Prologue
Then
The army stampedes into the small village, and warning bells ring out. The soldiers set fire to buildings after searching them and confiscating all valuables. Women scream as the flames lick their arms, and the shouts of men standing against the soldiers ring out. Children run through the streets, trying desperately to stay ahead of the soldiers. As they go, the army slaughters anyone in the streets; babies, children, and women alike. The men are easily struck down by the silver blades. In front of the army rides the last person the people of the town expect to see: their prince.
Alex grabs the hand of his mother and pulls her out of the way of a collapsing, fiery wall. They race as fast as they can through the back streets and alleyways, trying to get out of the town before it is swallowed in the flames of treachery. They pass burning house after burning house, running frantically as the sound of approaching hoof beats gets closer and closer.
Alex turns his head to glance behind him, and hears a scream. He whips his head back around and sees a flaming beam falling from the top of a tall building, on a course directly for his mother. He pushes her out of the way just in time, but his own leg gets trapped underneath the beam. He screams in pain and terror, his mother’s screams mingling with his own. She tries to pull him out, but she cannot get his body to budge from underneath the heavy beam. She races off, presumably to find help, or to save herself out of pure terror. A man comes sprinting through the alleyway, stopping when he spots Alex.
“Help! I can’t move it!” Alex shouts at him. The man grabs Alex’s arm and pulls. His leg comes free, and the man lifts Alex over his shoulder and resumes his sprint down the alleyway. Alex screams in pain as his injured leg bounces up and down with the man’s steps.
As they run, the man shouts, “Where are your parents?”
Alex tries to answer, but he can’t get his voice to be heard above the screams and flames and stampeding soldiers. He licks his lips and tries again, finally getting an answer out this time. “My mother left after I became trapped, and I have never known my father.”
The man is quiet for a moment, and then says, “Do you know who your father is?”
“No.”
They finally reach the edge of the town, but as soon as they step out from the shelter of the buildings not yet on fire, a tall, slim figure approaches them. As it gets closer, Alex makes out the distinct features of the royal family. The prince.
“How did you get out?” the prince asks sharply. The man stays silent. The prince raises a perfectly sculpted eyebrow. “Well, I shall take care of that dilemma quickly, shall I?”
He pulls his immaculate sword out of the scabbard and, in one quick slice, beheads the kind man. He then turns to Alex. A look of recognition passes over his face, then hesitation. Then he lifts his sword high into the air and impales the boy, killing him instantly. The prince casts one more glance at Alex’s bloody body, and then turns back to his troops and rides away.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
Hey Sarah! Jumpy here :3
Okay, to start off with, this is really clunky. When it comes about creating realistic dialogue it is extremely hard. But thankfully I am here to help!First off,
After I became trapped is a really clunky bit. Try getting rid of it. Now, the reader already knows what happened to the mom. We don't need any explanation and "After I became" sounds like a robot. Try it in a robot voice. See what I mean?
Okaaaayyyyy, where did this come from? I get that the person asked about the parents but this really doesn't belong.
Try putting it in thought.
And Alex had never known his father. His mom would always avoid answering any questions about him whenever Alex asked. This seems a bit more like a logical way of explaining the characters past.
Speaking of the characters past, why do we need to know any of it if you just kill him off as soon as you start the story?
You know what, lets break this into a new thought entirely.
By now we all know of A song of ice and fire. One of the things that those books are renowned for is their fearless murders.
Characters die left and right. But here is a fact, they don't do it straight out the gate. In this prologue it goes like:
Alex: "Hi!"
Evil-prince-guy: "Die!"
Alex: *dies*
You. Can't. Do. That.
Now, let's look at the best known killing in ASoIaF: Ned Stark. In the first book, he seems like the main character, for hundreds of pages they build him up, the make him seem like the center of the story.
Then he dies.
But the reason good old George can do that is because he does it well. You see, in ASoIaF Mr. Martin takes the responsibility of the characters that have died, and weighs the characters that haven't died down with the problems. When Ned Stark died, he left numerous characters with what he was going through on their shoulders.
That is good writing.
But let's face it, neither of us is experienced enough to do that quite yet.
If this scene isn't imperative to your story, than try to start it like Steelheart. Where the main character watches the terror, but doesn't die in it.
Anyway, this was a fun piece. I can't wait to read more. *Sees revised chapter*
Oh, hehe.
*facepalm*
Oops.
Anyway:
Write on!
~ Lord Clickdun ~
Thanks for your review! It actually provided me some things to think about with the revised version. Thanks!
Hi, pretzelsing here to start for a review,
I will try and have a critical eye on your writing. Let's start at the beginning.
I think that this is a great start and has some potential
You have to show, not tell.Here is an article from YWS that explains that more Describe how something happens so that the reader or reviewer could have a very vivid picture in there mind.
Whoa, your story is very fast-paced! It was like riding on a galloping horse. I have to honestly say that I used to and still struggle with it in my writing. I personally like fast-pace stories. I have learned to make my writing longer and tone it down so that is enjoyable for my readers and reviewers. You can have a fast-paced story but in your first chapter, start slow, introduce the characters, and then gradually go quicker if you would like. Vary your pace.
Here is a great article about pace
Okay now technical things:
I think that alike isn't necessary here because it just doesn't flow well with the sentence. I would just get rid of that.
I like this surprise plot twist:
In fact I didn't catch it the first time, when I reread your chapter, I only then caught that the prince was the villain. I have a suggestion, how about if your real prologue is before all of this happened. Just a suggestion but I would like to know why the prince is doing this, what exactly are his motives? You could answer that in your prologue.
Also you could make this whole scene of the prince murdering Alex and the crossbeam falling on Alex way more epic. Use imagery and description, you could write just a couple of paragraphs about both of the topics. This is action is so important so make the moment frozen.
I also noticed that all of your sentences were practically all declarative, and you want your sentences to vary. The 4 Sentence Types – Use Them And Help Your Writing Sing!
The end of your story makes me want to read and know. Overall this story needs a lot of polishing and editing, but it does have potential and it is a cool plotline. I hope that this review helps and I as always encourage to keep on writing!
-pretzelsing
Heyo Sarah, Flite here for a review~
I'm very intrigued by the title by the way, nice choice. So this is a prologue? I hate to break it to you, but it's not really a prologue. It's a common mistake that most writers make and there is an article detailing when a chapter should be a prologue and when it shouldn't. Now that's out of the way, let's have a look at your chapter.
Is this Then referring to a time period? If so, make the text stand out from the rest so we know it's a time indication. Bold, italicize are the most popular options.
What a fierce start to the chapter, your descriptions aren't bad but they don't have any life in them. They're just words that tells us what is going on but it doesn't show us. You have to use your descriptions to create an acute image of what's happening by using the five senses. And at all times, avoid cliches. Terms such as 'flames lick' is over-used, go for something more unique. You've used the term 'ring-out' twice in the paragraph, that's a bit no-no unless it's intended for style. You don't want to use repetition because that gets tiring. Another problem with your first paragraph is that it's incredibly repetitive. You've spent sentences describing the same thing, 'the army is ruthless and will kill anyone' but there are no pictures to back it up. If they're slaughtering everyone, describe the blood that's staining the street red. Describe the never-ending moans and screams that permeates the air, show us don't tell us.
I've noticed that you like to start your paragraphs off with a pronoun, aim to create some variation for the reason I've said above.
Erm, I’m rather dubious with that falling beam. A falling beam from that height is enough to kill anyone if they trapped, leg or no leg. The force the beam gathers as it falls down is immense, and will either crush Alex's legs and kill him. Either way, unless he stays well clear out of it. The chances of him surviving is very slim, the chances him still be so conscious of his pain later on is also very slim. I would consider how logical and realistic an action scene is before writing it. And Alex just left his mother like that....he didn't even try to find her? Either he's a terrible son or they have a terrible relationship. But judging from earlier on in this chapter, that doesn't seem to be the case. So, I think you should work a bit on Alex's reaction to this situation.
The pace of this story is also impossibly fast, to the point where I'm not quite following the events that has happened because they're all so disjointed and short. I would actually work on expanding several of these scenes before progressing. Such as the setting, why the Prince is killing everyone, what world they’re in. The scene between Alex and his mother, and the man before seeing the prince. Another question is why did the prince only kill the man and not Alex, he’s certainly not allowing any survivors so why is he sparing Alex? If there is a reason for that, you need to show it otherwise it makes no sense.
I hope I wasn't too harsh, if you have any questions, please feel free to ask me.
-Flite
The prince did kill Alex, but thank you for all your advice! This helps a lot, and I will be posting the revised version soon. Thank you again!
Oh dear, he did indeed. I take it back then, though my point still stands. What's the point of this chapter then? If the protagonist dies at the end already, unless he's the ancestor of someone else that's going to be introduced in your first chapter.
Alex won't be the main protagonist. This chapter is set in the past. (Spoiler Alert!) Alex comes back later in the story, as a ghost getting revenge on the prince for his death.
Hi Sarah12! Welcome to YWS!
Well, that was certainly a violent beginning! It makes me want to know what on earth is going on, why everything is on fire, why the prince recognised Alex and what that means. To be honest, I was not expecting Alex to get killed. The ones with names rarely do to begin with! So you caught me off-guard there, nice job
I was confused by this exchange. Why does the man ask the question if Alex has just said he doesn't know who his father is? Well, I guess he technically said he has never *known* him and I can kind of see the difference now, but maybe you should try rephrasing this so it doesn't come across as unintentionally comical.
You're doing a pretty good job at writing action scenes! At least I felt like it wasn't too dragging and it kind of kept me on the edge of my seat. However, there's something you may not realise you're doing, which is writing quite a lot of main clauses (especially at the beginning - towards the end this wasn't a problem). You know, like "Women scream. Children run. I try to find a place to hide" kind of stuff. It takes off the flow of the text and makes it a bit uneasy to focus on. You may have chosen to do that for effect, but unfortunately I couldn't get the effect while reading. But you are obviously able to not do this, because you kind of move away from it towards the end.
Exciting start, I wonder what it's all about!
Demeter
x
P.S. Why not see what other people are writing and give them your comments next?