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Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

Thorns of Destiny - Chapter Four

by ScarlettFire


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

And here's the latest chapter of ToD. Enjoy and whatnot!

Chapter Four - Secrets and Confrontations 

    

The book was old and worn, but Dismas found it fascinating. It seemed to be a collection of myths and legends for a version of the Histories of the Old Kingdoms volume. He sighed and flipped the page, scanning it for anything that jumped out at him. He'd been in the room for hours now, and he was starting to get bored. And hungry. Dismas snapped the book shut and set it aside, glancing towards the door.

    

Arjana should have returned by now. He slipped off the bed and headed for the door, head tilted as if listening for something. The guards were talking in low whispers, and not in a language he understood. Dismas growled and tried to ignore the stinging sensation in his pierced ears. He resisted the urge to touch them. At least his head didn't hurt so much anymore.

    

There was a commotion outside and Dismas retreated from the doors. He heard Arjana speaking to the guards, and faintly Kaheer. The big man sounded angry. Dismas returned to the bed he'd been sitting on and picked up the book, opening it to the page he'd been reading. The doors opened, letting in a flood of noise and distant sunlight before they closed, and it seemed that Arjana had seen him, because there was a long pause before the man moved again. Dismas peeked over the book, watching the man as he crossed to the table.

    

"Something wrong, sir?" he asked, eyes back on the book. There was another pause. He kept his eyes on the words without really reading them. Dismas listened to the clinking of glass on metal, the slosh of liquid in a metal container. He figured it was probably the wine he saw on the table earlier. Dismas kept his smile hidden behind the book.

"Nothing I can't handle," Arjana replied, setting the bottle down. Dismas looked up and was met with a level stare. He lowered the book, suddenly unsure. "You're reading one of my books."

"Yes, sir," he said, picking his words carefully. The few hours he'd spent alone had let his emotions and mind settle. "Was I not supposed to, sir?"

    

Arjana seemed surprised by what he was seeing, but he didn't comment. He just shook his head and turned away, tracing a finger over the spines of books as he did so. Dismas watched him for a long moment, frowning. Arjana sipped his wine, appearing oblivious to him while he searched the books.

"It's fine," the older man finally said, taking a book down off the shelf. He spared Dismas a small look, unsmiling. "You're not supposed to be on my bed, Dismas."

Dismas blinked. It was the first time Arjana had used his name since they met. The older man put his drink down gently and narrowed his eyes. Diana's swallowed shallowly. Something about that look bothered him. 

"Oh."

He scrambled off of the bed, book still in hand. Arjana approached him and took the book off him gently. Dismas had been expecting a blow and had flinched. There was no reaction from the older man as he tucked his book under one arm and peered closely at the title of the one Dismas had been reading. Arjana snorted and snapped the book shut loudly. Dismas cringed away from the noise. Apparently, loud noises still made his head ache. 

"Reading is fine, boy," the old man muttered, turning to put the book back on the shelf. "Being on my bed is not."

    

Dismas watched as Arjana retrieved his book from under his arm and sat down at the table. "Why not, sir?"

    

"Certain....people might get the wrong idea," Arjana told him, opening his book to a page about halfway through. "They might try to take advantage of you, especially considering you're my slave now."

    

Dismas frowned, not quite understanding him. He crossed his arms and stood there awkwardly in the middle of the room. "I don't understand...sir..."

"You will," the old man muttered, "in time." Arjana pointed to a pile of furs and blankets on the floor in the empty corner beside the doors. "You're to sleep there for now, and you're not to leave the room unless I'm with you. Understand?"

    

"I... I think so, sir."

    

Arjana turned towards him, watching him closely. "Is there something you'd like to ask?"

    

Dismas bit his lip. "Uh. So....I shouldn't give people a reason to bother me, sir?"

    

The smile Arjana gave him then could've curdled butter. Dismas snapped his mouth shut and hung his head, peering up at the older from beneath his eyelashes. The smile softened slightly. Dismas didn't like either version of the smile, and he certainly didn't like the idea of people bothering him. He'd pay attention to this particular lesson

    

"You're learning," he was told and Arjana turned back to the book. "That's good. Yes, don't draw attention to yourself and you'll be fine."

    

The dismissal stung, but he hid that behind a blank mask and headed for the bedding that Arjana had pointed him towards. His father wasn't going to come and get him. Arjana had made that clear. That left him two options; run away and find out just how unforgiving a desert could be or stay there, in the city and pay attention. He'd already ruled out running away. Drawing attention to himself was the last thing he wanted to be doing right now.

    

He settled down on the bed, staring up at the fracked stone roof and sighed. It seemed he would be there for a very long time. Absently, he rubbed at one of his pierced ears, hissing when that made them ache more. 

    

"Don't touch your ears," Arjana chided from across the room. "They'll get infected."

    

"Yes, sir," he muttered and forced his hands down onto his chest, interlocking the fingers so he wasn't tempted to scratch and rub again. It was going to be a long night, especially with the renewed aching in his head. It had come back with a vengeance.

    

He woke sometime later to the doors being slammed open. Light poured in, duller than before and clearing the orange-red of sunset. Dismas cringed away from the noise, scrambling into the corner. A man strode into the room, dark hair flying out behind him. There was even an angry look in his eyes when he glanced towards the corner Dismas was supposed to be sleeping in.

    

"Arjana!" he called, turning towards the table. Dismas followed his gaze and found the  old man sitting calmly at the table, still reading the same book as before. He didn't even look up; just sat there and picked up his drink. "What the hell do you think you're doing? He's--"

    

"He is right there, Basir," Arjana pointed out, setting down his drink to point directly at Dismas. He tried not to react to the attention, slouching down in his bedding a little bit. They weren't really paying much attention to him, though. "And I am not discussing this with you right now. Not with the boy in the room."

    

"Then send him out!" Basir, the angry man, shouted, gesturing towards the open doors. He stalked forwards and slammed his hands down on the table, nearly upending Arjana's drink. The old man picked it up right before it would have fallen over. Dismas snorted. "We need to discuss his presence in Tsila's Den."

    

"Bas..."

    

"Don't you 'Bas' me!"

    

Arjana sighed and snapped the book shut. He set both drink and book down, and turned towards the other man. "Fine," he said, then glanced past him to Dismas. He froze, watching them with wary eyes. Arjana's gaze was cold and blank, but not unkind. "Leave us. Stay nearby, boy, or someone else will beat you."

    

Dismas disentangled himself from the blankets and stood. He didn't glare or speak as he left the room. The doors were shut behind him, and Dismas found himself facing a sea of unfamiliar faces. He swallowed and slid to the side, finding a spot on the sandy floor near the wall to wait.


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Sat Mar 26, 2016 10:06 am
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! I saw this lurking at the back of the Green Room and thought I'd come for a quick review! I apologize for not having read the rest of this.

So, overall, I like this. I think the characters are interesting, especially Arjana. Of course, there's always room for improvement!

Something I noticed was that Dismas really isn't reacting to all of this emotionally. Since we're in his viewpoint, we should be hearing his thoughts, but there isn't really much of that going on at all. It feels like he's emotionally numb - well, maybe not quite that, but it feels like he's not thinking very much - and that may be what you intended, but if it's not, remember to go through and always make sure that things relate back to the main character and you take the opportunity to show their thoughts. You do a decent job describing his emotional state just through how you describe his actions, but his specific thoughts are a mystery. I'd especially like to know what he thinks about Arjana.

I didn't really know what to make of Arjana. He seemed really contradictory as a character - I couldn't really tell if he cared about Dismas at all or if he disliked him, as he seemed to swing between being really harsh and somewhat kind a bit too much for me to think he's just having to act harsh. For now, that makes him interesting character, but eventually if he's always inconsistent it will just make him a frustrating character to read about, as you're never sure what he's going to do next.

I think you were going for the "he's harsh but he actually cares at least a little," but the behavior swung around too much for it to quite work.

In general, when he and Arjana were interacting before Basir showed up, there were a few parts where the prose that described what Arjana was doing was a bit awkward/confusing, so watch out for that.

Also, for some reason you have really weird paragraph spacing. Remove those extra spaces if you can - that'll make it a lot easier to read.

That's pretty much all I've got for you now! Good luck with the rest of this novel!




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Sun Feb 28, 2016 7:57 pm
BlueJayWalker10 wrote a review...



Hey, Jay here, your friendly neighborhood critic!
Great job! I love Thorns of Destiny. It's a good book with lots of promise!
There are only a couple notable mistakes in this. Just a few pointers are all that's really needed.

"There was a commotion outside and Dismas retreated from the doors. He heard Arjana speaking to the guards, and faintly Kaheer. The big man sounded angry. Dismas returned to the bed he'd been sitting on and picked up the book, opening it to the page he'd been reading. The doors opened, letting in a flood of noise and distant sunlight before they closed, and it seemed that Arjana had seen him, because there was a long pause before the man moved again. Dismas peeked over the book, watching the man as he crossed to the table."

This just doesn't really flow comfortably. You might want to change it to something more like this:

"There was a commotion outside as Dismas retreated from the doors."
If Dismas had left BECAUSE of the commotion (you didn't say) then perhaps you should say something more like this:
"There was a commotion outside. Dismas retreated from the doors."
Then continuing from that sentence. .
"He heard Arjana speaking to the guards, along with--faintly--Kaheer. The big man sounded angry."
End the paragraph there. I say this a lot: If the thought changes, so should the paragraph!
"Dismas returned to the bed he'd been sitting on and picked up the book, opening it to the page he'd been reading."
"The doors opened, letting in a flood of noise and distant sunlight before they closed. It seemed that Arjana had seen him, as there was a long pause before the man moved again. Dismas peeked over the book, watching the man as he crossed to the table."

Then there's this.
"Diana's swallowed shallowly."
OKAY. I come from a long line of grammar Nazis and my sisters love to judge books. But still, I don't often get worked up over things.
UNLESS IT'S LIKE THIS
WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT SENTENCE MEAN
*Excuse my language*
But seriously. I have absolutely no clue as to what you wanted to say there. Might want to clarify before you continued the thought, or change the sentence.
Or could it have been autocorrect spelling it to Diana's instead of Dismas?
If it was that, I apologize for the outburst. Carry on!

Okay, here's the shtick.
"You will," the old man muttered, "in time."
If you wanted there to be a pause there, you can just put ". . ." instead of adding "the old man muttered." It just makes the sentence awkward. You may like to rephrase it to something more like:
"'You will. . . In time,' the old man muttered."

Great job! Keep writing these great chapters.
-Jay




ScarlettFire says...


Thanks for the review! Yeah, that "Diana's swallowed shallowly" was a typo/autocorrect. I completely missed that. Gah. It was meant to be Dismas. *kicks phone/computer*





Yeah, that's what I figured. My computer doesn't like the word "Dismas" either. Try right-clicking/holding your finger on the word and adding it to your dictionary; might prevent that from happening again.




Go in fear of abstractions.
— Ezra Pound