Chapter 3
~Chase~
I spun around in my wheelie chair, pushing off my desk. I checked my laptop again, seeing if the Internet was working. Yes! As fast as I could make my fingers fly, I looked up on wikki leaks (yeah, its still up and running) as searched “Southern Tribe mind sweep”. The computer loaded. Slowly loaded. Always slowly. “Yes!” The page came up, and Internet shut off. “No!” I slammed my fist against my desk. My second in command, Kayne, came in.
“What is it?” He leaned in the doorway.
I gestured to the computer. “Internet.”
He came over and looked at the laptop, his curly hair falling in his eyes he flipped it over, tapped the bottom left corner, and reprogramed the computer.
“See if that works.”
I tried it again, but it didn’t work. “Oh well. I’ll just have to wait until it’s up again. Thanks for trying.”
Kayne saluted with two fingers and walked out. “See ya Chase.”
The grey cloudy sky of the Washington/ Portland border opened up, sending rain cascading down. The troops I had working outside all looked up, and spoke into there com-bracelets. “Its pouring buckets out here. Cant we continue this inside?”
I gave the go ahead, and a little girl with strawberry-blond hair, so it looked almost pink, came bounding in.
“Hi Chase!” She came over and gave me a hug. “Abbey!” My little sister stepped away from me, and heeled out a closed fist. “What’s that,” I asked her. Her sandy colored eyes shone.
“I made it. In school! Its for you!” I smiled.
“Did you really!”
“Mhm. Go on, open it!” I undid her soft little fingers and found a little painted clay duck. “Aw, its so adorable! Thanks Ab!” He face looked like it might spit in too.
“I remembered that ducks are your favorite, and we did art today. So I made a ducky for you!” I put it on my desk, right in front of the double picture frame, one side with Abbey and me, the other with my family. Old family. Abbey climbed up onto my lap, and stroked the picture of out family. “I miss Momsa and Dad.” For some reason, Abbey had always called Mom ‘Mumsa’. I stroked her curls. “I do to Ab. But they’re still here.” She looked at me, very confused.
“Hu?”
I laughed, and pointed to her heart. “Right in there.” She still looked confused, so I gave up on that. “Just, always remember them and love them. That’s all.” She smiled again.
“I promise.”
“Good girl!”
“Hey squirt.” Kayne came over, and ruffled Abbey’s hair. She giggled and swatted his hand away. “Stop it Kayne, or I’ll mess your hair up!”
“Oh, jeez, I’m really scared now!”
“Well, you should be Kayne! I’m sure it takes so long to style your hair, like rolling out of bed and letting that curly mop just go where ever you want it to!”
He rolled his eyes at me. “It’s a little more than that! I run my fingers through it, then, I let this, quote ‘curly mop just fall over the place’,” He launched back, using air quotes and a bad imitation of my voice.
“Man, you really need to work on your imitations.” He shrugged, and looked back at Abbey, who was giggling uncontrollably on my lap. “Alright squirt, I think you need to be going back to the kiddie hall for lunch.” He pinched one of her curls, straightened it, and let it bounce back. I looked at the time. “Ooh, He’s right! Go on back for lunch, then we can play more after, okay?” She grinned.
“Okay!” She got up and was about to leave, then turned around. “And Kayne, It isn’t a kiddie hall, ‘cus I’m eight, and so is almost everyone else.” Then she skipped off, her curls bouncing.
“Kids got some cheek!”
“Oh gee, I wonder where she gets it from? Maybe from almost eight years of being around you?” He rolled his eyes but shrugged.
I ran my fingers through my straight strawberry blond hair. It was redder than Abbeys, and a whole lot straighter that her perfect curls. My hair had a bit of a wave to it, but that’s a bout it. Also, my eyes were blue, compared to the sandy brown of her eyes.
Kayne wrinkled his eyebrow. “Hey! You’re letting your hair grow out!” It was true, my one short cropped hair I had now let grow out to just passed my ears.”
“So?”
“So! I bet you ten bucks three years ago that you would let your hair grow out! But you said you never would, that it was to much of a pain!” He grinned triumphantly. I blinked. “You still remember that!?”
“Sure! And you do too, apparently!”
“Well, yeah, now that you tell me!”
He grinned, and held out his hand. “Pay up!”
I rolled my eyes and slapped a ten in his hand. “Any reason you’re still here?”
“Oh, yeah.”
“Well, what is it?”
“Evelyn sent a message. She’d like to meet about maybe joining
forces. Things are getting critical with the STers. Says if we don’t, we may just loose the Northern Colony of Inhabitance.”
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter The Survivors- Chapter FourPoints:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,565 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Hi Scribblebug, I'm back again
And when Abbey held out something to chase, he asked "What's that?" You need to put a question mark there instead of that comma. Apart from that I didn't see anything else that needed correcting.
Again a nice chapter and introduction of new characters. I liked it. The layout was better this time, with new paragraphs for each speaker. I think you still need to work on your spelling and grammatical skills though. These are little things, but it would make your work a whole lot easier to read. I'm just going to point out the mistakes I've noticed, and maybe you'll find more once you read it over.
I think this was just a typo, but once there was "a bout" instead of about. And now spelling: "heeled" was put instead of held. "Out" was put when I think you meant our. "to" was often put where too was necessary. Once Abbey said "hu?" when I think that should be huh. And you wrote "one" where I think you meant once.
At one point Abbey said she missed "Momsa" and then you went on to say that hse Always called mum "Mumsa". I think you need to choose which one you mean here so that it can match up
Keep writing! ^^
Deanie x
Crazy here with reviews for the green team~!
As fast as I could make my fingers fly, I looked up on wikki leaks (yeah, its still up and running)
- NEVER do parentheses in your writing. I understand that some writers do this in their work and published it, but it looks completely unprofessional.
"Yes!” The page came up, and Internet shut off. “No!” I slammed my fist against my desk. My second in command, Kayne, came in.
- Readers can easily relate to this, because I have beaten my computer multiple times and screamed at my dog who had nothing to do with it because my computer shut down.
“I made it. In school! Its for you!” I smiled.
- Here, it looks like he is saying that. Put a 'she said' after it, and I also noticed that you have a habit of doing that often. It can get confusing for readers because they are going to have to do a double take because they are not going to know who is talking.
“Did you really!”
- This should have a question mark after it instead of an exclamation mark.
He face looked like it might spit in too.
- You seemed to have switched persons here. Your writing in first person, so keep it consistent. And it wouldn't be 'too' but 'two'.
Abbey climbed up onto my lap, and stroked the picture of out family
- Of out family? I think that was just worded weird or a typo.
“I miss Momsa and Dad.” For some reason, Abbey had always called Mom ‘Mumsa’.
- Here you said 'Momsa' and not 'Mumsa'. And I thought this was kind of funny, because I call my own mom 'Muma'.
“I do to Ab. But they’re still here.”
- Another problem with your to's. It would be a double o 'too' and not 'to'.
“Hu?”
- I think you meant 'huh' here.
I laughed, and pointed to her heart. “Right in there.” She still looked confused, so I gave up on that. “Just, always remember them and love them. That’s all.” She smiled again.
- This is a good point about Abbey. It demonstrates her innocence and youth.
“Well, you should be Kayne! I’m sure it takes so long to style your hair, like rolling out of bed and letting that curly mop just go where ever you want it to!”
- I was very confused here, because I thought Abbey was talking. Then I read the next paragraph and that was that double take I talked about earlier. Start using 'he said, she said' in your writing.
“Kids got some cheek!”
- I think it would be Kid's or Kids'. I'm not 100% on it though.
It was true, my one short cropped hair I had now let grow out to just passed my ears.”
- This is worded weird. And there is an unnecessary " at the end.
But you said you never would, that it was to much of a pain!”
- Yet another to's problem. It would be 'too' and not 'to'.
“Evelyn sent a message. She’d like to meet about maybe joining
forces. Things are getting critical with the STers. Says if we don’t, we may just loose the Northern Colony of Inhabitance.”
- Minor error here. You put a space between 'joining' and 'forces'.
My overall review is pretty good. Despite what is above, it is well written. Although I would really wish to have more CreativiTea in it. You had it going in the beginning, but it was swallowed up by the conversation. Chapter wise, this chapter isn't too significant until the end. It was a little frustrating, because what Kayne said is kind of a big thing. It needs a better follow up or something like, 'Kayne suddenly turned serious, his brow lowering over his eyes and creating wrinkles on his forehead'. Leaving a hook is essential when writing chapters like this, but it would be better if you exponentially gave intensity instead of just throwing a line in there and hoping to hook some readers.