Redemption- Chapter

by Sarah12

Published March 2, 2016

12+

In Redemption

Chapter 1

Now

“Sarah, why don’t you head down to Lady Ares’s room and get it ready for her arrival?” Prince Raemonn suggests.

Sarah sighs and sinks into a deep curtsy. “As you wish, Your Highness.” She rises when the prince turns away, and places the flowery wreath she was holding on the table beside her, then turns in a soft rustle of skirts.

The great hall is bustling with servants preparing it for the princess’s arrival. The stone walls are being draped with golden fabric that falls in silky folds to the floor. Ornately designed lanterns are hung from iron hooks bolted to the ceiling. Flowers are strung from the balcony railings high above. Squares of soft, luscious wine-colored carpet are brought in and arranged over the hard stone floors. Long garlands of red and white roses decorate the borders of the huge fireplace. The whole room is absolutely breathtaking, and perfectly reflects the beauty and personality of Lady Ares.

Sarah weaves between groups of decorators are she crosses the hall that leads to Lady Ares’s and Prince Raemonn’s respective chambers. The passage is filled with a suffocating darkness, so Sarah carefully lifts a torch out of its wrought-iron holder. As she walks down the corridor, she lights the torches bolted to the wall, and a soft, flickering glow begins to fill the narrow passage. At the end of the tunnel hangs two curtains; one wine-colored, the other gold.

Sarah pushes the wine-colored curtain aside and steps into the chilly room. As her eyes adjust to the dim lighting, she can see the degree of disorder the room is in.

Rolls of parchment tied with purple ribbon are strewn around the room. The golden sheets tucked into the foot of the bed are thrown back, as if in a hurry. Ink blots stain the surface of an opened roll of parchment that has a soft, white quill resting on it. The letter stamp is stuck to the parchment with a large glob of red wax. The silky curtains hang half-off their long, silver rods. Dresses and other pieces of clothing are thrown about. Torches have been knocked out of their holders. This is not how the princess normally is.

Sarah walks around the room, picking up torches, replacing them in their holders, and lighting them. Her shoes click softly on the floor as she crosses to the bed. Sarah bends down to pick up the pillows that had fallen on the floor. After stacking the pillows at the head of the bed, she unties the knot Lady Ares had tied the sheets it, then wrestles them out from where they were tucked under the mattress. Sarah gathers them in her arms and drops them in a pile just outside of the room. The rolls of parchment she gathers and places them back in the bottom drawer of the writing desk. The parchment is cool and soft under her fingertips. She stands once more and addresses the stamp stuck to the open parchment roll on the desk. Hard wax flakes over her fingers as she pries at the stamp. With a loud rip, the parchment tears in half, despite her efforts to keep from destroying the sheet. She freezes as the other half of the sheet spirals to the floor. That’s when she notices the writing on the back of it. She picks it up and holds it close the flickering light of the torches. The claret ink gives the feel of something important, and threatening. She quickly scans the sheet, trying to decipher the tiny, flowing handwriting. When she decides that she can’t read it, she places it back on the desk. Then she pauses. Lady Ares has a small magnifying glass. Why not use that? She ponders it. If she’s caught looking into the princess’s business, along with using her things to do it, she could get into serious trouble with the king and queen. The prince would sell her out in a heartbeat. But the curiosity and the desire to know why the message was written in red ink burns too brightly inside her to ignore it. She could do it real quick, and nobody would ever know. She could even go into the princess’s closet to do it. No, if the prince came by on his way to his own room and didn’t see her in here, she would still get into trouble when the prince investigates. She would have to do it quickly, right here. Sarah casts a furtive glance over her shoulder at the hallway. Nobody coming.

She quickly pulls open the top drawer of the desk and grabs the magnifying glass. Bringing it level with the piece of parchment, she rapidly begins to read.

I will spare the boy until you get back. I want to see your face when you find his bloody body. But believe me, revenge and justice shall be mine. Make a single move to protect him, and I will kill you too. I will then spare no one. Just because you and he are of royal blood does not mean you are safe from everything, my dear. Watch your back.

Terror fills the young girl’s mind. Someone is going to die. Who? She has to report this. But wait… What had the princess said, before she left on her journey? ‘Don’t tell anyone. I mean anyone. If you do, more innocent lives will come to an end. You will know what I mean when the moment is right.’

But she can’t just ignore it! Someone could die because of her, because she didn’t tell anyone, because she was ignorant enough to blindly follow orders without a thought behind them. She would be to blame for whatever is to come. Death. She would have done nothing to stop it, nothing, nothing, and she would never be able to show her face again, never would she forgive her unforgivable sin, never would she be able to trust her decisions again. But she can’t disobey orders, for she would be shunned, she would be ridiculed and punished with death herself for disobedience, and if nothing ever happened, she would be made out a liar and shut down in the dungeons, starving on the little food she received, and would never again see the light of day. What could she do? She would never be able to do either! To obey or to disobey?

The princess said more innocent lives would come to an end. But why? Who would do this? What did they mean by revenge? And justice? Who is going to die? Who in their right mind would threaten the princess with the death of an innocent? And write it in red ink? Or wait… is that red ink? Or is it… She leans over the parchment, looking closely at the ink. As Sarah moves it closer to her face, a harsh, coppery scent wafts up to her nostrils. Blood.

Sarah leans back dizzily. Her head spins. Blood. The note was written in blood. Who would do that? And who died to give that blood? The princess… What to do now? A death threat written in blood given to a princess who was on complete and total lockdown. They read her mail. How did the note get past the guards? Impossible. Or is it?

If she goes to the king and queen, she would probably be scorned. But both the note and the princess had said not to go to anyone. She’s loyal to the princess. She would have to obey orders.

“Why are you simply standing there? I was under the impression that you were supposed to be cleaning. The room is in such a high state of disarray. What have you been doing in here?” Prince Raemonn’s voice floats to Sarah ears from the hallway.

Sarah jumps with terror. As she spins around to face the prince, she whips her hands behind her back and slowly moves them to put the parchment on the table.

“I was just trying to get this stamp of the parchment. The room was in a lot worse of condition when I first arrived, trust me.” As a result of some miracle, her voice sound steady, strong, and just a little flirtatious.

The prince snorts in disgust, then focuses on her hands. “What are you hiding behind your back?”

“Nothing! It’s just the stamp and parchment I was telling you about.” Now she is starting to panic. Then, she realizes her fatal mistake.

“Is that parchment torn? Where in the world is the other half?” the prince asks with a note of suspicion. Sarah sighs in defeat and brings the other half from out behind her back.

“Here.”

The prince takes it from her outstretched hand and looks at it. Spotting the miniscule writing, he begins to read it. As he does, his face pales. “Who wrote this?”

“I don’t know. I found it on the desk as I was trying to get the stamp off, and when the parchment tore in half, I noticed the writing. I used the magnifying glass to read it, as the red ink alarmed me. The blood. It is written in blood,” Sarah adds as an afterthought. “Before she left, Lady Ares told me not to tell anyone because more innocent lives would come to an end if I did, and that I would understand later. I don’t know if I did the right thing by disobeying orders.”

“You did fine, Sarah. Go rest. You’ve had a shock. I’ll send your sister up to finish this.” Sarah sighs and goes off to do just that, an unsettled feeling deep in her gut.

Comments & reviews · 2
SemperAugustus wrote a review Review · Mar 6, 2016

Hi,

it's a really good start. A conflict is developed in the first chapter which pulls the reader in. In the third paragraph with the description of the great hall, I feel there's a lot of description of the scene. I would try and merge that with Sarah a bit more and try to describe it from her view point. Perhaps she she runs her hands through the fabric, or she smells some of the flowers. Without her actions in between, it seems like paragraph's sole purpose is to describe the hall, which makes it pull away from the story. If you include Sarah's actions, we will also get a sense of who she is. You can show her that she is picky but scanning the ornaments and saying that she finds none of them pleasing, or you can show that she is helpful when a servant drops something and she helps them pick it up (or quite the opposite, she looms over the servant and just walks away). Either way, I feel this provides more depth to the character.
I felt the paragraph of the messy room also had a bit too much description. But here, you weave Sarah's actions into the scene, which I liked.
After she finds the note written in blood, there's a lot of introspection. I think this would be better if this chapter is written in first person. When I read this, I felt a clear difference in the writing style. For me, this stopped the flow of the story.
I also think that the conversation between Sarah and the princes should be longer. You mentioned earlier that it would devastating if someone found out about her reading the note. But later she seems to be just giving in and handing the note over. This would a good time to show how clever Sarah is. Maybe the prince notices that she lied and confronts her in another chapter. I would try to include the resolution to the long build-up of emotion in another chapter. This would also keep the reader reading your story to find how the prince will react once they find out that Sarah lied.

Hope this helped.

P.S. If you have time and could review my prologue, that'd be great.

User avatar
felistia
Review
felistia wrote a review Review · Mar 5, 2016

Hi Sarah12, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day. :D

Story: I am really glad that you decided to throw me right into the main plot of the story and that there was no waiting time. This first chapter had an excellent hook and was very well written. Your story plot sounds interesting and has me exited for the next chapter. :D

Characters: Your characters sound very real and the dialogue is great. Their reactions feel realistic and not forced at all. You described their emotions and movements very well so that I already feel like I know them. Sarah is a great main character and I look forward to seeing how her personality pans out. :D

Description: Your balance of description is great in here. It never feel like too much or to little. You provided me with almost all the senses from sound to smell. I really liked how you included little details like the copper smell of the blood or the rustle of some skirts. It made the story feel very real. I had a clear picture of everything around the characters from the start. The only small problem I have is that you sometimes repeat colours a bit. :D

Small problems: (two curtains; one wine-colored, the other gold. Sarah pushes the wine-colored curtain aside and) Okay so I know that you are trying to put a lot of description, but since you already said wine-colored in the first sentence I would suggest taking out the second one and maybe replace it with old or something. :D

Overall this was a great chapter and I look forward to reading the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night. :D

Your friend, Felistia. :D

P.S could you tell me whenever you post another chapter. :D

Sarah12 replied · Mar 6, 2016

Thanks for the review! I'll let you know when I post the next one, and I'll go back and make edits sometime this weekend. Thanks again!



Don't be pushed around by the fears in your mind. Be led by the dreams in your heart.
— Roy T. Bennett