The Quest for Valeria

by Seraphinaxx

Published January 7, 2014

In Older works

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Chapter 1:

Royalists and rebels

The man's body jerked again. Another uncontrollable spasm lurched through him as his face turned blue. Zephyr looked away.

He hated these public executions, but the guild made him attend. His job was to look for those who were royalists and those who would aid the guild.

He was just grateful to have an excuse to look at the crowd and not the execution. Most people seemed ordinary enough. Merchants, Scribes, the occasional messenger... but one in particular stood out.

Their tall, dark brown, walking boots were typical clothing for a middle-class person, as was their long cloak, of the same colour. What was different about them was the fact that they wore the hood of their cloak pulled up over their head, hiding their identity, even their gender.

Only a rebel or royalist spy would dress like that in the city. Zephyr looked around himself and saw that Bethani, the only other assassin assigned here, was further to his left. Steven would be pleased if he brought back a royalist spy on their first mission. The man being executed was his brother, so he was looking for a chance for revenge. Zephyr slowly left the crowd behind and waited.

(Paragraph break)

Aria's hand went instinctively to her knife. She had to force herself to take her hand away, rather than pull it out and throw it at the rope holding the man. As she did so she felt something fall against her face and brushed it back, absentmindedly, with the back of her hand. Her auburn hair must have come loose from the leather strap she had tied it back with that morning. She tucked it further back into her hood.

The hanging was over and the crowd slowly began to disband. She heard the low buzz of conversation around her, but blocked it out. As she walked past an abandoned house someone grabbed her from behind. As they bound her wrists together they kept one hand firmly over her mouth. She struggled to escape, but it was a futile attempt.

She was dragged through a maze of underground tunnels until they reached a sturdy wooden door. Her captor knocked on it in a distinctive pattern; loud then soft, fast then slow. A voice rang out from behind the door, "Who is it?"

"Zephyr Nightseer and a captive royalist."

Aria heard the sound of bolts being drawn back and a key turning in a lock. Her captor, Zephyr, shoved her into the room. Unable to use her hands to steady herself, she fell and lay, sprawled across the floor. Hands grabbed her, roughly yanking her to her feet. She pulled herself away, dimly aware of her hood falling of her head and her long hair spilling out. She kept her back against the wall and looked around herself quickly.

There were four men in the room. Two were standing by the door she had entered through. One was them was in his early twenties with tousled blond hair and chocolate brown eyes. The other looked to be in his mid-thirties with black hair and cobalt eyes.

The other two were standing by the small table in the centre of the room. They both looked as if they were in their late forties or early fifties. The first man's brown hair had flecks of grey in it and his piercing grey eyes seemed to look into her mind. The second had mud brown eyes and black hair, that had somehow managed to retain its colour. Aria guessed that he dyed it.

The one similarity between them was the expression of shock that they all wore on their faces. The older men recovered first. The one with the greying hair looked sympathetic, but at the same time a hard line entered his eyes. The other made no attempt to hide his hatred and disgust. The young man in his twenties was the first to speak. She could tell from his voice that he was the one named Zephyr.

"It's a girl," he said, shocked.

The man who had been glaring at her replied, "Child or not she's a royalist. People like her killed first Rowan and now Bethani. I say we kill her as an example"

"Bethani's dead?" interjected Zephyr

"Yes. Which is why we should execute her. If we kill a child in cold blood it will show the rest of those royalist scum we mean business." He spat out the last few words.

Then, in one fluid motion, he stepped forward and hit her across the face. The other older man stepped forward. "Calm down Michal," he said.

"Steven.." began Michal, but he was cut off.

"Michal." A warning tone had entered his voice.

Michal stepped away, but continued to glare at her. Aria saw the room begin to spin. A mixture of pain, exertion, and fear was making her light-headed. As she began to fall she was conscious of the wall opening behind her. Then she blacked out.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
GreenTulip
Review
GreenTulip wrote a review Review · Jan 26, 2014

Wow. This is .......I really do't know how to explain it. But it is well written, but in some places it goes way to fast. Just try to slow down between ideas. Focus on one for a while before you *SLOWLY* move into a new idea.

However, I found the shift in perspective a bit off-putting. It starts off with Zephyr's perspective, then switches rather abruptly to Aria's. Although the whole thing is in third-person, the shift in POV is muddling. I do think having both of them is a good idea, but perhaps an asterisk or something to divide the two parts would be useful, especially if this is something you continue in later chapters.
~Agreeing with the person below me.

This is all I have for you right now.

User avatar
niteowl
Review
niteowl wrote a review Review · Jan 26, 2014

Hi there Seraphina! Niteowl here to review for the Cobalt Critiquers this fine Review Day!

So overall, this is an interesting beginning. It throws us into the action without being too confusing to follow.

However, I found the shift in perspective a bit off-putting. It starts off with Zephyr's perspective, then switches rather abruptly to Aria's. Although the whole thing is in third-person, the shift in POV is muddling. I do think having both of them is a good idea, but perhaps an asterisk or something to divide the two parts would be useful, especially if this is something you continue in later chapters.

"Bethani's dead!" interjected Zephyr


Wait...what? I've reread this several times and the only mention I see of Bethani is when she's alive and well as Zephyr is checking her location. Also, this would be news to these guys, right? It seems like a question mark would be more appropriate.

Something I noticed about the description: It feels weirdly focused on physical details. I feel like if I was captured, I probably wouldn't notice flecks of grey or "cobalt eyes" (as much as I like the shout-out to the winning team ;) ). I might notice general things like hair color or noticable features like a giant nose or a missing finger, but flowery descriptors feel out of place in this situation.

Overall, this is a good start and I'm off to read the rest. Keep writing! :)

Random avatar
deleted30
Review
deleted30 wrote a review Review · Jan 7, 2014

Welcome to YWS! Lucrezia here for a review.

This is a fantastic piece. Really, I mean that. And it's even better considering it's your first upload here.

I love the title. It has an air of mystery and intrigue to it, which is perfect. The descriptions are flawless. So far, the characters seem interesting, though we don't know much about them yet. Same could be said for the plot. It grabs the reader from the beginning and is quite addicting.

That said, there's one big problem with this chapter, and that's that there is no paragraph breaks! Please please please go back and add some in, it's way too good for a technical fault as glaring as this one.

Here's an example:

"Who is it?" "Zephyr Nightseer and a captive royalist."


ALWAYS put a paragraph break in once a character finishes their dialogue, rather than having back-to-back quotation marks as shown above. Otherwise, you'll confuse the reader and just make it less fun to read.

Chapter 1 (Royalists and rebels)

July 2nd 2013


This is really my only other nitpick. I'm not sure if the "2013" is really necessary. It seems this story takes place in a kind of parallel universe, and because of that I don't feel the year really needs to be there. But, that's just my opinion.

I'm also not a fan of how this is written. I'd try:

'Chapter One:
Royalists and Rebels

July 2nd, 2013'

Really, though, that's not a very big deal. This story is so good as is that the only thing that really needs to be fixed is the lack of paragraph breaks.

Beyond that, amazing work! :D

Thanks. I had this in a notebook so I just copied it onto my computer from there and forgot to put in paragraph breaks.

User avatar
writingurl16 Review
writingurl16 wrote a review Review · Jan 7, 2014

Wow awesome job! i want to know more. I want to read on! I re read it to get a better idea but one thing I enjoyed was that you made it clear to the reader. I didn't have to go back to understand anything, it was an easy read. It was clear and at the same time it was a very interesting read. I am looking forward to reading more.

One comment I do have is that it would be nice if you would maybe develop the characters some more. I think that it will draw the readers into the story even more if you do.

All in all, Great job!

I'll have more character development in later chapters.

Thanks for your reviews and support :)



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— Plato