tortoise.

I read the first part of this chapter so I'm in the loop! I'm really loving this story so far. The influence of Norse mythology (or, Norse mythology setting?) is really neat. I'm not too familiar with Norse myths, but I like the idea of following a (seemingly) ordinary girl in a world that is usually focused on crazy-good warriors and gods. Although I have a sneaky suspicion Alyss is a soon-to-be valkyrie!

I found this part a bit easier to read than the first. I liked how this second part was a bit slower, and focused on the characterization of both Alyss and the warrior. The first half of the chapter didn't feel rushed, exactly, but there were moments where I was a bit confused, mostly because I think it was juggling between a lot of things (her mother's death, Alyss's feeling, baker, warrior). Anyway, enough about that.

The warrior spun around.

I'm a bit confused. Is he in front, or is Alyss? Throughout the chapter I thought Alyss was in front of him on the horse, so it seems weird that he would spin around if he was behind her.

The night air was cooling fast, and her dress was thin and provided no comfort against the biting wind.


This bit made me think - did Alyss not get to bring any of her belongings with her? I'm predicting she'll be living in that ornate house and probably will get new belongings, but it seems odd, especially if her house/belongings are the only things that attach her to home/her mother. Then again, who knows what a good idea it is to ask these intense warriors if she could bring anything :p

Overall, I really enjoyed this chapter. I'm REALLY curious about what's with the house and why they took Alyss? Does she have secret powers/secret awesome warrior skills? I'm also wondering how her recent mother's death will affect Alyss throughout the story - I think it has the potential to be a force for Alyss to do good (or evil!).

Looking forward to more! I'd love it if you tagged me/let me know when you post the next chapter!

Peace,
~ EternalRain





cron
There are those who say that life is like a book, with chapters for each event in your life and a limited number of pages on which you can spend your time. But I prefer to think that a book is like a life, particularly a good one, which is well to worth staying up all night to finish.
— Lemony Snicket