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the day i fell in love (or, rather, the night)

by Saruka

i remember the first day i realized i was in love with you. it was at the party, and she pretended to propose to you with a light up ring. i laughed and clapped, but i had a sinking feeling in my stomach. this wasn't quite right. all i wanted was to put my sleeping bag next to yours that night. to chat the night away. we were the last ones up. you showed stuff about this scary video game you liked and i didn't go to sleep scared. i never would have been scared. you were there.

last year was my last year hanging out with you. i tried to make every second with you last. because i was leaving. i might still see you every month or so, but i thought this was going to break us apart. as really good friends. breaking the possibility of something more.

you don't love me back. you like him. but there's no reason you should be in love with me. because i'm too scared to tell you what i feel. if you don't know that i feel this way, why should you reciprocate those feelings? but we weren't broken apart like i thought we would be. we still talk. a lot. and that? that really makes me happy. because even if we were together, i might not feel like i was enough for you. but for now, or forever if i can never get these words out of my mouth to you, i don't care if i'm never your girlfriend and you're never mine. you're one of my best friends. i'm happy- no, amazing- staying right here.

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119 Reviews

Points: 10789
Reviews: 119

Mon Jul 08, 2019 8:49 pm
Clairia says...

why am i like crying tho??? this is so so good!

Saruka says...

akjsfsdkjfhkjdf thank u?? i actually had to write something for my theatre group monologue thing so i just kind of rambled about my crush?? but yeah thanks!!!!

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Points: 739
Reviews: 14

Fri Jan 25, 2019 4:51 pm
Etteim wrote a review...

Hi, Saruka.

This really resonated with me because I went through something similar to this, so each word written made me feel exactly how the main character felt.

I liked how the start of each sentence was not capitalized, it added to the tone and mood of the story. I also noticed the last sentence was captiilized, which I find fitting because it shows that the main characters is finally content and at ease. I do wish there was a bit more, but it's not too short to feel incomplete.


i remember the first day i realized i in love with you.

There should be a 'was' between the 'i' and 'in'.

I'm happy- amazing- staying right here.

I found this last sentence to be a bit awkward to read and lacked flow.

Maybe if it was written: "I'm happy staying right here with you." it would flow better; the 'amazing' in the sentence stuck out like a sore thumb to me.


There wasn't much wrong with this, and I throughly enjoyed it. Nicely done!


Saruka says...

Hi there, and thank you for the review! I didn't even realize that I didn't write the 'was'! I changed up the wording of the last sentence too, do you think it's better?

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Etteim says...

You're welcome! And the last sentence definitely flows better :D.

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162 Reviews

Points: 4265
Reviews: 162

Fri Jan 25, 2019 4:31 pm
FireSpyGirl wrote a review...

Hi there!
Okay, I'm going to jump right into this review!

"last year was my last year officially with you"
This is a little awkward. I would do something like this:

"Last year was officially my last year with you."
It's not much of a change, but it flows smoother.

I like this story. I do think you should add a little more description, a little more feeling to it. I realize that it is supposed to be short, so that's fine. I know that adding description can make stories so long! :)

I hoped this helped some!

Saruka says...

Hi! I revised that sentence, so hopefully it sounds better now. My first paragraph was the one where I really tried to focus on description, telling what happened that night. I did need to make this kind of short, but I'll add in a few more small details if I can. Thanks!

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58 Reviews

Points: 15
Reviews: 58

Fri Jan 25, 2019 3:05 pm
RavenBlack wrote a review...

Hi @Sakura , Rav3nB1ack here!

This was a really beautiful and well written piece about what to me felt like was a self-confession of someone who's in love with someone but can't find the words to admit it to them. I think I enjoyed it so much because it was relatable. I think a lot of can relate to it actually, we've all been in that position.

What I found interesting and what stood out the most to me was the fact that there was no capital letters at the start of a sentence, or at all besides the pronoun: 'I'. To me this was done on purpose, to highlight you as the main character and the sole voice of your piece. It also illustrates your struggle to voice your feelings because most of the time there's a verb next to 'I' that shows it.

"I tried..." "I thought..." "I might..."

This is really creative and well thought out and for me really showed off your inner conflict of choosing to confess your feelings and hiding them.

Overall I really enjoyed reading this!

Keep Writing :D

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