Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
So, here's the third chapter. Enjoy.
Chapter
Three - A City In The Sands
Dismas
sat huddled in the corner of a wagon, head lowered. After Arjana had
pierced his other ear, he'd been moved to a different wagon. One that
was closed in and had a lock on the door. There were plenty of
windows, if he had to call them anything, but they were barred.
Dismas was pushed up into the corner beside one. By his own choice,
of course. He'd resolved to try and keep his distance from the
others.
The
clanking of a chain made him glance up. One of the boys at the other
end of the wagon had shifted position, causing the chains that hung
down between the cuffs on his wrists to rattle. He was also staring
at Dismas with what Dismas had come to call an unsettling look. He
didn't quite know what the other boy wanted, and he didn't quite care
to know, either.
He
turned his head towards the barred window on his right, catching a
glimpse of blue sky and very little else. Dismas had nearly thrown up
more than once thanks to the rocking of the wagon, though that had
subsided recently. He was vaguely glad for it, even if he felt hollow
and abandoned. Arjana had merely pierced his ears, clapped chains on
him and thrown him in with this lot. He'd moved to the other end of
the wagon so he wouldn't be tempted to try and escaped out through
the heavily barred door that was not quite opposite him.
"Hey
you," a voice called out. Dismas flicked his gaze to his left,
taking in the ten or so boys sitting in the wagon with him. The boy
at the other end jerked his chin up. "Yeah, you."
Great,
he thought, already getting
attention I don't need. Dismas
turned his gaze back to the window. The movement was met with a
frustrated noise, and Dismas exhaled.
"What
do you want?" Dismas said, raising his voice so the boy would
hear him but not enough to attract the attention of the man who sat
at the front of the wagon. He kept his gaze firmly on the window,
trying not to let anything show on his face.
"I
hear you're a spoiled little rich brat," the other boy said, an
obvious sneer in his voice. "What did Daddy do that he had to
sell his little boy, huh?"
That
had him tensing up. This boy couldn't have overheard much, could he?
After all, he'd probably been chained up in the wagon for longer than
Dismas had been. Days, most likely. Whereas Dismas had only been
there a few hours. He glanced towards the other boy and raised an
eyebrow, just as Arjana had done to him.
"What
if I said I killed that spoiled little rich boy?" he queried,
finding a sick satisfaction in making the older boy's face turn
white. He smirked and turned back to the window. Hopefully, that
would shut the boy up and he wouldn't bother Dismas again. Just to
make sure, he added, "You should have seen his face."
The
other boy snorted. "You're a sick little shit, you know that?"
Dismas
didn't bothered looking away from the window. "So I've been
told," he replied. It was a lie, but the other boy didn't need
to know that. He licked his lips. They were dry, cracked. Dismas
inhaled, held it for a second and exhaled, trying to ignore the
stench of unwashed bodies and bodily fluids.
The
boy fell silent, and he was glad for it. Although, he kept shifting
about and rattling his chains. Now that
part was annoying. Of course, it wasn't too long after that that a
call went up and the wagon jolted to a halt with a harsh jerk. It
nearly threw him forwards, but Dismas grabbed onto a bar at the last
second, keeping himself upright. Well, as upright as he could be in
such a low-roofed wagon.
"Alright,
ya manky little bastards," someone shouted from outside. Dismas
vaguely recalled Kaheer's voice, a faint sound from when he was
shocked about his ear being pierced. So Kaheer was in charge of
Arjana's slaves? That would make sense. "Get those asses out
here!"
Dismas
looked towards the door. There was the rattle of many keys and the
metal-on-metal sound of a key going into the lock. He couldn't quite
see much beyond all the boys now crouching or kneeling up since they
blocked off his view of the door, but he could hear what was going
on, at least.
They
were being let out.
He
waited until all the other boys has scrambled out, pushing and
shoving each other to try and be first past the door. Finally,
though, he was the last one in the wagon. Dismas shuffled towards the
other end slowly, eyeing the crowd of boys standing with their backs
to him. Except one. The one who'd spoken to him before. He ignored
him, sparing Kaheer a dark look as he climbed out of the wagon.
Arjana
stood before them with another man, another stranger. Dismas watched
the pair carefully, watched how they spoke to each other and
interacted. Clearly, this other man was the one who was responsible
for the slaves. And, apparently, just because Arjana had stolen him,
it didn't mean he owned him. Yet, that was.
As
Dismas moved to join the other boys, now triple what he'd counted in
the wagon, Arjana caught his eye. Obviously, there had been more than
one wagon full of slaves. He stopped short, staring back at the man,
meeting his dark eyes. Arjana's narrowed and Dismas lowered his gaze.
He was clearly letting him know that yes, he might be owned, but that
didn't mean he was going to be pushed around.
"This
is the one you wanted, eh?" the man beside Arjana asked,
dragging the man's attention away from Dismas. He watched them from
before lowered eyelids, heading over to join the other boys only to
have Kaheer grab his arm and haul him over towards Arjana and the
stranger. "He's very young."
"He's
also very intelligent," Arjana replied, turning towards them as
Kaheer approached. The older man grabbed his chin and forced it up,
turning his face towards the other man. The stranger raised an
eyebrow at the look Dismas gave him. Arjana's fingers tightened on
his chin when he tried to jerk away, holding him in place. "Pretty,
too, don't you think?"
"Aye,
he'll grow up to be a fine young man."
Arjana
chuckled, finally letting go. Dismas jerked his head away from the
man's hand. Kaheer held him still when he trying to move away,
forcing him to stand beside Arjana. "So, what you do think?"
"Aye,
he's a fine specimen," the other man said, chuckling. "He's
yours. Five hundred gold." Dismas's eyes widened. Five hundred?
The other man shot the other slaves a dark look. "None of this
lot will even come close to that. Three hundred, tops, I think."
"Better
than nothing," Arjana said, tugging a small pouch off the belt
he wore. Dismas watched him toss it to the other man who threw it up
and caught it. He grinned.
"Good
find," he said, nodding to Dismas. Arjana laughed and turned
away, jerking his head towards Kaheer and Dismas. The burly man
wrestled Dismas around, growling at him when he resisted.
"Let's
go."
Dismas
jerked to a stop, staring up at the stone walls that stood before
him, a large wooden gate stood open just in front of the wagons. He
hadn't even realised there weren't out of the desert. A glance back
over his shoulder showed him they were. He blinked, taking in the
sandy stone and the dark, somewhat sun-bleached wood that contrasted
with the sky and the sand. They were still in the desert. What had
Arjana said? 'A city in the sands', wasn't it? Well, he certainly
hadn't been lying.
"Slave
boy," Arjana said, startling him. Dismas dropped his eyes and
let Kaheer pull him towards the gates. The slaver started up in a
different language behind them, clearly ordering the boys to
move--judging by the tone of his voice that was. "Kaheer, take
him to my rooms. I'll be there in a few minutes."
"Yes,
sir," Kaheer grunted, turned Dismas off the path. They watched
Arjana disapear into a dark doorway before the burly man exhaled.
"This way." He manhandled Dismas until the boy was facing
the other way.
Dismas
let Kaheer drag him through the city. Wood and fabric made up a
majority of the homes--tents and wooden structures. All of them were
in various shades of red and yellow. Stone made up the rest. He took
it all in through lowered eyelashes. Arjana hadn't been lying; this
was a city. In the middle of the desert. Dismas was in awe, though
still unsure. What did he plan to do with Dimas mas now?
Kaheer maneuvered him to the right and
then to the left are several minutes. A set of double doors blocked
their path. Dismas watched as the man who'd been standing off to the
side moved to open the doors. He realised the man was a guard. Kaheer
pushed him through them, hand firmly on the back of his neck as he
marched Dismas through the large room beyond.
He
only stopped when he was in front of another set of double doors.
This time, there were two men standing guard. Dismas watched the
guards open the doors. Kaheer shoved him through them and stepped
into the doorway, blocking Dismas's only path in or out.
"Stay
here," he said, command coating his voice. "Don't try to
leave; don't try to run. You won't get far, and these two will stop
you." He glared down at Dismas, who stared up at him defiantly.
Kaheer smirked, smugness oozing off him. "They have orders to
beat you."
With
that, Kaheer retreated and the doors were closed, leaving Dismas
alone in what was clearly Arjana's room. He glared at the doors for a
minute before sighing and turning to face the room. It seemed he was
stuck here until Arjana came back. He might as well make the best of
it. So he snooped.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hi, steampowered here for a review!

First of all, I’ll try and give you some more constructive feedback on the actual plot, character and pacing, and avoid the nitpicks. This might be quite a short review, but hopefully it’ll be helpful.
To answer your concerns, I think Dismas has stayed in character. He’s definitely still the same obnoxious, spoilt prince – although I get the feeling it’s very slightly beginning to shift towards him being a more likeable character. As for the pacing, I like the way it’s going at the moment – it’s not too slow-paced, but it’s not too brief either. I didn’t really notice anything that interfered with the flow of the story; I like your storytelling style, and the way you write.
The only thing I might suggest is that perhaps a bit of world building might be nice. I still don’t really know much about this world, and while this isn’t really detrimental to the story, it might be a nice touch. I’d love to know some more about this world and the people who inhabit it, as well as the culture and perhaps the magic system, if there is one. Just a thought.
I know I said I’d avoid nitpicks, but I just thought I’d point out one thing I noticed:
Apart from that… wow… just… wow. This is getting better and better; I have to admit I got to the end, looked for the next instalment and… realised it wasn’t up yet. I’m really enjoying reading this… if it’s not too much trouble, please, please let me know when the next chapter is up.
Hey ScarlettFire!
Also, how did you come up with the names? They're all really creative! Interesting, not-commonly-used names in stories are a weakness of mine, and it's always fun to hear how authors some up with them. 
I really enjoyed this; Pretzelsing was right about it being suspenseful. As soon as I started reading, I was instantly pulled in and fully absorbed. I loved the storyline, though I haven't read any of the previous chapters. You have a nice writing style!
Okay, down to business. Pretzelsing already covered all of the grammar/spelling mistakes, I think... There isn't much to correct, actually. The only thing I can mention is that you tend to start a lot of paragraphs with dialogue; you do vary it, though... so there really isn't much to criticise!
Um... I suppose that's it. Wonderful job!
Hi Sherri, thanks for the review. Yeah, I was trying to keep readers interested. I'll take that as a thing I did right. XD Names. Ah, yesh. Well, Dismas and Arjana were originally RP-slash-SB characters I had from ages ago. I can't quite remember how I came up with the names, but I probably just found them and liked how they fit my characters? I usually try to find meaningful names that suit my characters. It's usually the first thing I do when writing a novel. And yeah, since these were already fully-formed characters, it was a little easier to write since I knew them better. ^^ Thanks again for the review!
Heya,pretzlesing here for a review,
I am going to tell you that this story was very suspenseful and kept me at the edge of my seat this whole time. Here are my nitpicks and the mistakes that I will point out.
This sentence below doesn't flow well because you repeated Dismas twice.Here is how I would fix it:
Here is another point in this quote:
I think that in a story, a writer shouldn't need to explain himself to the reader, which is what you were doing here. You could just say something like this: Dismas grabbed onto a bar at the last second, keeping himself upright to the best of his ability,as this was a low-roofed wagon (or something like that.) This is a suggestion so you could give or take.
When I read things with a critical eye I sometimes stumble on sentences that have words that just pop out to me. Here is one of those sentences:
Though shouldn't be here because though is often a conjunction to connect two phrases. Here is link that tells you all about that.
This sentence seems weird:
Here in this one sentence you are repeating the word another, unnecessarily. You could just substitute it with: "a stranger." It would sound and look better.
This sentence needs to be edited because it's not understandable:
First of all what threw me off is that you incorrectly spelled realized. And then I think that you should cross out the word there.
This second sentence is a fragment;
I suggest that you place a comma between city and in and make the i lower cased.
I like your last sentence, it makes me want to read more. I would just like to give one tip, before you submit your story to YWS please please edit it thoroughly so that it is easier for us as readers to read. Please try to have at least perfect grammar before you submit.I hope that this review helps and as always I truly encourage you to keep on writing.
-pretzelsing
Thanks for the review. Unfortunately, this wasn't quite the advice I was looking for. I appreciate it, don't get me wrong but it's already stuff I know I need to do or have done. I check everything twice before posting, because I am so paranoid about screwing things up. I'm more concerned about keeping my MC in character and keeping the pacing. Also, if something is written in a way that seems wrong to you, it's probably because it was meant to be like that. I'm sorry some of my sentences are hard for you to read but I promise, I write things the way I do for a reason. Thanks again for the review.