Note-I hope this sounds alright! This is my first novel attempt. This chapters awfully short, but oh well. Feel free to tear it apart.
His pale arms shook as the blade traveled once, twice, and a third time across a tender piece of skin. Old scars littered his arms. He wasn't sure why he was cutting his skin, but yet, he sensed the tragedy and sadness pulsing through his emotions. It felt right. As if hurting saved a soul from torturing others. Blood gushed from the new gashes, covering the white carpeted floor, which was sure to stain. This time, he went deeper. He knew it could kill him. It would all be over soon.
A scream escaped from parch lips, terror taking over his once calm mind. He knew death would take him, but suddenly, he wasn't sure he wanted it to happen. "Help me!" He wailed, using the last of his strength. He heard footsteps coming torwards his room right before he passed out.
Tate woke up rubbing his wrists, glancing for scars, though he had yet to find one. He ran his fingers through his curly blonde hair, feeling sick to his stomach. It was all just a dream. He had been having them since he turned 18, each one differnt yet all of them terrifying. Glancing to the clock, it read '1:57'. Groaning, Tate wondered what his boss would do when he came in yet again with bags under his green, tired eyes.
A note poked out of the thin bed sheets. He grabbed it, not sure why it was there. Memories flooded his head. Arriving to the meeting late. Being shoved out the door, out into the hallway. The boss thinking I was late. A stern talking to on how I've been late too many times and then a release note. Thoughts and questions flooded through him.
What would Mindy do when she found out I couldn't afford to pay for the house anymore?
How could I keep us out of a soup kitchen? I can't let Mindy live the life I once lived.
Could I convince the duplex owner to let us live at the duplex for just a little while longer?
Where would I work?
Bitter hate ran through him at the thought of Henry, the middle aged man, who used to be my coworker, who had pushed and locked him out of the door. Why was I so hated? Was it bad karma? Was all out of sheer bad luck? My fists clenched. He'll pay for this. They'll all pay. I'll protect Mindy and I. Frustration and a sleep deprived mind fought to win it's take on my mind. With nothing left to do, I let sleep take over again.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okayyy...a pretty intense first chapter here, lots of things happening here...and it certainly manages to do the job of getting the story set up and making you want to read on here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well that's not a good sign at all to start off with there, things certainly seem to be going quite horrible here right at the very start of this story...and this looks to be a person that's suffering through a potentially quite terrible situation here to be doing something like this without having the ability to stop himself here.
Okay...well, that's a nice turn of events there, definitely quite interesting to see how he ended up going that far in the first place and what ended up stopping this person here. And the fact that he passes out here as he uses the last of energy to call for help, manages to ground this thing nicely in showing how much blood he's lost there.
Well, that's a neat little twist there with it all turning out to be a dream or perhaps even some form of flashback induced dream...but at any rate...this is a pretty neat introduction to our protagonist here, we get a general of what he's like and the situation he's in at the moment....which coupled with those very intriguing first couple of paragraphs makes for a pretty awesome opening here.
Okay...well that was a bit of a chaotic flashback but it looks like this is someone who was fired there....I do love the vibe of how you make those sentences nice and short to give the effect of images flashing past you in your memories as they flood back. That really gives you a sense of what this person feels like here.
Okay...well, this certainly makes the whole dream sequence at the start be quite irrelevant there as some very tangible and quite worrying sounding problems are spelt out here...and you get a few hints as to what sort of past this person may have had too....which definitely helps out a first chapter.
Okay...and we have a bit of anger slipping in there as well, that's interesting cause it seems to be referring to a bit of a revenge theme slipping into this one as well. All in all, a pretty neat little start here to this story.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, a pretty solid start here, definitely caught my attention very quickly this one. This seems like the type of story that I would continue reading here. Anyway that's about all I've gotta say here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey Secrete! Stella here!
So this was fairly intriguing and you have a fairly solid beginning of something here... Usually I'm opposed to starting with a dream sequence, but because of the title I knew it was going to happen so it didn't feel like cheating.
One of the amazing things you're doing here is showing instead of telling - working your descriptions into your story rather than keeping the two separate. And that's really good! But I did think that with so many details, your story gets slowed down a little bit. For instance when you say "Henry, the middle aged man" -- I had to read that twice. And who was Henry? Maybe you could save the physical details until we see him in person a bit more, and here instead describe who he is and why he is important in Tate's situation.
Another little detail - where you said he'd been having the dreams since he was eighteen - it felt a bit too raw to have in the second paragraph. I think overall the main issue is that you're trying to get too much information into a very short piece of prose! And you're using good tactics to get that information in there but all the same it's a bit of an overload. I think if you slowed down the pace of this piece it would work a lot better. For instance, when he sees the note, maybe he could pick the note up and read it, and we could learn the exact wording of the note - is it his notice from work? We'll get more of a sense of it. This is a very short segment, and if you're planning a whole novel, then you have a ton of time to get all these little details across to us, so don't worry about doing it all right here, right now!
Overall, this was pretty good though, you have a lovely voice
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Hello Secrete!
This was so not rubbish. It was quite good in fact, I enjoyed reading it. I thought it was clever how you mixed his appearance description in with the actual story (many people find this kinda hard to do without a paragraph of full-on description) and I think Tate is a pretty interesting name. I haven't seen it in fiction much. It was a short chapter, so this will be a short review and there wasn't much to find wrong with it either.
I think you mean poked.
Just so I don't have to quote a humungous amount of text... you know the bit in the middle where we see all of Tate's thoughts about needing to do this and that. Well, you wrote it all in past tense. But I think it would be befitting to have them in present tense because although it's all in past tense, it's not like thoughts change due to tenses. You are telling us what he thought at that moment, regardless of where it is in his memory. Eee, I'm not sure if that made sense, but in short I think it would fit nicely in present tense. It felt a little odd reading it in past.
Some of this was in italics and I don't think it really needed to be... a mistake maybe? Also, you've got mind in the same sentence twice, so I would change one of them so it doesn't repeat.
Really, there is nothing more to say. Short and well done! I've only seen poetry from you, so this is nice to see
Deanie x
Thanks for the review!
Hi SecreteJournalist, this is Sherri.
Good luck with the rest of your novel!
The story itself sounds alright, especially if this is your first attempt. I noticed a few things here and there that might need work, but there were only a few; great job!
Before I start suggesting things, though--since this is a novel--you'll have to let me know if things you write are intentional; like if you hold back information like a character's description or the personality traits of a person on purpose. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but what I'm trying to say is that if I comment on something that you did on purpose (like you were going for a be-vague-then-reveal technique; I do that often in my own writing), then disregard that comment! Everyone's writing style is different, so I can't be sure where you're going with this story, so I thought I would just mention that.
Okay, so firstly, when Tate finds the note--and the paragraph following that briefly explains events that happened to him--you might want to get a bit more detailed. Maybe where he worked and why his boss was mad (because he came to work late too much, I think...?)
I'm also confused as of to who Mindy is. A girlfriend, his wife, a relative?
Also, when you say the "rent man", you are talking about the owner of the (apartment complex?) building they live in, right? You might need to specify where Tate lives and under what conditions in order to build up a setting. That way readers can visualize what Tate's situation is like; if he's not doing so well financially, it would be a good idea to highlight poor living conditions to make a point. It's all up to you what you do with that, though.
And finally, is Henry the "rent man" or his boss? I got a little confused there, so you may need to specify that as well. And... I don't know if you did this on purpose or if you accidentally changes Point Of View, but in the last paragraph you went from Third Person to First Person POV. I used to (and still do) have a really bad habit of doing that unintentionally, so that's why I mentioned it.
Sorry for the super-long review! I hope it helped some.
Thanks!
Feel free to tear this to shreds!