Published May 27, 2008
MNT:Gaiden is based off of TMNT (2003) episode "Same as it Never was." My fanfiction is about what Leo was doing in Japan. The MNT:Gaiden was made by Hoang-Quan Pham "Tigerfog" . Here is the link to her comic.( http://www.obscurezodiac.com/ ) visit it if you're interested. It will probably help ya out in my fanfiction.
Helpful Hint: Leo is much more older- I'd say about in his mid twenties. He is trying to delive a cursed sword back to its owner. Its the reason he is on this journey. Since it made him attack his brothers and kill his master.
Any other questions? Then I'll begin
Prologue:
“You think you can just do what ever the hell ya want!” A man yelled.
It was a member of the local gang. They were really angry towards my family. We had not paid our monthly tax to them, and now they were going to hurt us.
I was hiding in the closet, when they came. My mother had put me in there.
“M-mom.” I whispered.
I was so scared, so afraid to make even the slightest noise. All I could do was watch as they hurt my mom.
One of them pushed my mom to the ground. She was crying just like I was. It hurt so badly, only being a watcher. I knew if I tried to save her, they’d kill me too. My mom told me not to come out of the closet no matter what. If I died she’s never forgive herself.
Looking through a crack I watched my mother sob over the corpse of my father. More tears began to trickle from my blood shot eyes. My father had been tortured for not paying. It made me so angry. Even after they killed him. They defiled his body, making it almost unrecognizable.
Why were they doing this? How could they enjoy this so much- causing people they didn’t even know, so much suffering?
The one in charge began to laugh. “Thought you could deny the White Tiger’s their due?”
He was a short and tubby man, starting to bald. He made me sick. Such a low man- he had no honor.
“M-Mommy what’s happening?”
The voice was a young child’s. I instantly recognized it. It was Tobi- my 4 year-old brother. The bald man smiled. “Oh, what a stupid little kid.”
Two men from the gang walked towards him. “NO!” I screamed.
I rushed out of my hiding place to my little brother- trying to protect him.
I wrapped arms around him, shielding him from the horrid scene. I couldn’t bare to see Tobi look at our dead father.
Something hit the back of my head. It felt like a metal pipe. Dropping to the floor, I released my brother. Leaving him vulnerable. Watching him closely, I saw him run away. One of the men ran after him, and dragged him back.
My head hurt so badly. I couldn’t move, and I could barely see. But unfortunately I could hear- everything.
Tobi’s screamed echoed through out the room. Then there was a whacking sound, and then silence. My mother’s crying voice made me realize what had happened.
Those men had beaten my little defenseless brother to death. I fought, trying to get up. I pushed against the floor, but everything was so dizzy.
The next thing I heard was a gunshot. After that everything was swallowed up by darkness.
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138,357 Literary Works • 672,109 Reviews
Hey!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
Well, this was quite the depressing start to the story. You opened with a gruesome scene and I honestly had not expected all that violence when I first started reading it. I should have guessed though. Being involved with any gang, does not lead to happy endings.
Anyways, let's move on with the review!
Grammatically, I did not come across any major problems. You have introduced a quite fast pace since the introductory line, and you followed through with it till the end. I guess fast pace makes sense for action based stories, but I do feel that you could have taken the time to really explore the scenes. Sometimes, it is better to 'show' and not 'tell'. I am sure you have heard of that expression and it was what was missing from the story. You were being too direct, telling us what to feel and what to think in our face. For example, "Such a low man- he had no honor." - Here you directly tell us what to think of this man, but your readers would appreciate making up their own mind about the characters. We know he is terrible man for all that he is doing to these innocent people; we do not need to hear it from the narrator.
You need to explore the emotions, and add more details to the story. It will help it come alive and make the readers connect with your characters. Otherwise, this will feel like a narration of events and thoughts.
Some other specifics:
The first sentence does not make sense on its own. You do not need that full stop there. Join the two two sentences together and it makes more sense.
The 'screamed' will be 'screams'.
That was the most gruesome sentence I have read in a while.
You have a really great plot here. And some really big emotions and motivations that you can play around with. There is so much potential in this piece that I am interested to see where you go with this.
Keep writing and have a great day!
thanks Maki. hmmmm..... thats weird. Maki is the same name I use on another site. It means Tree, right?
poor Master Splinter.
Well anyways. I spazzed out when I saw Leo pop into the comic (FINALLY). Its going to get more and more interesting from now on.
Did you cry when reading the prologue? I did and so did my sister, mom and brother.
Oh! I've heard of MNT:GAIDEN! Its an awsome fancomic. Tigerfog is such an amazing artist. He's going to be famous. Last I checked LEO! He came back! I frikin screamed and jumped for joy!
Anyways back with the review. ^_^
ummm...... I can't seem to see any major mistakes. Hmmm... I've been gone to long and now I can't get back into the groove of reviewing. Sigh.... sorry Samurai.
I thought this was neat though, and can't wait to read more ^_^