napo 3- castle on a hill

Thanks for sharing this poem about a mysterious, confined, harassed and admired woman described as a queen. I like the poem’s imagery of hill, castle, dragons, windows, which serve to create a mysterious mood. The personification of the castle by referring to it as proud is a nice touch. I also like how the mood is deepened by describing the woman in the castle queenly and capable of protecting her kingdom even though she is confined to her castle.

Both queen and castle are described as standing tall though she is a prisoner within it.

Things start to become a little hazy in the middle part where her subjects described as having to turn the other cheek and yet unable to see her true nature. If someone was forcing me constantly to turn the other cheek I would have serious doubts about that person’t good nature. I would feel victimized. Neither would I need to look through her windows to know that she is slapping me around. Yet the poem tells us that those being slapped around that way see her as benevolent.

Very interesting read! Look forward to reading more of your work.


Suggestion:

The poem would have read smoother for me if regular punctation had been used.
I had to stop and restart certain lines several times to read them correctly as part of a sentence which continued below instead of a statement. For example the fourth line isn’t part of the list it follows but I read it that way. Then realized it begins a new sentence. Separating it from the other three by making it part of a new stanza or else capitalization would have avoided that confusion.

the dragons
the monsters
the creatures of fear
the things that you just can’t describe

....hill[,]

....looked upon with awe[.] [promotes clarity]

the village whispers cohere in excitement [....merge in excitement]

The statement that her subjects are forced to turn the other cheek seems out of place.
Since they have to be turning the other cheek, why are they seeing her as a benevolent queen? Why their need to look through windows when they are already aware that she is forcing them to turn the other cheek? Removing that statement would improve the poem considerably by making it less self contradictory.


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Hey, Saru! Here I am!
Well, there isn't much to criticize here. I think this would make a great epic like the Epic of Gilgamesh, so perhaps a future version of this to expand upon the idea would be in order (just as a person who wants to know more about this). My actual criticism would be that the poem lacks a rhythm in the first two stanzas, but that's about it. Not sure how to help you with that.
I really like the line "so she gifts them blissful unknowing" simply because of the wording. Nobody I know uses the word "unknowing" like that. Very good job.
So there's my really short review. Really well done!
Love,
Papa Raven

I really like the deeper meaning of this poem, it has a very nice theme to it. I'm assuming it's about someone who is looked up to who has to keep there feelings locked up so the people who look up to her don't feel upset? However the line
"that what they think may not be quite correct"
doesn't really flow as well as the others. The word correct just doesn't really seem to fit. Now, I am not poet, and I mean no offence but I think
"that she is not what they think"
fits a bit better. Again, I am no poet, but other then that this is a very good poem.

Please feel free to ignore my advice, it is not meant to offend you or hurt you, nor is it meant to make your story seem bad or demean it, however brace yourself for impact regardless of my warning. That said . . .
1. What I liked
I liked how this poem matched the feeling castles have. And I love how you described the queen.

2. Flow and style
Your style was fine however there are a few stanzas that didn't seem right. First off is your first one.

dignified, tall, and proud

stands the castle atop the hill

That would sound better if you left out the and proud. See?

Dignified and tall
stands the castle atop the hill

Then there is this one.

mighty and gorgeous and looked upon with awe
the village whispers cohere in excitement

I would sound better if you left out the and between mighty and gorgeous. Either that or the and before looked.

Next I'd like to tackle this whole set of stanzas.


no one’s ever been inside
or yet even up close, for they know
the glorious queen awaits there inside
she protects the whole kingdom within her confines

First of all those ever and even don't sound right. Don't you think it's better this way?

No one's been inside
nor close to it's mighty walls


Then there is the line about the queen.

The glorious queen awaits there inside

It sounds better with out the there before inside. See for yourself

The glorious queen awaits inside.

See the difference?

Okay apart from those stanzas I think you need to use capitals commas and periods. Okay maybe it's a style but I think it looks better with capitals commas and the rest. But thats just me. Feel free to ignore that bit.

3. Encouragment
Excellent work. I really hope to see more things like this from you. I'm sure others will like this to.

4. Overall
Overall I think this had a nice ancient feel to it. So true to a castle.