~Chapter 4~
Evelyn
I tried to shove my way forward, but people kept blocking my path, trying to see the people on the gurneys. “MOVE IT!” I yelled. Everyone stopped, and cleared a path to the three beds. I saw David, an arrow shaft in his arm, thrashing around, trying to get of the bed he was strapped to, trying to make sure his scouters were okay. Charlie, her leg bleeding and sharp blow on her head, and Harper. She had a large cut in her right forearm, a cut running the length of her ribs, no doubt a spear cut, and various cuts and puncture wounds on her legs. Her curly black hair was wet with blood and sweat.
I raced along side the beds, trying to keep ahold of Harpers hand. We burst through the doors, then they took her away, wheeling her to the back surgery room.
“What happened!?” I yelled at David, crossing the room in three strides. David had gone silent, and didn’t answer my question. “WHAT HAPPENED!?” I yelled, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him. “Tell me what happened!”
“Evelyn!” The doctors and nurses grabbed my arms and tried to pull me back, but my grip was like iron. “TELL ME WHY HARPER IS COVERED IN BLOOD AND HURT!”
I shook him harder, but all he said was “Southern attack, nothing I could do.” Then he passed out.
“NO!” I shouted, shaking his limp shoulders.
“Evelyn.” I felt Sander’s hands on my shoulders. He drew me away from the bed and brought me to an empty cot.
“Can you give us a moment alone?” He asked. The doctors nodded and went back to attending Charlie. Sander got up, closed the curtain, and wrapped his arms around me. I leaned into him and buried my face into his shirt. He rubbed my hair, and just let me sob. Finally, I took a deep breath and sat up. Sander wiped my cheek, and kissed my forehead. “Are you okay?” He asked. I took a deep breath.
“Yes,” I said. He took my hand, and gave it a squeeze. “Alright.” We got up and went into the door separating Harper and I. She was hooked up tubes and wires, and covered in blood. I looked away. I may be the great and fearless leader of the Northern Colony, but I can’t watch surgeries. The whole, open up your person thing, I just cant handle it. My hand grasped Sanders so hard his fingers turned red. But he didn’t complain. He just rubbed my bicep and whispered comforting things into my ear.
“Evelyn?” Sander and I separated quickly. “Um, David is awake, if you want to question him.” A nurse tech was standing there, twisting her hands. She looked nervous, like I was going to send her to jail or something.
“Thanks,” I spoke softy, so my voice wouldn’t crack. “But I think I’ve gotten all I’m going to get out of him.” She nodded and hurried away.
“Oops,” said Sander. I looked at him. Oops didn’t cover it. If she told everyone, the STrs could get him. Then they’d have something over me, and I just might give in. I looked back in the room where Harper was, but she was alone, hooked up to a bunch of monitors and such. I walked in and sat on her bed. She was stone cold. I squeezed my eyes shut, but a tear ran down my cheek.
“Is that a tear?” a raspy voice said. I looked over and Harper was awake, a small smile playing across her lips. I let out a sigh of relief and took her hand.
“Seriously though, I didn’t think that was possible!” If she wasn’t in such bad shape, I probably would have swatted her. But, considering her oh so perfect condition, I settled for an eye role. “What happed?” I asked her. She sighed. “They came out of no where. It was quiet, and all of a sudden, these southern bees on the horizon.”
“Bees?”
“What I’m calling hover crafts.”
“Naturally. Continue.”
She shrugged. “Three on ten, we fought they won. You know the rest.” I did. This had been going sense the Colonies were founded, about five years ago. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have sent you out on that trip. I know it was a bad idea and-“
“Hey!” Harper cut me off. “You didn’t have a choice. I don’t blame you. I blame the God forsaken STers.” It was strange getting comfort. Usually, I didn’t have comfort. I was the Leader, the strong, unemotional leader. I wasn’t used to having comfort.
“Now go away. I want to wallow in blankets and pillows.” I looked at her.
“I don’t think that’s how you use that word.”
“Oh what ever.” Harper gave a weak wave as she spoke. I got up and closed the door. Sander was talking to David. I hid behind the curtain, listening in.
“-to take over.”
“Yeah, I’m afraid you’re going to be out for a while. Alright, what do I need to know?”
“Nothing much, just where the Borders are.”
Sander chuckled. “Well, I have to know that.”
“That’s true. Alright, thanks Sander.”
“No problem.” Sander got up and left.
I tapped my earpiece, linking it to the intercom. “Sander, please report to the main office, please report to the main office.” I left the Hospital, letting the doors slam behind me. When I got to my office, Sander was already there.
“What was that about!?”
He took a step back. “What was what?”
“In the hospital! You and David! What was that about!?”
“Were you spying on us!?” No it was my turn to be speechless.
“What? No! I just… heard, some of it. But that’s not the point!”
He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “I’m taking over as director of Scouting.”
I did not see that coming. “What!?” I yelled.
“Evelyn, its nothing to get so worked up about!”
“What! Nothing to get- I cant- how could you-“ Finally, I gave up and just sat down, burring my face in my arms. I refused to let myself cry, but I just couldn’t bring myself to look at him.
He stoked my hair. “Hey now, its alright! Its only until David gets back on his feet.”
“But what if you don’t come back?” My voice was muffled.
“I’ll come home to you. I promise.” He kissed my hair and left. I lifted my head got out my communicator. It was a small, hand healed device that could send messages without needing Wi-Fi. I only had two people I could communicate with, Chase, and Sander. HELP! I wrote. Loosing NC, need assistance. –E.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hi Scribbles! Popping in for a review for the good of all stories!
First of all I am impressed. I am hooked, I don't get obstructed by cheesy or over-description that sounds forced. In fact you have a very dynamic prose! It is very easy to read and very quick to show action. Bravo, but don't get arrogant alright haha!
Structurally it was good to read, but occasional errors stop my reading at certain points:
"Charlie, her leg bleeding and sharp blow on her head, and Harper. "
-There is something wrong here. I think there should be a full-stop after 'head.' And 'Harper' should mark the start of a new sentence.
"David had gone silent, and didn’t answer my question."
-Break this up into two sentences.
“TELL ME WHY HARPER IS COVERED IN BLOOD AND HURT!”
-Okay you need not repeat the fact that she's in blood and already hurt. Omit 'And hurt.' An angry person would make her sentences short and sharp.
“Southern attack, nothing I could do.” Then he passed out.
-This sounded a little funny, because it appeared like David was alright saying that line, and then passing out. What I imagined was him struggling to even speak. Then, he passed out.
"She was hooked up tubes and wires, and covered in blood."
-Rephrase: she was covered in blood, hooked up to tubes and wires.
"I settled for an eye role."
-What's an eye role?
"had been going sense the Colonies were founded, about five years ago."
-You mean 'since the Colonies.'
"burring my face"
-burying my face?
"He stoked my hair."
-He stroked my hair.
But aside from that you delivered a very fast paced and dynamic story! You brought the reader to many locations and had Evelyn become the point of view. This is a very strong point to allow your readers to clearly relate and feel for her. The constant moving of locations makes me feel like the story is in progress, that nothing is stagnant or forced for no reason.
Great job Scribbles. I actually went to your prologue to find out more about Evelyn, it would be awesome if she was a sensitive and emotional yet muscular, woman warrior.
Hey Scribblebug,
I like Evelyn's character, but to me she doesn't seem really alive yet. I want to see more of her emotions and thoughts. I get everything she says. She says she doesn't Sander to be scouting leader. She tells me Sander is holding her hand. But I don't know how she feels and thinks about any of this. I want to know her emotions and feelings in her head whenever Sander touches her, so I feel closer to the romance. So it feels more personal to the reader. I want to see all the bad images of what can happen to Sander that briefly flash through her mind as she starts to panic. What I'm missing here is detail, and with it this story can improve.

I think you meant walk through the door.
Another good chapter. I liked how it ended with a distress call because that made me want to turn over the next page and read more. If I could
There were a few typos I would like to point out. Easily fixed though
"No it was my turn to be speechless," - I think you mean now.
"This had been going sense the Colonies were founded, about five years ago" I think you mean since instead of sense.
"I settled for a eye role," eye roll should be here.
"burring my face in my arms." Burrying, not burring.
"Walk in the door" Walking into a door is very painful
And lastly when she started panicking because Sander was going to be Scouting Leader, it didn't feel like such a big thing to me. I didn't understand what if basically meant. It would be nice if you could explain this a bit more. And does the scouting leader also need to go on the scouting trips?
It was another good chapter, and the story is developing. I wonder if any more characters would enter and who will respond to her plea for help? Keep letting me know when you post more, please ^^
Deanie x
Thanks! Yeah, I see what you mean. Evelyn is a harder character, so I'm having trouble drawing the line between making her seemed closed off and just plain not giving enough detail. I'll work on it!
I hope to be posting more in the next week (if my schedule agrees!)! Thanks!
~Scribb~