The Survivors- Chapter 2

by ScribbleBug

Published April 22, 2013

12+

In The Survivors

Chapter 2

~Harper~

As soon as I left Evelyn’s office, I started to complain. “Why do we have to do this? We aren’t trained scouters.”

Charlie looked at me. “Stop complaining Harper! They don’t have anyone else to do it. Now where’s David again?”

            “Dunno, room 2B.”

            “Well, which wing? 2B wing 1? 2B wing 2?”

            “Wing 1 2B quadrant 1. Didn’t you listen?”

            “Course. I just wanted to make sure you did.” Charlie winked at me. “Come on, we need to get going.” I turned and started walking down the hall. “Harper,” Charlie called.

            “What?” I tuned to face her. “It’s the other way.” She snickered as I turned on my heel and walked in the opposite direction. Even though Charlie and I act like sisters, we couldn’t look more different. She’s tall with blond hair and blue eyes. I’m small with coffee skin, brown hair and, hazel eyes. “Why is this place so confusing?” I muttered aloud. Our main headquarters was made of one central building, with four long corridors called quadrants. The quadrants are positioned on each side of the square, and off of each quadrant there are 10 wings. Each wing has any number of rooms. In the central Square, there are four rooms. IN the very center of Headquarters is Evelyn’s office,  a huge room covered in steel plating. In the bottom right corner is the hospital, bottom left is the Cafeteria, and top left is the Vice Leader’s office. So, in a grand total, that’s 1 central, four quadrants, forty wings, and probably five hundred rooms. And that’s the topside. Below is almost the same layout, but with a bigger central square, smaller quadrants, and no wings.  But it isn’t to confusing to know which side your talking about, top or bottom, because all that’s on the bottom is the training room and artillery and weapon making and testing room in the central, and the only thing in the quadrants are bunks.  Thank goodness. I couldn’t handle two topsides.

            “This didn’t take long at all,” when we finally got to the right room.

            “Shut up Harper.” When we enterd the room, David was sitting in the back, working on a machine. We had to shout his name before he responded. “Alright, bundle up. Its cold out there.” David pointed to the thermometer. “What! No! I am not going out in -4 degree weather! I’m from Florida!” Charlie grabbed my arm and pulled me to the side. 

            “I don’t care if its 40 or negative 40, get your butt out there!” I rolled my eyes.

            “Fine. But those hovercrafts better have seat warmers!” Of course, they didn’t. The hovercrafts looked a lot like jet skis. They were propelled by air being pushed down at an extremely high velocity. They were pretty fast, but not all that comfortable. I shifted my bum on the seat of the hovercraft and sped up. “We’re almost to our border!” David called over the low drone of the HC. The tall, fur and oak forests spread out to one side, and a large snowy field to the other.

“Stop! No further!” David cut his engine and fell to the ground.

“We really need to figure out how do a better landing,” David said as he got up, rubbing his behind. 

“Alright, Charlene, go along the western area. Harper, southern, I’ll take northern.” Charlie scowled. She hated being called Charlene, her real name. We all made the mistake of calling her Charlene once, but unless you want to end up laying on your back with her boot on you face, a gun at your thought, and the breath knocked out of you, you’ll call her Charlie.

            “Go you two!” David shoed us away, and in response, of course, I scowled.   

~~~~

I sat on the ground, picking snow clovers (little white clovers that grow in the snow) and weaving them into daisy hats! No, not really, I was just plucking them and pulling the leaves off. “Urg! This is so boring!” I fell back in the snow, making a depressed snow angel. I checked my watch. 2:32. One minute after I checked it the last time. 2:32.43. 15 seconds after I checked it last time. “I’m going to murdur something for entertainment!” I yelled, causing the few birds to fly away. “Cool, they know English.”  Then came the throwing rocks at bushes and seeing if anything came out of them. The first one, a few bugs and a bird. Second one, a duck and a raccoon who hissed at me. I hissed back. I got bored with that, so I drew pictures in the snow. Fantastical drawings of me throwing rocks at bushes. Happy, happy, joy, joy, perfectly normal thoughts for a fifteen year old! I smiled, thoroughly enjoying my weirdness. Then I heard a low drone, like hovercrafts, or bees, a swarm of them. I think that’s what I’ll start calling my hovercrafts. Any way, I heard the buzzing noise. “What is that,” I asked the wind. Sadly, it didn’t answer back. Then I saw the 10 or so southern hovercrafts. No, 10 or so southern bees. “Aw crap,” I said, jumping onto my bee. I speed off in the direction of my fellow men-in-arms. “Bloody southern tribe! Abort!” I screamed. Charlie was the first to hear my amazingly loud shout, and soon we were speeding in David’s direction.  “Where is he? I don’t see his bee!”

“What!?”

“His craft!”

“My what?”

I gave a shriek and almost toppled off my bee. “What did you do that for!?” I yelled at David. He had popped up beside me.  "And how are you so quiet on that thing?”

He glared at me. “Now is not really the time!”

“Now is not really the time to be talking!” Charlie pointed at the Southerners, who were almost on us. “They’re almost on us! “

“No kidding!” Charlie and I said at the same time. Suddenly, she gave a shriek and toppled from the side of her bee. She had been caught with one of the weight arrows that, on impact, release a big weight and drag the person or thing down.  I reached down to grab her, but she had already fallen to far. I started to swoop down and get her, but David grabbed the handlebar of my bee. “No time! Just leave her! She’d understand!” I jerked my bee away. “No way am I leaving my friend to die!” I swooped down and grabbed her arm. I tried to pull her up, but the weight on her leg was getting heavier.

“David’s right! Just go!” She shoved me away, but I looked her right in the eye and said “You’d do the same for me.” And I took a knife and chopped off the weight. Sadly, it took some of her leg with it. She yelled, and grabbed onto me. I hauled her up onto my bee and flew away. But my amazing rescue had given the big nastiness time to catch up. And, of course, because something else has to go wrong, I was tossed off my bee. Probably because they were only meant for one person. “Harper!” “Charlie!” She grabbed my arm but couldn’t haul me up while driving the bee. “David!” She yelled as arrows and bullets and spears were being fired at my person dangling off the bee.  He grabbed my other arm, but also couldn’t pull me up, so I just dangled there, in between the two hovercrafts like a giant puppet.

            “Hey! Guys, I hate to be a bother, but I’m kinda a big dangling target! While you’re at it, you might as well put a big target on my back. That would be less obvious!”

            “Harper! Shut up! Ah!” David yelled as a spear shot him in the arm. He dropped me, and I let out a shriek. “I don’t wanna be a burden, but HEY!

 The yelling of the southerners grew deafening along with the bees buzzing. We raced into the areas around the HQ, yelling our heads off. Soon other warriors from our HQ were coming out on bees, fending off the squad of STers (Southern Tribers). A squad of healers loaded us into gurneys and stared to wheel us into the hospital. The squad of STers, seeing they were out matched, took of in the other direction.

“Cowards,” I muttered. Then I passed out.

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review Review · May 20, 2013

Hi Scribblebug,

I like this story, and I think I could like it even more, if it was more storylike. I think the actions pretty hard to follow. This happening, this happens and then that. I think you need to slow down and describe events in a bit more detail, so that the reader can follow better. Also, towards the beginning, you talked about the layout of the building. It was too much information. I felt like I was being flooded with all this info, (also with the hovercrafts) that I had to memorise instantly! That's not a god feeling for a reader to have. My advice is again, slow down and let the story play. The reader doesn't need to know everything instantly. Sometimes it's best to leave he dangling, guessing a bit as well.

Now for the layout. It's okay, but can be better. Some paragraphs are especially too long, and can be broken down into little ones. One key example of this in the information paragraph about the layout of the building. It looked so big it was off-putting. And also about the layout, there needs to be a new paragraph for every change in speaker. It seems a bit much, but it really makes reading smoother. Apart from those two things, good layout.

Finally some little spelling mistakes. You put "tuned" instead of turned, "to" instead of too, and "murdur" inseatd of murder. And at one point you put "speed" when it needed to be sped. Making those little changes are nitpicks, but makes it easier to read.

In cases of storyline, if the confusion tones down a bit the story's getting good. On to chapter three!

Deanie x

User avatar
davidechoe13
Review
davidechoe13 wrote a review Review · Apr 24, 2013

Hey! I must say this would have been interesting, if i could understand what was going on. Now i have not read the first chapter so maybe thats a little bit of it but really during the action parts it was really hard to follow, what i would recommend is a little more detail, doing that not only makes it a little easier to understand but also helps you feel with the characters, another little side note on the detail would be the cold, it was negative 4 but you only really hinted at it. I didn't feel or think about the cold weather, i just read words on a page. Otherwise good job!

Okay, thanks! I'll work on that. Yeah, you really needed to read the first chapter, because this is kind of a complex storyline, and you will need to read the first chapter to understand it. Thanks for the review!



She conquered her demons and wore her scars like wings.
— Atticus