Yesterday I was a dreamer
planning adventure in my pasttime
Lying on my back, looking at the stars
Exploriation prime
-
I stumbled and I fell
But got back up once more
Because I thought that I would never
Find a time not to explore
=
Today I am a stickler
To rules and standards mainstream
Spending hours shoving hangers aside
To only uplift my self-esteem
-
Yanking back my hair
Into buns and knots and braids
Spending time watching makeup tutorials
And watching as my unique fades
=
Tomorrow I will be mature
That it doesn’t matter what others think.
My appearance, goals, opinions, thoughts,
Then will all be in sync.
-
I’ll come out knowing more then;
That you really can’t define me
Play by my own rules today
I won’t be led around blindly.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hey, SarukaTheHuman! ScytheMeister here for a quick review
I loved this poem, especially where you have used Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow to represent the persons out-look and how it changes over time. The one issue with that aspect was the end, however.
I felt that the poem would have had more of an effect if it were structured into different sections: Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow, to keep it organised and direct. The last stanza didn't do that and rather than the repetition having an effect, I felt that it only dragged out the poem. The ideas could have easily been included somewhere else during the poem.
You begin with the line, "Yesterday I was a dreamer" and so, I interpreted the stanza to be about the person's dreams, but the next lines failed to describe that concept.
This line refers to something other than dreams; I believe it implies independence, being free from something. Whilst it may, in some cases, have a connection to dreams, with poetry you need to choose your words wisely, because there is a very small chance to explain what you write, that privilege only really presents itself in longer, more descriptive writing.
I hope some of this helped. Good work!
- ScytheMeister
Hi, dachsie here for a review!
I really liked this poem and how it uses yesterday, tomorrow, and today to represent the past, present, and future. The rhyming was really nice, and I think that it added to the poem, rather than taking away like some poetry has.
There were just a few things I would change.
I wouldn't italicize the word "not" because I feel like it disrupts the flow of the stanza.
I think this should be rephrased to something like, "Then will all be in sync."
I would change the third line to, "I'll play by my own rules today" or "I play by my own rules today".
And lastly, I think some stanzas need a bit more punctuation. Your stanzas that had periods and commas flowed better than the ones without.
That's all I have for the review, but I look forward to reading more of your poetry.
-Dacsie
Hi This is Silberfee here to review your work!
I loved your poem it is simple and yet meaningful.
I loved the introduction of each growth phase paralleling each other in sentence structure:
[quote] Yesterday I am a dreamer [quote] Today I am stickler [ quote]
I would have preferred the third growth phase to parallel the first two instead of writing 'Tomorrow I will emerge knowing better,' you could write 'Tomorrow I will be mature,' so the rhythm stays the same and the parallelism is not diluted .
Also in the final stanza the second to last line is too long and it interrupts the rhythm of the piece [quote] Tomorrow I'll be ready to face the world on my own [ quote] I think it would sound better if you just wrote 'tomorrow I'll be ready to face the world.'
You don't have to listen to me, but either way I'll be looking forward to reading more of your works
Hi Saruka
they were just suggestions.
I really liked your poem! The rhyme scheme works really well - they didn't feel too forced and really made the poem flow beautifully.
Also on structure - I like how you distinguished the time differences between the paragraphs with "=" and otherwise just a dash. That was really clever. I also think that the whole "yesterday", "today" and "tomorrow" idea worked really well. It tied the poem together.
I liked how you didn't rhyme the first and last paragraphs - it emphasized their meaning and made them more poignant.
There's a couple of lines where I thought that there were too many syllables, for example in:
"That I can play by my own rules today" I felt that it didn't fit with the pace of the lines before. There were a couple of similar lines above, but it was less obvious.
I also think that "Find a time to not explore" would be better like: "Find a time not to explore" - switching the "to" and "not around" - just an idea.
Otherwise, I really liked the theme running through - and the progression of your piece.
Feel free not to listen to my ideas
You are a good poet and I really liked reading the poem. Keep writing.
Tick Tock