Palm Tree

Hi,

It's been a while since I've critiqued, so I'm sorry if this is a little bit rusty! This short story was adorable. Despite the fairly basic plot, it put a smile on my face, and I can definitely see it accompanying bright pictures and being read to small children. However, if you wanted, I still think that there is so much more that you can do with it! Your first two sentences are weak and should probably be revised. It doesn't draw us in-- it almost has the reverse effect since you're eliminating a huge chunk of potential readers right from the start. Even if this is about a palm tree, which some people might not like, use detail and character growth to make this appeal to them. Besides, when you start this way, you're acknowledging that this a story, and thus, breaking the fourth wall-- while there isn't anything necessarily wrong with this, I don't like using it unless there is a specific reason, since it makes it harder to absorb yourself into the story.

Another thing that needs work is the grammar. It's nowhere near as bad as what I have seen in some cases, but if that was all you were to fix, it would need a lot of brushing up before you could really consider this a final draft. Take a look at your dialogue. There is no space from the quote to the first word, and you should start a new paragraph whenever you have a new speaker. Besides this, the fact that you're using quotes for what the tree wants to say gets to be a bit confusing, because we have to remind ourselves that the tree isn't actually saying anything until later. Using italics might be better, since they are technically his thoughts, then you could either use quotes or describe what actually comes out.

Then, I think that whether you make more edits or not is completely up to you and who you decide you want to market this short story to. As a cute story for little children that brings forth smiles, it's good. However, if you wanted to, you could add a lot of depth and explore the tree's transition. How much does he want to speak before the bird arrives? What exactly does the bird bring forth in him? How exactly does he learn to speak, and what happens as a result? Does he encounter conflict from other trees or animals who don't think that he should be able to talk? Just some things to think about.

Good luck with your revisions; I really did like this story. Keep writing, and feel free to drop me a note if you have any questions or concerns.

~ Elinor

This story is about a palm tree. If you don't like that you can stop reading.
(I put a break here because that's where the story starts.
We begin our story on an unexplored island. On that island there stood a tree. Of all the trees on the island this one was the strangest. It was a young tree; only about twenty years old. It stood aloof, on top of a hill, overlooking the ocean. It had no enmity with the other trees, nor did he long for their company. He made no move to acquaint himself with the plants and animals that lived around him.
He just stood solitary, watching the day go by. In all these ways he was a recluse. One day a treacherous wind blew in from the north. The forest was a wreck, but the one palm tree still stood for his roots grew deep into the hill.
When the storm ended a small and exhausted bird landed on his biggest branch. Luckily for them, or the bird at least, they could understand each other. The bird spoke with more gusto than any other creature that the tree had met. The bird said, “ Hiya! How is it going? I was flying and Whoop! The wind blew me here. I hope you don't mind me staying for a few days.” As the bird talked, he twirled and flipped in the air. The tree smiled on the inside, but his rough exterior remained unchanged. He remained silent though. The bird took this silence as a yes and returned to the branch. Their (there), he slept until morning.
At dawn the bird woke did some fancy twirls and flew away. When he was gone the tree thought to himself, “ Well, his an amiable little fellow. I'll try talking with him when he returns.” At sunset the bird swooped on to a branch. They watched the sunset together. The bird spoke as it grew dark. “This place is beautiful. It's a shame you can't see it all.” The tree tried to respond with, “ I know. It's quite a shame.” But all that came out of his mouth was a low rumbling sound. The bird asked, “ What is wrong?” Try as he might the tree couldn't respond. “Well” ,said the bird, “ I'll try to help you to my fullest extent. I'll start tomorrow because today, I'm pooped.”
“Well(You used 'well' in the other paragraph. Another word would be more suitable.),” began the bird, “In most ways you are ideal. The only problem with your mouth is the fact that it is covered in moss. I'll be back with some friends later to help you out.”
The tree waited. And waited. About noon, the tree felt as if his trust was betrayed. Suddenly the bird appeared and landed on his shoulder. The tree was astounded. The bird had brought small mammals, lizards, birds and insects. The bird signaled them to begin their work. The birds, mammals and lizards took moss for their nests. The insects had lunch. Finally, at sunset their work was done. The tree could speak!
The animals left, leaving the tree and the first bird. The tree thanked the bird. Until dawn, the two spoke, shared jokes and stories. At noon they had said all they needed to say except for goodby. The bird said sadly, “ I must leave now.” But the tree spoke up. He said, “Why don't you stay? You and I could grow old. My grand children and yours could share their lives with each other!” Without hesitation, the bird said, “Yes! Yes!” For years the bird and the tree lived together. They both had children. And even today you can find the trees children and the birds children living on that hill, that is overlooking the ocean.

The End

It was a good story, but one thing. How do trees have children? Seeds? Or...
Ahem.
It was a brilliant idea

Kirah