don't even think about coming for dessert
burnt sugar glaciers
stand well on their own
vinegar gingerbread
break his legs off
remembering one
grain of salt on your lip
but your eyes always were
grainy-caramel soft
skeleton gelato
hot pepper cake
baklava frozen hard
oatmeal ice cream
burning my tongue
on cinnamon glaze
while thinking what else
kitchen counters could do
mint carrot pie
cut up all uneven
tabasco ambrosia
empty fortune cookies
all this for wondering
whether you kiss
the way sugar melts
get out of my kitchen
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Loved this! i could feel what you were writing about on my tongue as you wrote - it was AWESOME. I applaud the strength of your imagery!
About the so-called 'wierd desserts' - are you trying to express your disappointment at not being kissed with these twisted dishes? Like 'empty fortune cookies' - to me, it felt like you all your sadness packed into a powerful gustatory punch.
Also liked the twist in the last line - strong ending.
Anyways, toodaloo, cheerio, keep it up!
Soph x
This was written in the kitchen. Am i right? I'm right. Right? Before I hit the last line, I was in in the kitchen you sent me to. Then I was told to get out. Thanks for the ride, It was a little confusing. I did like the Baklava metaphor and now that I review I find myself liking the poem more too. It was alright. I'm not much of a poet, but I am looking for something with a little more feeling. Not as many 'top shelf' items. Keep it up, your style is awaiting to be tapped for the gold and oil.
I usually don't review many poems, but this caught my eye, so forgive me if it's not very helpful. I liked the way you show different sides of "deserts" as in, the kiss. It can be frozen hard, or soft, or spicy, or all the examples you wrote. It was very intruiging, and it has a purpose - all the deserts lead to the kiss. I thought it started off with a rather rough attitude, but eased slowly into a slightly relaxed one [only slightly]. The last line, however, was not very clear to me. I think that it takes the kitchen metaphor a bit too far, if it's intended to be a metaphor. I liked the name very much, it has a touch of irony to it. In all the names of the desserts, I think the reader could get a bit lost, so you might want to consider shortning it, but also, this is your poem, and I find it great the way it is, so the choice is up to you. All in all, great job.
Hope this helped.
Ofir
I think this is what the whole poem is about. You went to all that work making dessert, wondering how he kissed. Then he didn't kiss you. So, you tell him to get out of your kitchen.
Beautiful, but it doesn't fit in with the unusual dessert list.
You start off strong and with attitude (which I always like) but then you started listing weird-sounding desserts, which was very off-putting. True, you had some commentary attached to the weird-sounding desserts, but before it got interesting, you went through the grocery list of desserts again. And then you added the last line, which once again has attitude. So, all in all, the poem has a very disjointed (and not in a good way) style to it that makes it sound like an attempt of love/heartbreak poetry coupled with a Wicked Witch's grocery list for her cauldron. So... work on it a bit. It's really rough right now.