16+ Language Violence

Thorns Of Destiny - Chapter Three

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

So, here's the third chapter. Enjoy.


Chapter Three - A City In The Sands

Dismas sat huddled in the corner of a wagon, head lowered. After Arjana had pierced his other ear, he'd been moved to a different wagon. One that was closed in and had a lock on the door. There were plenty of windows, if he had to call them anything, but they were barred. Dismas was pushed up into the corner beside one. By his own choice, of course. He'd resolved to try and keep his distance from the others.

The clanking of a chain made him glance up. One of the boys at the other end of the wagon had shifted position, causing the chains that hung down between the cuffs on his wrists to rattle. He was also staring at Dismas with what Dismas had come to call an unsettling look. He didn't quite know what the other boy wanted, and he didn't quite care to know, either.

He turned his head towards the barred window on his right, catching a glimpse of blue sky and very little else. Dismas had nearly thrown up more than once thanks to the rocking of the wagon, though that had subsided recently. He was vaguely glad for it, even if he felt hollow and abandoned. Arjana had merely pierced his ears, clapped chains on him and thrown him in with this lot. He'd moved to the other end of the wagon so he wouldn't be tempted to try and escaped out through the heavily barred door that was not quite opposite him.

"Hey you," a voice called out. Dismas flicked his gaze to his left, taking in the ten or so boys sitting in the wagon with him. The boy at the other end jerked his chin up. "Yeah, you."

Great, he thought, already getting attention I don't need. Dismas turned his gaze back to the window. The movement was met with a frustrated noise, and Dismas exhaled.

"What do you want?" Dismas said, raising his voice so the boy would hear him but not enough to attract the attention of the man who sat at the front of the wagon. He kept his gaze firmly on the window, trying not to let anything show on his face.

"I hear you're a spoiled little rich brat," the other boy said, an obvious sneer in his voice. "What did Daddy do that he had to sell his little boy, huh?"

That had him tensing up. This boy couldn't have overheard much, could he? After all, he'd probably been chained up in the wagon for longer than Dismas had been. Days, most likely. Whereas Dismas had only been there a few hours. He glanced towards the other boy and raised an eyebrow, just as Arjana had done to him.

"What if I said I killed that spoiled little rich boy?" he queried, finding a sick satisfaction in making the older boy's face turn white. He smirked and turned back to the window. Hopefully, that would shut the boy up and he wouldn't bother Dismas again. Just to make sure, he added, "You should have seen his face."

The other boy snorted. "You're a sick little shit, you know that?"

Dismas didn't bothered looking away from the window. "So I've been told," he replied. It was a lie, but the other boy didn't need to know that. He licked his lips. They were dry, cracked. Dismas inhaled, held it for a second and exhaled, trying to ignore the stench of unwashed bodies and bodily fluids.

The boy fell silent, and he was glad for it. Although, he kept shifting about and rattling his chains. Now that part was annoying. Of course, it wasn't too long after that that a call went up and the wagon jolted to a halt with a harsh jerk. It nearly threw him forwards, but Dismas grabbed onto a bar at the last second, keeping himself upright. Well, as upright as he could be in such a low-roofed wagon.

"Alright, ya manky little bastards," someone shouted from outside. Dismas vaguely recalled Kaheer's voice, a faint sound from when he was shocked about his ear being pierced. So Kaheer was in charge of Arjana's slaves? That would make sense. "Get those asses out here!"

Dismas looked towards the door. There was the rattle of many keys and the metal-on-metal sound of a key going into the lock. He couldn't quite see much beyond all the boys now crouching or kneeling up since they blocked off his view of the door, but he could hear what was going on, at least.

They were being let out.

He waited until all the other boys has scrambled out, pushing and shoving each other to try and be first past the door. Finally, though, he was the last one in the wagon. Dismas shuffled towards the other end slowly, eyeing the crowd of boys standing with their backs to him. Except one. The one who'd spoken to him before. He ignored him, sparing Kaheer a dark look as he climbed out of the wagon.

Arjana stood before them with another man, another stranger. Dismas watched the pair carefully, watched how they spoke to each other and interacted. Clearly, this other man was the one who was responsible for the slaves. And, apparently, just because Arjana had stolen him, it didn't mean he owned him. Yet, that was.

As Dismas moved to join the other boys, now triple what he'd counted in the wagon, Arjana caught his eye. Obviously, there had been more than one wagon full of slaves. He stopped short, staring back at the man, meeting his dark eyes. Arjana's narrowed and Dismas lowered his gaze. He was clearly letting him know that yes, he might be owned, but that didn't mean he was going to be pushed around.

"This is the one you wanted, eh?" the man beside Arjana asked, dragging the man's attention away from Dismas. He watched them from before lowered eyelids, heading over to join the other boys only to have Kaheer grab his arm and haul him over towards Arjana and the stranger. "He's very young."

"He's also very intelligent," Arjana replied, turning towards them as Kaheer approached. The older man grabbed his chin and forced it up, turning his face towards the other man. The stranger raised an eyebrow at the look Dismas gave him. Arjana's fingers tightened on his chin when he tried to jerk away, holding him in place. "Pretty, too, don't you think?"

"Aye, he'll grow up to be a fine young man."

Arjana chuckled, finally letting go. Dismas jerked his head away from the man's hand. Kaheer held him still when he trying to move away, forcing him to stand beside Arjana. "So, what you do think?"

"Aye, he's a fine specimen," the other man said, chuckling. "He's yours. Five hundred gold." Dismas's eyes widened. Five hundred? The other man shot the other slaves a dark look. "None of this lot will even come close to that. Three hundred, tops, I think."

"Better than nothing," Arjana said, tugging a small pouch off the belt he wore. Dismas watched him toss it to the other man who threw it up and caught it. He grinned.

"Good find," he said, nodding to Dismas. Arjana laughed and turned away, jerking his head towards Kaheer and Dismas. The burly man wrestled Dismas around, growling at him when he resisted.

"Let's go."

Dismas jerked to a stop, staring up at the stone walls that stood before him, a large wooden gate stood open just in front of the wagons. He hadn't even realised there weren't out of the desert. A glance back over his shoulder showed him they were. He blinked, taking in the sandy stone and the dark, somewhat sun-bleached wood that contrasted with the sky and the sand. They were still in the desert. What had Arjana said? 'A city in the sands', wasn't it? Well, he certainly hadn't been lying.

"Slave boy," Arjana said, startling him. Dismas dropped his eyes and let Kaheer pull him towards the gates. The slaver started up in a different language behind them, clearly ordering the boys to move--judging by the tone of his voice that was. "Kaheer, take him to my rooms. I'll be there in a few minutes."

"Yes, sir," Kaheer grunted, turned Dismas off the path. They watched Arjana disapear into a dark doorway before the burly man exhaled. "This way." He manhandled Dismas until the boy was facing the other way.

Dismas let Kaheer drag him through the city. Wood and fabric made up a majority of the homes--tents and wooden structures. All of them were in various shades of red and yellow. Stone made up the rest. He took it all in through lowered eyelashes. Arjana hadn't been lying; this was a city. In the middle of the desert. Dismas was in awe, though still unsure. What did he plan to do with Dimas mas now?

Kaheer maneuvered him to the right and then to the left are several minutes. A set of double doors blocked their path. Dismas watched as the man who'd been standing off to the side moved to open the doors. He realised the man was a guard. Kaheer pushed him through them, hand firmly on the back of his neck as he marched Dismas through the large room beyond.

He only stopped when he was in front of another set of double doors. This time, there were two men standing guard. Dismas watched the guards open the doors. Kaheer shoved him through them and stepped into the doorway, blocking Dismas's only path in or out.

"Stay here," he said, command coating his voice. "Don't try to leave; don't try to run. You won't get far, and these two will stop you." He glared down at Dismas, who stared up at him defiantly. Kaheer smirked, smugness oozing off him. "They have orders to beat you."

With that, Kaheer retreated and the doors were closed, leaving Dismas alone in what was clearly Arjana's room. He glared at the doors for a minute before sighing and turning to face the room. It seemed he was stuck here until Arjana came back. He might as well make the best of it. So he snooped.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
steampowered
Review

Hi, steampowered here for a review!

First of all, I’ll try and give you some more constructive feedback on the actual plot, character and pacing, and avoid the nitpicks. This might be quite a short review, but hopefully it’ll be helpful.

To answer your concerns, I think Dismas has stayed in character. He’s definitely still the same obnoxious, spoilt prince – although I get the feeling it’s very slightly beginning to shift towards him being a more likeable character. As for the pacing, I like the way it’s going at the moment – it’s not too slow-paced, but it’s not too brief either. I didn’t really notice anything that interfered with the flow of the story; I like your storytelling style, and the way you write.

The only thing I might suggest is that perhaps a bit of world building might be nice. I still don’t really know much about this world, and while this isn’t really detrimental to the story, it might be a nice touch. I’d love to know some more about this world and the people who inhabit it, as well as the culture and perhaps the magic system, if there is one. Just a thought. :)

I know I said I’d avoid nitpicks, but I just thought I’d point out one thing I noticed:

What did he plan to do with Dimas mas now?


Apart from that… wow… just… wow. This is getting better and better; I have to admit I got to the end, looked for the next instalment and… realised it wasn’t up yet. I’m really enjoying reading this… if it’s not too much trouble, please, please let me know when the next chapter is up. :)

User avatar
Sherri
Review
Sherri wrote a review · Sun Jan 25, 2015 5:28 pm

Hey ScarlettFire! :D
I really enjoyed this; Pretzelsing was right about it being suspenseful. As soon as I started reading, I was instantly pulled in and fully absorbed. I loved the storyline, though I haven't read any of the previous chapters. You have a nice writing style! :D Also, how did you come up with the names? They're all really creative! Interesting, not-commonly-used names in stories are a weakness of mine, and it's always fun to hear how authors some up with them.
Okay, down to business. Pretzelsing already covered all of the grammar/spelling mistakes, I think... There isn't much to correct, actually. The only thing I can mention is that you tend to start a lot of paragraphs with dialogue; you do vary it, though... so there really isn't much to criticise!
Um... I suppose that's it. Wonderful job! :D

Hi Sherri, thanks for the review. Yeah, I was trying to keep readers interested. I'll take that as a thing I did right. XD Names. Ah, yesh. Well, Dismas and Arjana were originally RP-slash-SB characters I had from ages ago. I can't quite remember how I came up with the names, but I probably just found them and liked how they fit my characters? I usually try to find meaningful names that suit my characters. It's usually the first thing I do when writing a novel. And yeah, since these were already fully-formed characters, it was a little easier to write since I knew them better. ^^ Thanks again for the review!

User avatar
Pretzelstick
Review

Heya,pretzlesing here for a review,

I am going to tell you that this story was very suspenseful and kept me at the edge of my seat this whole time. Here are my nitpicks and the mistakes that I will point out.

This sentence below doesn't flow well because you repeated Dismas twice.Here is how I would fix it:

He was also staring at Dismas with whatDismashe had come to call an unsettling look.


Here is another point in this quote:

but Dismas grabbed onto a bar at the last second, keeping himself upright. Well, as upright as he could be in such a low-roofed wagon.


I think that in a story, a writer shouldn't need to explain himself to the reader, which is what you were doing here. You could just say something like this: Dismas grabbed onto a bar at the last second, keeping himself upright to the best of his ability,as this was a low-roofed wagon (or something like that.) This is a suggestion so you could give or take.

When I read things with a critical eye I sometimes stumble on sentences that have words that just pop out to me. Here is one of those sentences:

Finally, though, he was the last one in the wagon.


Though shouldn't be here because though is often a conjunction to connect two phrases. Here is link that tells you all about that.

This sentence seems weird:

Arjana stood before them with another man, another stranger.


Here in this one sentence you are repeating the word another, unnecessarily. You could just substitute it with: "a stranger." It would sound and look better.

This sentence needs to be edited because it's not understandable:

He hadn't even realisedrealized therethey weren't out of the desert.


First of all what threw me off is that you incorrectly spelled realized. And then I think that you should cross out the word there.

This second sentence is a fragment;

Arjana hadn't been lying; this was a city. In the middle of the desert.


I suggest that you place a comma between city and in and make the i lower cased.

I like your last sentence, it makes me want to read more. I would just like to give one tip, before you submit your story to YWS please please edit it thoroughly so that it is easier for us as readers to read. Please try to have at least perfect grammar before you submit.I hope that this review helps and as always I truly encourage you to keep on writing.

-pretzelsing

Thanks for the review. Unfortunately, this wasn't quite the advice I was looking for. I appreciate it, don't get me wrong but it's already stuff I know I need to do or have done. I check everything twice before posting, because I am so paranoid about screwing things up. I'm more concerned about keeping my MC in character and keeping the pacing. Also, if something is written in a way that seems wrong to you, it's probably because it was meant to be like that. I'm sorry some of my sentences are hard for you to read but I promise, I write things the way I do for a reason. Thanks again for the review.



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