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Malala

by Saruka


I don’t care If I’m a child

or ‘too young to understand’.

I have a voice as you do, and

I deserve it to be heard.

.

Am I too ‘feminine’ to grasp things?

What does my gender matter?

I tell them my opinion,

yet you’re aghast by what? My hair.

.

Education shouldn’t be different

from one country to another.

Being schooled is necessary

to live a happy life.

.

Trust me, the only one thing

I don’t yet understand

is why someone would shoot a child

for simply having aspirations.


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94 Reviews


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Sun May 07, 2017 5:22 am
deleted868 wrote a review...



Here I am from the request thread, so I hope this review helps!

First off, Malala is such an inspiring person and kudos to her and all of her hardships and you, for drawing needed attention to an amazingly strong woman.

I like this a lot, and the past reviewers seemed to have pointed out some things, but I have a couple of things to go over with you.

I don't think you need the quotation marks around feminine; I don't feel like it adds anything to this poem, but that's most certainly artistic license. The quotes kind of distracted from the rest of the poem, so I thought I'd point it out to you.

"or 'too young to understand'" is a perfectly fine line, but I feel that you're being a little redundant going from "I'm a child" to "'too young'" because those two lines mean pretty much the same thing. I'd rather you change a couple of words in the second line, maybe "or" to "and" or adding a comma at the end of the first line to lead into "too young to understand."

"Too young to understand" doesn't really need to be in quotes either - I think I understand why you would put marks around that, but I don't really think it adds anything, and it also distracted me. If you're unsure of it can stand alone without being referred to as a thought or something of the like, then change a word or two, maybe like "unable to understand" to better fit the poem, if that makes any sense.

Your second stanza is pretty decent as well. I feel like modifying the fourth line, since you go from "them" to "you're" and I felt a little confused by that. Also, I think that if you put a stringer verb in the place of "tell," it could give more emphasis to your point. Plus, you could play off this line with something like "but they're aghast by my hair?" If you were okay with messing with your pattern, d recommend you added a fifth line something along the lines of "Why is my body most important." This is most certainly up to you though, and your vision for this poem.

You're third line is really good, and the only thing I'd say is maybe switching "schooled" for "educated?" I think this flows a little better, but I'm the sure. I'm sure you can experiment with a few different words there.

Lastly, I don't think the "trust me" is necessary, cause I'm not sure what it's meant to do, but that's your style, so that's fine. I think you should change "only one" to either "only" or "one" because they basically mean the same thing, and it's kind of redundant. Also, maybe "I still don't understand" would fit better instead of "I don't yet understand." That last line sounded oddly worded, but it's up to you. And the last two lines are spot-on.

Overall, I really liked this poem and what it signifies. I hope this helped!




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Sat May 06, 2017 10:48 pm
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Sachiko wrote a review...



Hey, Sakura! Sachi here. (Alliteration buddies!) Let's get down to business, ja? I'd also like to mention that everything I say is just my opinion, and you're perfectly free to disregard anything you disagree with. :)

Okay, so right off the bat I'm wondering why you chose to put periods between the stanzas. To me, personally, something like that breaks a poem up into separate components, and I think you would be better served by doing away with them--right now, it makes the poem sound sort of...choppy? And I think omitting them will help your flow.

I don’t care If I’m a child,

Or ‘too young to understand’,

I have a voice as you do and

I’d like to make it heard.


It's difficult to tell with poetry, especially because of all the line breaks, but punctuation is still necessary!

I'm also side-eying the word choice in the last line. I'm wondering if you can sub out "I'd like" for "I deserve", or something more...not forceful, but a little stronger?

What does my gender matter?

Am I too ‘feminine’ to grasp it?

I tell them my opinion,

Yet you’re aghast by what? My hair.


Here I'd recommend flipping lines 1 & 2 for a stronger statement.

Being schooled is necessary


Ordinarily I would recommend changing this to "receiving an education", but you've already used the word education in this stanza so YIKES probably not that. As it stands, there's something slightly awkward about the phrase "being schooled". (Also, missing period at the end of the last line!)

Trust me, the re’s only one thing

That I don’t yet understand

Is why someone would shoot a child

for simply having aspirations


I altered some of the wording in the top line as the wording doesn't jive with the rest of the stanza.(Also missing a period at the end of this last line!)

All in all, this is a lovely, simple poem that just needs a little tweaking. :) Thanks for requesting a review! I hope I was able to help, even if it was just a little bit.

Sachi




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Sat May 06, 2017 12:14 am
SofieR wrote a review...



This is great! I've read a bit of "I Am Malala" and I've seen the "He Named Me Malala" documentary as well, I really think every American kid should read Malala's stuff and learn that story because it all just makes you appreciate living in America and getting a public education that much more. This poem really is such a great tribute. If I'd change anything, it might be the "being learnt is necessary". I don't know, that part just hit my ear wrong. other than that, there really isn't anything else I would change. Great work and keep writing!

- Sofie




Saruka says...


Would you suggest changing 'learnt' to 'schooled'?



SofieR says...


Yes, try that! Good call :)



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Fri May 05, 2017 12:31 pm
Jurelixranoanad wrote a review...



Hi, J here for a review.
I like this poem because Mahala is such inspiring young woman and you really capture that in a short poem. Good job keeping the rhyme flowing yet making it sound effortless to read. This is a small thing, but I am in love with the bullet marks separating the stanzas. I don't really know why it makes it better but I like it!
The last stanza " Trust me, there's only one thing That I don't yet understand Is why someone would shoot a child For having simple aspirations" That part made the whole poem have more meaning and it made it really sound like Mahala was saying it.
Over all this is a great poem that I'm sure people will love.

Good Job and Keep Writing!!




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Fri May 05, 2017 12:25 pm
VegasLights wrote a review...



Hey, Saruka! VegasLights here to give you a review!

I had to read "I am Malala" for school, I know where you are coming from. I thought it was interesting that you chose a particular person and made their life into a poem. I thought this poem was unique, well written, and has that independent feel. One thing I noticed was in stanza 2 when you said grasp, it didn't really make sense. Believe me, I understand I use that word a lot in my poems because it sounds unique. I did love your poem though like I said it was well put together and unique. Sadly, all reviews must come to an end and I hope you have a great day.

xo. VegasLights
(Previously Steam1244)




Saruka says...


I said grasp as it means understand, like 'grasp the concept.' Thanks!



VegasLights says...


Oh thanks, that makes sense!



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Fri May 05, 2017 12:10 pm
BluesClues says...



Malala <3




Saruka says...


I'm doing a project on her for school, and I can relate to her so much (after watching her documentary). I love her :3




Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
— Winston Churchill