Moving On

Hi there Serenya!

I think the power outage thing is such a cool topic for a story! I was really excited to find out more. I've never read anything like that, so well done on writing about something that's actually interesting.

It's true that it's quite a short chapter, but I don't mind at least on YWS - I have little patience to read something long on a computer screen, so it's always nicer on my eyes if the stories aren't very long here Of course, we don't get to dive very deep into the story if the first part is so short, and that might be problematic when it comes to getting to know the characters.

I actually just realised now that the power outage had ended already when all this happens? I was really confused at first about "when the lights came back on". Yeah, I didn't get that until now! I understand that your theme is "getting over the big change" but I personally think it would be more interesting to read about the time during the outage. At least at first! Because I think you could do so much with that, and now you kind of waste a good story! Of course the one you're about to tell us could be good too, but if you have the chance to write about something else too, why not take it?

Good luck, and I'm interested in seeing where you will go with this!


Demeter
x

I agree with Elinor. For the first chapter in a novel, this is surprisingly short. We are not given a good handle on the characters and I did not even feel that connected with the main character because of the remarkably fast pace of everything. Slow down and let us fall in love with your characters.

I find it entirely strange that you could reveal so much important information in your very first chapter. You tell us that the power comes back on, you tell us that your main character survives, and you tell us that her parents die. Why would anyone keep reading if they know all of this information? There is no suspense and mystery if you simply tell us everything that will happen in your book in the first chapter. However, I have read books where the writer has managed to pull this off. It is extremely difficult, though.

This chapter was very bland. Nothing happened besides water being delivered and somebody going to school. Spice it up. Give the readers something to read.

Overall, this is turning into a very interesting story. I want to see what caused this power outage. I am officially invested in your novel. Keep me posted. Happy Writing!

Hey,

For what this is, it's a good start. The premise is intriguing and I'm curious to see where you take these characters. The piece itself, however, feels a little bare. For the first chapter of a novel, it's kind of short, and you don't really give yourself an opportunity to dive into these characters or the situation that they're in.

I don't know familiar you are with the "show, don't tell" rule, but in this case it applies. Instead of your narrator just telling us something that happened and moving on to the next thing without any room to consider how it affects the characters, I would slow down and try to give your reader a sense of atmosphere.

This is all serious stuff you're dealing with! How did everyone handle the power outage when it first happened? How widespread was it? How did everyone's attitude changed when days passed, and weeks, and the power still didn't come back on?

I would consider these questions as a starting point. Another big part of telling a good story is description and atmosphere - what does the setting look, feel, smell like? As a writer, one of your jobs is to paint a vivid image in the reader's mine of what is happening in the story.

Those are just some thoughts that I had! Hope this helps you. Feel free to shoot me a PM if you have any questions.

Hey Serenya! This story seems interesting so far, hopefully my comments can help

The beginning really caught my attention. After you had mentioned a major power outage I was spurred to read on to figure out what on earth happened! Really, a setting like this has so many opportunities.

The main critique I have for this chapter is that I would brush up on your grammar and punctuation and everything.

"I remember the first week, (a semicolon would work best I think instead of a comma) people looted stores, killed each other,many people killed themselves and their family. Winter was cold and dark at night, and summer days were hot. Lucky for my family (comma) we kept lots of food and supplies stored. It was me, my sister, my brother, my mom, and dad. "
Sadly, not everyone came through, (semicolon to separate two complete thoughts) our parent passed away (which parent? or did you mean parents) two weeks before the lights were back on. My siblings and I are (keep it past tense-- are should be were) slowly getting accustom to that big change. We are (were) fortunate that our home was not completely destroyed. It was broken into but it is still in a whole peice.
The first week (comma) all of us stayed in one room while we slept. My sister and I took shifts, keeping watch. We had some food left from before and now we could heat it up. However we did not use or touch anything that used electricity for weeks. (I'm curious what kind of food you were able to eat and how you heated it up. It would be great detail to the story!

So everything seems to be in place, but I'd recommend proofreading a bit or brushing up on some writing rules. Let me know if any of this was confusing! Keep writing!