Many times in this sad world light had shone through the darkness, only to be extinguished. The people did not live, they survived, and there was one man who was not content. He, like so many others, tried to overpower the darkness with light.
The world hammered down hope, but his aim was to rise high, and he had risen high, higher than the hammer, and in the dark night's sky he shone his light. The people saw his feats, and followed, all of them rising above, every one of them searching for their hope.
But the battle had just begun, and the darkness was ready to fight once more. So the people fought, led by this great man. But his hope was not to find, but to protect, his light, the person he called his sister. Such a kind creature she was, too good for the dark world. It was her light that shone, not his, for his was lost, and could never be brought back.
Her innocence and goodness were what the people were following, the man being only the one that sounded it across the battlefield, for her voice was what the darkness had taken, and she could never sing the songs he so loved to hear again, but she never ceased to teach him and guide him, him, and all the others.
Light fought back darkness, and the man saw many find their lights, but he knew his wasn't going to come. He was made of darkness as well, it had consumed him, but his heart was made of black light, as fragile as glass, as sharp as swords; so he fought despair with despair, as the light destroyed all darkness, and bit by bit, him along with it, and he fought, knowing that his destiny was to vanish, and that no one would remember him.
Months and years passed until all darkness was defeated, and only he remained as a vestige of sadness where the ashes of the old world fell. And he knew that he was the thing that bonded the darkness to the world, and as long as he existed, the light could never truly triumph, and that darkness could always strike once more. He went back to where the battle had begun, and saw his sister once more, before vanishing. She had never known that he was darkness, and she would never know.
He left the brave people, and went where the wind took him, and started breaking apart like glass. So he faded away, only his darkness would be remembered, and his name, feats, and courage would be lost; no one would sing of his adventures, no one would tell his stories, no one was there to mourn his death but the sky, only the night saw him die.
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128,917 Literary Works • 671,499 Reviews
Overall, I enjoyed your story, and I think you had a good, deep plot, with a lot of messages in the background.
The language you used made the story sound darker. Good vocabulary.
I like that the man recognized that the world he was fighting for eventually wouldn't accept him, but he kept on fighting anyway. I also like how it took both light and dark together to defeat the darkness, as well as how you used repetition to express just how constant and menacing the darkness was.
Something I wasn't sure about was how you introduced the man's sister. As I read the first few sentences, I thought that the words hinted that the light was in the man himself. "And he, like so many others, bared light within him. But this man's light was much stronger than the others." You say at the beginning that he has light inside of him. But later you say the opposite, "It was her light that shone, not his, for his was lost, and could never be brought back." It feels like your story changes as it goes on. I think you are trying to reveal more as we read on, but it felt like you actually contradicted yourself there.
There were some slight spelling mistakes, but I'm sure that they were just an accident.
I don't have much experience as a writer, and this is my first review, but I hope that it helped.
Hi! Thank you for the review and all the compliments!
Yes, I have noticed that contradiction, and I was trying to find a way of fixing it, I'll edit it as soon as I find a different way of exposing that bit.
Hello, my friend.
First, I do so enjoy your writing style. You are dramatic and forceful; you do not play around. You jump straight to the point. You seem to ensure that no word is wasted. There is never a point where I want to stop reading because of your writing style.
Second, I have no idea what I am supposed to see from this story. That probably doesn't make sense because I am crazy, but I just wanted to see something inside this story. The problem may be that I want it to be longer. Yes it is a short story, but you have two characters here. Are they developed? Eh. But you can easily transform them into something fantastic. Run with this idea, please. I love the dichotomy between light and dark. Any story involving the juxtaposition of these two ideas immediately interests me, as it does to countless others. So why not expand upon this idea? Tell us more about this world, these people, their lives, their situation. Show me this universe of yours.
I enjoy your writing, so please show me more. I'm sorry that I didn't focus on grammar. The other reviewers seemed to cover it. Keep me posted if you continue with this. Happy Writing!
Hi! thank you very much for spending the time to read and review!
. It won't be too long, as I have a thousand other projects to finish, but I'll send you a message once the first part is out 
I had no plans of continuing this, but you gave me a lot of good ideas, and now I'm convinced that I'll continue it
Thanks again!
This is a fantastic piece filled to the brim with colourful imagery and a majestic voice! It felt to be a grand epic, called to a kings subjects in a time of need. It was regal; it was extravagant. Congratulations on a beautiful job well done.
Onto my nitpicks:
Perhaps my negative feelings are due to the lengths of your paragraphs and your sentences. They seem to gruel on forever.
Also, your paragraphs are far too long. I couldn't think of anything else while reading this but; "God... This is long." Separate things. I would suggest a cut at "But the battle..." in paragraph one, "Months and years..." in paragraph two, and paragraph three can be left.
Another thing that I noticed was a rather massive run on sentence in paragraph two. Separate the ideas please.
All technical issues, but by fixing them, your text will be a lot more appealing to look at and more inviting for a potential reader.
I suggest you turn this text over to a public speaking group and have them perform this with their heartiest voice. This is a text for a king.
Hi! Thank you very much for the kind words, I am glad that you liked this story so much!
I fixed the paragraphs, I hope it looks beater now.
Welcome to YWS! Lucrezia here to review.
This is a really phenomenal piece. I'm so, so impressed by this, especially considering you just joined yesterday! The words you used to weave this story together, the beauty of the descriptiveness, was just astounding. Awesome job!
Okay, now for the nitpicks.
As Deadman already said, two of this short's greatest faults are the lack of paragraph breaks, and the overuse of the word "so." I'm going to let the paragraph thing slide, and instead focus on the repetitive "so"s. Here's an example:
See how many "so"s are in that? It's not a huge deal, but it does break up the flow of the piece and makes it's kind of rough to read.
I think that's everything. Which is impressive, because I couldn't find any misspellings or "big issues" in this. Great work!
I'm happy that you liked it! And thank you very much for reading and reviewing, I'll do beater next time.
Dang! This is (heh excuse the pun) dark and chilling. A couple of times I had chills run down my spine! Well I'd like to welcome you to YWS, and congratulate you on your first post. This is an interesting story, and I really liked the idea.
So let's jump into this. First off, before you hit submit, take a look at the story and format it. This is all mashed up into a block, and it makes it a little difficult to read. (My first turned into a block too so don't worry!) Next off,
"but his hart was made of black light"
I really think you meant to write heart, because hart is a male deer.
Alright, my next comment would be that you started sentences with "So" a lot. It was really repetitive in that sense. It looks bad too, so try and change up the starts of those sentences.
Light VS. Darkness is a common plot or idea, but you threw a new twist into it. The man who is our hero is,in a sense, also the enemy. Now that's interesting. My only question would be if this girl, who is the light, is indeed this mans sister, wouldn't she be made of darkness too? Or maybe they are like the Chinese Yin-Yang! Oh so many things for me to ponder today!
I love the story, I really do! It was great, not to many mistakes either. Remember to check the format, and always read the story to yourself! I hope to see more works from you in the future. Until then if you have any questions feel free to PM me. Happy writing!
Cheers,
DeadmanXD
Thank you very much for this review, it helps a lot! I'll keep in mind everything you said, and I'm glad you liked it.
Thanks for reading!
Oh yes, I forgot to answer your question. The concept is like the Yin-Yang, the girl was innocent, extrovert and friendly and everyone loved her, while the man was solitary, cold and ended up doing wrong decisions, and he was corrupted by darkness.