Thorns Of Destiny - Chapter One

by ScarlettFire

Published January 16, 2015

16+ Violence

In Thorns of Destiny

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

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So, you might have seen me talking about a Dismas thing on my wall recently. You might not have. Here it is. Enjoy~


Chapter One - The Anshar Legacy

Standing outside his father’s study was beginning to feel like a chore. He’d been here for over an hour already, listening to his father yell at the stranger who had shown up outside the Manor earlier that evening. He wasn’t sure what they were saying. His father wasn’t speaking Ansharian, and neither was the stranger. Whatever the language, it was foreign to Dismas, and it confused him. He’d never liked it when his father had strangers in the house, especially when they gave his mother or one of his siblings those looks of theirs. He didn’t understand the looks; he never had. He wasn't sure he wanted to, either.

“Dismas?” He glanced up at the sound of his father’s voice, cut through by the sound of the door hinges squeaking. The study was semi-dark behind his father's silhouette. “Can you come here, please?”

He hesitated, staring up at his father’s face through the gap between door and doorframe. His father look worried, his eyes tired and stress lining his mouth. Dismas had never realised how utterly worn his father looked until just this moment. “Father?” he asked, still hesitant to move. “Is something wrong?”

“Come here, Dismas,” his father said, turning away from the door. Dismas watched the older man disappear into the faintly lit study with a dawning sense of horror, and of dread. What had his father done? As the eldest, Dismas would take over the Ansharian Throne if anything happened to his father, but this was different. It felt different. Something was definitely wrong here. “Now, please.”

“Yes, Father,” Dismas muttered and forced himself to move, to follow the older man into the study. Finally, he was going to get some answers about the stranger. He closed the door behind him like a good little boy and turned to face his father and the stranger. Before he could registered anything, a voice startled him.

“This is him?”

Dismas froze, staring at the stranger who lounged in front of the fireplace. His father was standing off to one side--the side closest to the door, as a matter of fact. He did not look at Dismas, nor did he seem to acknowledge he was there.

“Yes,” his father said, eyes downcast. The stranger stepped away from the fire, turning towards where Dismas stood. “Dismas, please behave for this man.” Dismas’s gaze flickered to his father, and he watched as the man turned to head for the door, pausing beside him. “Trust me, this is in your best interests.”

“Father?” he asked, turning towards the man in question, but the older man was already gone, door clicking shut soundly behind him. The sight of watching the door close had barely registered. A moment later, Dismas heard the lock engage--from the outside. His father had left him alone with this stranger? Had locked the door? What was going on here? Dismas whirled towards the door, suddenly angry. “Father! What have you done?!” Dismas reached the door in three strides and pounded against it, tears welling up but not falling--not just yet. “Father, come back here!”

“It’s no use.”

For a moment, Dismas had forgotten about the stranger, but now he remembered him with a burst of anger. He turned around, anger forgotten as fast as it had been remembered. It put the locked door at his back, meaning he had nowhere to go but towards the older man. “What do you mean by that?” he demanded, taking in the stranger. The man wore robes that reminded him vaguely of the desert merchants he sometimes saw his father speaking to. They were the colour of the sand he’d been given when he was younger; sand trapped in a bottle with a glass stopper for a lid. The man’s hands were empty. “Why did he leave me here with you?”

The stranger sighed and shifted to the side, moving so that his face was no longer hidden in shadows. “Your father has many reasons,” he said, sizing Dismas up with dark eyes as he took a seat in the chair nearest the fire. “Unfortunately, I cannot tell you all of them.”

This man unnerved him. Dismas didn’t like it, and he wasn’t sure why. The feeling of wrongness intensified. He had to stay calm. Wasn’t that what his father always told him? “What can you tell me, then?”

“That you are in danger,” was the reply, “and I am the salvation your father sought out for you.”

Dismas blinked. It wasn’t the response he’d been expecting, but at least he now had something to go on. The stranger looked away, gaze raking over the room. Dismas followed his lead. His father’s desk, on that desk was a dull letter opener--silver and heavy--sitting beside a small stack of papers and two books. Beside that, some kind of object that Dismas couldn’t quite make out in the light from the fire. Nothing of use there. He could try for the letter opener, but he doubted it would be any use. Beyond that were bookshelves set against the wall, floor to ceiling. None of those would help him, either.

Inevitably, his eyes drifted back to the stranger. “Salvation?” he asked, feeling his stomach drop. Just what kind of ‘salvation’ had his father brought him? “What do you mean by that?”

“My name is Arjana, but you will be calling me ‘Master’ soon enough,” the older man said, rising from his seat. Dismas pushed back against the door, suddenly afraid. The man’s entire demeanour had changed. He was now suddenly a threatening presence on the far side of the room, instead of the calm and rather un-intrusive man he’d been a moment ago. “Don’t fight me, little one, and I won’t have to hurt you any more than I planned to.”

Dismas bristled at ‘little one’ and glared up at the man as he approached. This ‘Arjana’ could go to all the hells the gods had created for all he cared. He was not going to lay a hand on him. Dismas was a prince! No one had the right to threaten him like this man was doing. It was insulting, to even think this man wanted to hurt him.

Arjana sighed. “So you wish to be difficult?” he asked, pausing a few feet away. Dismas stayed by the door, pressed back against it. He was afraid, but he was not going to let that fear show. His father had taught him that. For a moment, he wavered. The same father who had sold him out to this man. Dismas was torn for a brief moment, wanting to trust in his father but also to hate him for what he was doing. In the end, trust won out. “So be it.”

“I am a son of Anshar!” Dismas said, raising his chin and glaring him down defiantly. Scared as he was, it was weak but there was steel beneath that, even if he didn’t know it then. “I will not bow. I will not bend. I will not break.” He took a deep breath and clenched his hands into fists. “Whatever you may do to me, you will not break me, Arjana.”

Arjana’s expression told him the man didn’t like what he was about to do, but would do it anyway. For his sake. Dismas didn’t understand, but he didn’t think he needed to. His father had left him here... The betrayal finally sank in and he realised that his father was no coming back. Anger fled, to be replaced by the dawning terror and the dread sinking down into the pit of his stomach. Arjana’s face betrayed nothing but a strange sort of sadness.

“I am sorry for what I must do now,” he said, one hand disappearing deep into the sleeve of his robe, right down to the elbow or his other arm. That hand reappeared a moment later, holding a small but wicked-looking club. Dismas’s eyes widened but before he could cry out, that club was brought down towards him and everything went black.

Comments & reviews · 9
BlueJayWalker10 wrote a review Review · Feb 6, 2016

Hey! Jay here, your friendly critic!
This is a really good first chapter! Most stories I read I don't even bother to finish the chapter, I'll be honest. (Too many errors or they didn't keep my attention.) But your story is very intriguing! Oh my gosh, especially that name! "Thorns of Destiny." I have no idea why but I LOVE that name. Reminds me of the book my sister is reading, "Pawn of Prophecy." I must say, the one of the keys to making a good story to catch someone's eye is a good name.
I like the air of this. It has that tense, mysterious feeling. The feeling that something might go VERY wrong at any given moment.
I like that air of intensity. Keeps me hooked.
Your ending hook, the one to keep me reading--That was good! Knocking your main character out via terrifying club held by a mysterious stranger whose clearly more skilled/powerful than he's letting on? Perfect!
All in all, there's not much that I want to correct--Except one thing. Descriptions.
I know somewhat what Arjana looks like, but I really only know he's wearing a sand-colored robe. What does the room look like? What does our prince/hero/protagonist, Dismas look like? His father? Is his hair brown? Because I'm imagining him as my default character--Short brown hair, blue eyes, chiseled jaw. Tall, with a good bit of muscle tone--not bulky.
That's about it--keep writing! This is really good.

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Jericho
Review
Jericho wrote a review Review · Feb 13, 2015

Hello;

Firstly, I would like to say that this piece is intriguing. It's interesting, and it makes me want to read more, so I can't say that it doesn't work as a first chapter. However, there are points of critique within the chapter that should be addressed, so you can rebutt and tell me it's there for a reason. ;)

One of the first points I noticed was that you tend to have a lot of syntactic repetition. It's difficult to read through the first paragraph consistently because all of your sentences seem to go subject-verb-object. "He wasn't sure", "His father wasn't speaking", "He'd never liked", "He didn't understand"—a lot of negatives in that repetition, too, which can perhaps make it even more obvious because of the standard way of placing negatives into contractions.

Now, knowing that the character of Dismas is young, I might have been able to forgive this. However, as it is, it's the first paragraph that anyone is ever going to read of this story, and do you really want them thinking that it's just going to be all repetition? I'm a bad critic; I've read ahead, so I know it gets a little better. But that gives you even less excuse for not editing it, tsk tsk, because I know you're better than laundry-list "He did this, then he did that" style sentences.

You also have very... large... paragraph breaks. I don't know if this was because of a simple formatting issue, if this was on purpose, or if you copy/pasted from a source that formats their line breaks even odder than this site does. In any case, it made it a little strange to read, especially when you have such a large break before and after a simple one-line paragraph.

The sight of watching the door close had barely registered.
This sounds awkward. I think it's the repetition of sensory words -- "sight" and "watching" -- in such a short space; perhaps you could edit this so it reads with only one sensory word instead of two, such as "The sight of the door swinging shut" or something like that. Your novel, your decision here.

Arjana’s expression told him the man didn’t like what he was about to do, but would do it anyway. For his sake. Dismas didn’t understand, but he didn’t think he needed to. His father had left him here... The betrayal finally sank in and he realised that his father was no coming back. Anger fled, to be replaced by the dawning terror and the dread sinking down into the pit of his stomach. Arjana’s face betrayed nothing but a strange sort of sadness.
This entire paragraph reads awkwardly to me. You have a lot of ideas that aren't necessarily cohesive in the same place, and they're almost fighting for priority—Arjana's expression! No, the betrayal! No, terror and dread! (which we don't feel; you might want to work on that) And back to Arjana's expression—and the last sentence here might do better at the front of the next paragraph, as it's describing Arjana and adheres more strictly to his actions than to what Dismas is feeling, which seems to be (?) the focus of this paragraph.

Overall, definitely not bad, and I look forward to reading more.

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steampowered
Review
steampowered wrote a review Review · Jan 25, 2015

Hi, steampowered here for a review!

I love fantasy so when I found this chapter, I thought I’d take a look. I certainly wasn’t disappointed! It’s so well-written, and really captivating. While I don’t yet know why Dismas needs “salvation” it’s definitely captured and held my interest, and I’d love to read more of this!

I’m not sure who this Arjana is, although he comes across as being a rather controlling character. However, I didn’t think of Dismas as being his slave, more his… apprentice? This might be totally wrong as it’s just a guess, but maybe Arjana is some kind of wizard?

I wasn’t sure I really liked Dismas; he comes across as being very spoiled and used to getting his own way (although his character is presumably going to change) I’m almost looking forward to seeing how he will react to having to bow down to Arjana…

The other thing I was wondering about was the circumstances in which the king sent for Arjana. From the sounds of things, the king isn’t at all happy to let Dismas go; after all, he does spend an hour shouting at Arjana. Hopefully all will be revealed in future chapters!

Dismas bristled at ‘little one’ and glared up at the man as he approached. This ‘Arjana’ could go to all the hells the gods had created for all he cared. He was not going to lay a hand on him. Dismas was a prince! No one had the right to threaten him like this man was doing. It was insulting, to even think this man wanted to hurt him.


This was the only bit I wasn’t sure about. A minute ago Dismas was afraid, and now he’s angry. The leap of emotion seems a little too sudden to be realistic…

I really liked the cliffhanger at the end of this chapter, and I’m desperate to find out what happens next! I must… read… more… :D

Hi Steam! Thanks for the review. Yeah, Dismas is a bit spoiled. xD I was hoping someone would pick up on that! Apprentice is definitely the word, not that Dismas knows this yet. ;) Arjana isn't really anything like a wizard. I have a lot of future stuff for this written, most of it in co-written RPs or SB posts, so I decided to actually write it all down instead of just little snippets of his life. And here it is; the way it all started. ^^ Yeah Daddy (the king) really did not want to give Dismas up, but it's for a very good reason. Oh, the emotions and stuff. Don't get that wrong. Dismas is still scared, he's just trying to hide it behind anger. I actually thought that wasn't realistic, either, but then I did some thinking and figured maybe it is realistic. I'm glad you liked it! Thanks for the review!

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ThereseCricket
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ThereseCricket commented Comment · Jan 18, 2015

Not here to review, but I'd just like to say that your title reaaally drew me in. It's greaaat. <3

D'awwwe, thank you! I quite like it myself. ^^

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firefly882
Review
firefly882 wrote a review Review · Jan 17, 2015

Hey there ScarlettFire, Firefly here for a review! First off I'd like to say that I thoroughly enjoyed this piece and will definitely be reading more! However, I did have a few nitpicks (otherwise this wouldn't be a review lol), so on to those!

“Dismas?” He glanced up at the sound of his father’s voice, cut through by the sound of the door hinges squeaking. The study was semi-dark behind his father's silhouette. “Can you come here, please?”


I'd suggest getting rid of the comma after "voice" and turning "cut through by" to "cutting through the squeak of the door hinges" to improve the flow of the sentence. Also, I'd replace "semi-dark" with "dimly lit," as it adds more of a sinister feel to the overall impression (which I'm assuming you're going for?).

He hesitated, staring up at his father’s face through the gap between door and doorframe.


You could just end this sentence at "face;" the rest is unnecessary.

“Come here, Dismas,” his father said, turning away from the door. Dismas watched the older man disappear into the faintly lit study with a dawning sense of horror, and of dread. What had his father done? As the eldest, Dismas would take over the Ansharian Throne if anything happened to his father, but this was different. It felt different. Something was definitely wrong here. “Now, please.”


What makes Dismas feel different about this stranger? Why does he think his father's done something? Explore these two things a bit more in depth, perhaps by building on Dismas' sense of dread. Make him lock eyes with his father and see a look that Dismas hasn't seen before, or have his father talk in a tone that Dismas has never heard before. Adding in little elements like that can help capitalize on the MC's fear without it seeming forced or sudden.

Dismas’s gaze flickered to his father, and he watched as the man turned to head for the door, pausing beside him. “Trust me, this is in your best interests.”

“Father?” he asked, turning towards the man in question, but the older man was already gone, door clicking shut soundly behind him.


Another thing I noticed was that you use the word "man" often to describe Dismas' father, which would be fine if the stranger wasn't in the room. If the king has a name then use it, even if we'll never see him again; it'll prevent confusion when there's three men around and you're using a common term to describe one of them.

“My name is Arjana, but you will be calling me ‘Master’ soon enough,”


Alright, so I can buy that his father left his eldest son in the hands of a strange man promising to protect Dismas, but giving him over as a slave? That seems so sudden and...cruel. Why would a father do that to their child without any remorse? And for the stranger to hit Dismas with a club later on? It just seems so sudden and kind of forced. If this Arjana is going to be evil with a plot of his own that's fine, but I'd suggest hiding that fact until their out of the manor. Unless Dismas' father wants his son out of the picture, for unknown reasons? In which case I would suggest hinting at a troubled relationship the two have shared to help smooth the ending over and make the reader go "Ah, that makes sense!"

Overall I really enjoyed this piece, despite my nitpicks mentioned above. As I tell everyone I review, make sure to double-check your grammar for any errors. But other than the things I've mentioned, good job! And good luck with your writing endeavors! :)

Thanks for the review! As I told my betas, it's all for a reason. Which shall be revealed later. And Arjana isn't as cruel as you think he is. Haha, double-checking is why I have betas. ;) Though some things still slip by us all. Thanks again for the review! I hope you'll keep reading!

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FireBird99
Review
FireBird99 wrote a review Review · Jan 16, 2015

Hey! FireBird99 here for a review! Love the novel so far by the way=)

Okay just a few little nitpicks I found. Haha when people review my work I get a TON of those, but there always helpful so here we go.

His father look worried, his eyes


I think you meant looked not look =D


that his father was no coming back


Did you mean not? =P


I wish I could be more helpful but honestly this is a really amazing novel and beyond me to correct. If I did anything I think I learnt more than
helped haha. Keep up the good writing! Its amazing!

FireBird99

Yeah, that's what I meant. I'm afraid I do miss things when doing rough edits before posting. That's why I post it, so you guys find it for me. Thanks, I'm definitely going to keep writing. ^^

You'd better. I love your writing =P



Homo sum, humani nihil a me alienum puto (I am a man, I don't consider anything human foreign to me)
— Terence