I stare down at my sister’s body. Her once beautiful face is covered in blood, her perfect body mutilated. You think death is simple until it is in front of you and then you realise; it is more complicated then you can ever comprehend. I can hear sirens rushing down our street. The police are almost here, the nightmare is finally over.
I have felt like the outsider ever since my parents brought her home from the hospital. At the tender age of four I knew I didn’t belong. They spoke for hours on end about how beautiful she was and I began to slip into the shadows. Shadows I would never leave, never be free of.
The worst of it was that she was pretty and well, I was the opposite. Not ugly, just one of those faces you don’t notice. Even her name was prettier than mine: pretty little Ava and dependable Claire, responsible Claire. Claire who would forever be shoved into the role of her sister’s keeper. After all, Ava was so little and helpless and there was nothing special about me. I was smart, top of my class, but in my family that didn’t matter. Beauty over brains.
Even then my childhood might have been ok if her personality had matched her face. Unfortunatly ever since she was old enough to know how, she tormented me, teased me, abused me both mentally and emotionally. I would try to speak about it, at home, at school, but no one believed me. After all sweet little Ava, popular little Ava would never behave like that.
By the time I finished school I had seen twenty psychologists. All of them gave up on me as a lost case. They took one look at Ava and wrote down their diagnosis of me. Attention seeking, controlling, disturbed, problem child. The names stuck and it got around school. And guess who started the rumors.
I was nineteen and at uni. I had friends, a boyfriend and I was happy at last. And in my happiness I imagined Ava had changed. Myself and my boyfriend, Hayden, came home for the holidays and Ava was nothing, but sweet. Fifteen and more gorgeous than ever. I even thought we could be friends. Of course then I walked in on them kissing.
At least Hayden had the sense to be apologetic. But after he had left and Ava and I were alone it began again. “He’s to good for you,” she had said, “he deserves someone like me. Because who could ever love you?”
And here I am, on the night my sister died. The night I murdered her. Maybe this will help you understand why I had to.
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140,372 Literary Works • 673,125 Reviews
Need I say first of all. Welcome to YWS. You will improve by leaps and bounds, if you put the effort in. I can assure you of that!
...I can hear siren’s coming down our street...
Sirens without the apostrophe. To make the sentence more forceful, substitute coming with rushing.
...The police are almost here, the nightmare is almost over...
Why would the nightmare be over when the police arrive? This is a plot incongruity. What the MC is seeking for is a stop to the emotional neglect and torture she has been plunged into. She's desperate enough to eliminate her torturer. Should not the nightmare already be over?
... siter’s keeper...
Run if possible your draft through a spell checker before posting.
... her personality matched her face...
Properly this should be ...had matched...
...Unfortunatly...
Spellchecker.
... ever since she was old enough to know how, she tormented me, teased me, abused me both mentally and emotionally...
Too many "me" makes this repetitive. Group the verbs together.
...After all sweet little Ava, popular little Ava would never behave like that...
Comma after after all. Group adjectives so that your sentence is more concise.
Alright. That ends my review. It's been really fast paced, so the story doesn't really show the emotional torment in the MC. You'll learn that in time and practice!
Keep up writing!!
Hi there! I hope you are having a good time. I would like to state beforehand that I haven't written a lot of reviews and hence I may not be exactly helpful with my review here. Yet I will try my best.
Your title "Sister's Keeper" doesn't give out much about your story which is a good thing here- as you have a bulk load of shock and thrill all packed up in the last paragraph. And the “catchy” title reminds me of a movie “My Sister’s Keeper” which tells the story of two sisters, unlike your story it ends up on an emotional note, revealing a deep, loving relationship between the siblings. That made me expect that your story was going to be similar; I read through to the end only to find my presumption shattered. And that made for a thrilling, horrifying story for me as a reader. One starts off rather sympathetic towards the main character but at the end, on account of the “cold-blooded” murder, she seems very appalling and antagonistic. At least that’s how I felt.
SPaG nitpicks:
Here, “Unfortunatly” should be spelled “Unfortunately”.
Here’s another typo I found; “siter’s” should be “sister’s”.
Here, “to” should be “too”. And I also felt that this line is rather sloppy. Perhaps you could rewrite it.
And that’s it. I have to say you have done a commendable job with the SPaG.
Now, here are some lines that could use a rewrite. I don’t mean they are bad but they could certainly be made better.
Rest is all good. That’s all from me. Great work! Keep writing. Take Care.
Thanks for all the positive reviews. I normally write fantasy and this was my first try at writing horror so I'm glad some people liked it.
Wow, this was really good. This is amazingly well written, and it is well done. I love how you start the chapter with what happens at the end. It gives the reader a sense of wonder of what actually happened. It is very creative to do that. I love how you use the rare form of first person narrative instead of the third person narrative that is common now a days.
So here are some of the things that I liked.
Okay there is one I would suggest you edit:
~From the Reviewing Center of GreenTulip.
hello sera
omg , that was the most amazingly awesome short story i have ever read , honestly , the idea is so so interesting .
first i wanna say that i liked how you started with the end , it made your story so attractive .
especially this part "I can hear siren’s coming down our street. The police are almost here, the nightmare is almost over." .
i also liked the sequence of events and ideas .
''They spoke for hours on end about how beautiful she was'' i think it should be and not end .
"Claire who would forever be shoved into the role of her siter’s keeper" it's sister's .
the end is extremely catchy and beautiful .
in general your story was so good , made me loove horror stories .
keep up the good work , please let me know when you write other stories .
smile