*Note- So I decided to post chapter two. If I haven't mentioned it before, these chapters are going to be rough and certainly not the best, story writing is something I'm experimenting with. Do feel free to be as nit-picky as possible!*
Morning birds chirped outside the duplex window, waking me up. I had always been a morning person, but after the many dreams earlier that night, I woke in fear. This time, the clock read 5:00. It wasn't long before I swapped my pajamas with warm water, desperately needing to wash away a long nights sleep. A nice shower, a quick outfit change, and I made my way down the old wooden stairs.
"Tate!" Said a sing-song voice from the kitchen.
"Mindy, you're up early." I said with surprise. She was never much of a morning person. A giggle emerged from the young child as I gawked at the scene in the kitchen. Flour coated the white walls, the dark cabinets, the dishwasher, and fridge. Pancake batter was splattered across the counter. I took a deep breath to release all anger, and said sweetly, "You could of told me you wanted pancakes, I could of made them for you."
"I wanted to do it, but it didn't work." She said with a pout, tossing her curly red locks over her shoulder. I never truly knew where she got her red curls, but I love them.
"How about we go to iHop and get all the pancakes you want." I said brightly, knowing how much she loved the golden cakes they served. When she nodded and raced to her room to change, I grabbed my car keys. A quick call and a good friend would come later to help me clean up the mess. Mindy came back in a pink dress, and we were out the door and into my trusty stead. A Ford pick-up truck. Maybe it was the way the engine sounded, the looks, or the large storage space, but pick-up trucks were my second love; Mindy would always be my first.
The car ride there was anything but subtle. Disney music blared through the stereo system. We definitely received some glares from passing cars. Smiles were rare when we went out. It's not ideal to most, a 20 year old man caring for a 4 year old. If only they understood that she's my sister. Even though the man who created her was a rapist, and even though our mother was a druggie who died at child birth; Mindy was still the most innocent and sweetest child I had ever known. I love her.
We pulled into iHop, and made our way into the restaurant, hand in hand. Her eyes lit up as soon as the smell of pancakes entered her nose. As long as I had Mindy, it was going to be a good day.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey. I don't quite know what to say about this other than that I think the title is extremely interesting. Not quite sure as to its significance yet but I'm hoping that will become clear in later chapters. So far I haven't got much to go on, I feel I can't really evaluate this.
While reading I didn't spot any grammar issues so there's no problem reading it. You've told us a little bit about Mindy, the little girl and I would definitely like to read on and hear more.
The way you're kind of easing into the plot is adding tension which makes this pretty impressive. The suspense is also there because I'm not a hundred percent sure where you're taking this. At this point I wouldn't be sure how to continue.
Please update soon.
Hey Secrete!
I think you did a good job here of making me curious! I am so interested to know more about their mother and Mindy's father and possibly even meet the mother as she is today. Tate must be busy playing the fatherly role now and I am curious as to where you are going to go with the plot. I also like the idea of Mindy being a little girl and Tate her older brother - they make such a ramshackle pair.
Back for more of course. I don't mind these chapters coming out too slowly
This is the only nitpick I could possibly find! It's a sentence which needs a question mark at the end instead of the full stop. Other than that, all the punctuation and grammar looks perfect.
This was weird chapter transition. Looking at the previous chapter it seemed like we were going to see Tate go to work next. But instead, like the beginning of the previous chapter he seems to wake up all over again. My suggestion is in the previous chapter make it so he hasn't actually left his room or gone downstairs yet, and make it so that in this chapter he doesn't wake up. Then we have the smooth transition between chapters where Tate leaves his bedroom and goes downstairs to see Mindy making a mess in the kitchen.
Also, reading the pancake scene, I would never have guessed that Mindy was only four years old. In my mind, before you mentioned her age, I thought she was Tate's girlfriend! I was really surprised to learn otherwise. I think if you played up the pancake making scene a bit more, then we could picture Mindy as younger. Mention how their was bits of dough every and flour covering all the surfaces, even the ceiling somehow. And then make Tate's eyes settle on the guilty face of this little child, who is pouting because she just wanted to do something herself.
Does a four year old need help getting cleaned up and dressed? I would think so, a little bit. If I have picked up anything from babysitting, that sure is one thing I did notice.
Other than those few points to make Mindy's character a bit more obvious, I doubt there is much more for me to add. You wrote this very well, and I am always looking forwards to when the next chapter is posted
Deanie x