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Amber Eyes

by SamKay


She has those Amber eyes,
Eyes so pretty they could kill a man if they pryed,
But the shine in those eyes doesn't seem real to me,
Something about them is too good to be true and it's been bothering me,
It seems like a disguise and behind it,
It seems she keeps her secrets Archived,
They hide the true state of her soul,
her true soul,
with all the cuts, scars, bruises and holes,
It's been torn apart but somehow it's still whole,
I wish she wouldn't disguise it though,
cause i can't save what i can't see for a moment more,
It's all but clear to me that she's afraid of the sea,
And Darling, i think you know there's a sea of love Inside of me,
She wants to Dive but she can't decide,
Wether she should try to surf the tide or just drown Inside,
Those Amber eyes they've been prying at me,
And the soul behind has been talking to me,
It's saying "I'm scared love But stay a while, The sea inside is one to be mastered still So as i pry just try to stay alive"

-Sameer

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299 Reviews

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Sun Jul 05, 2020 12:13 am
starlitmind wrote a review...



Hey there! Welcome to YWS :D I hope you enjoy it here. If you ever have any questions, feel free to ask!
I really enjoyed reading your poem. It's quite interesting, you've used a rhyme scheme, and I like the font you chose. You did a really nice job here! I have a few things I'd like to point out if you don't mind. These are just suggestions, so if you don't agree, you don't have to listen to me!

The first thing I'd like to mention is stanzas. Right now, your poem is a block of text. Separating your poem into stanzas can make your poem less intimidating and easier to read, so I recommend some stanzas.

The next thing I'd like to mention is your capitalization. I'm confused on the words you chose to capitalize. For example

She has those Amber eyes,


Why did you capitalize "Amber"? There are a few other spots you capitalized a word in the middle of a line, and I've included some below.

It seems she keeps her secrets Archived,


Wether she should try to surf the tide or just drown Inside,


And Darling, i think you know there's a sea of love Inside of me,


I think being consistent in your capitalization is pretty important in poetry, so I'd go back and look at what I wanted to capitalize.

The next thing I'd like to mention is line length.

It's saying "I'm scared love But stay a while, The sea inside is one to be mastered still So as i pry just try to stay alive"


This line is incredibly long, especially compared to your other lines. I almost missed it since I had to scroll over.

her true soul,


And this line is pretty short, especially compared to your others. I think that being consistent in your line length is also pretty important in poetry. I recommend going back and looking at your lines and try to make them more even. It may be a bit harder since you have a rhyme scheme going on, so it's not a big deal if you can't fix it everywhere!

Overall, this is a really nice poem. I enjoyed reading it, and I hope this helped! :)




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Sat Jul 04, 2020 8:47 am
ChrisCalaid wrote a review...



Hi, sam.k. I'm here for a short review.
This really a lovely poem. It's romantic and beautiful in both ways. I truly enjoyed reading this and I think it has a quite intriguing title. I'd like to point a few things out if you don't mind. These are only suggestions so you don't have to read them if you don't want to.

The first thing that caught my eyes was punctuation. In poetry, punctuation is a stylish choice, so you don't have to agree with me. But I think your poem could use some punctuation. You used commas, so I don't think there's a big deal about using periods as well.

"Whether she should try to surf the tide or just drown Inside,"

I was curious about your choice of using a comma when a period would be better to end it. It disrupted the flow a bit for me. If that was your intention, I'm sorry for my misunderstanding.

"It seems she keeps her secrets Archived,"

"Wether she should try to surf the tide or just drown Inside,"

I believe you meant "Whether" instead of "Wether"
Also, these two stanzas contains capitalized word in a sudden without any mention or explanation. I'm questioning that part.

"It's saying "I'm scared love But stay a while, The sea inside is one to be mastered still So as i pry just try to stay alive""

You should capitalize the "i" to "I". This stanza is quite a bit long, I suggest you shorten it up by using the next stanzas to hold them.

Overall, this is really an impressive piece written here.
Keep on writing!

Best wishes,
Your Reviewer, Chris




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Fri Jul 03, 2020 6:48 pm
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Awru wrote a review...



Hey! Awru here to review your work. I really enjoyed reading this piece. It was short and simple and really drove home a warm feeling. I think it was really sweet and soft. Its beauty lies in its simplicity. The way you expressed your emotions that you wanted to help her if only she'ed let you in was really beautiful. Also the mellow development in the relation through out the poem is very wholesome. I also liked the formatting of the poem. Although I think you can play around with the formatting a lot more like using italics to write the stronger words. Maybe throw in some of the Playfair Display font(Its one of my favoourrite fonts. I am obsessed with it)
I have a few nitpicks. Do remember that these are my personal opinion not a line drawn on a rock. Feel free to disregard or take as you feel fit.
First off, you published this in the Art category and it should be in the Poetry category. If you did that bcz you wanted to attach a pic then it is also possible to insert an image there. You just have to click on the icon(on the upper side) that is shaped like a picture of a landscape. That will do the trick.

Eyes so pretty they could kill a man if they pryed,

You dont have to write Eyes again just start from So pretty...
Also at some places the verses were too long and it felt like they should be broken down into smaller ones.
Something about them is too good to be true and it's been bothering me,

Like in this one, I think if you removed the bolded part the poem would be more smooth.
It's saying "I'm scared love But stay a while, The sea inside is one to be mastered still So as i pry just try to stay alive"

Similarly, this one is very long. These lines are very beautifully written but being in one long statement kinda effects that. Maybe break it up like:
I am scared Love,
But stay a while,
The sea inside is still to be mastered,
So as I pry,
Just try to stay alive,
Also you used pry three times in the poem and Pry is almost always a negative connotation. I will advise not to use it in a romantic poem. There are quite some words that can be used instead of it.
Other than that, I would like to talk about the rhyming of the poem. Its rhyming at some points and not rhyming at others. If you were going for a free verse style which is the preferred one in such poems then I'ed say drop the rhyming altogether if it was intentional.
You also didn't capitalize i which is like absolutely holy. Lol
Lastly, overall it was a nice and simple piece that I liked. Hope to read more from you.
Also WELCOME TO YWS SAMEER!! *throws confetti* :D
If you need any help figuring your way here. I'ed be happy to assist.

Keep Up the Excellent Work! :smt023

PEACE OUT



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SamKay says...


Thanks a lot this was actually my first poem so I really appreciate the feedback and criticism



Awru says...


Dont mention it XD.



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Fri Jul 03, 2020 6:32 pm
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JesseWrites wrote a review...



Hello there,

I am just going to go throw some of the stanzas, or well none of them because they aren't separated. Make breaks in the poem if you want it to read well or look neat, it looks so lazy right now and that's not good.

She has those Amber eyes, Amber shouldn't be capitalized.
Eyes so pretty they could kill a man if they pryed, That isn't the right word to use.
But the shine in those eyes doesn't seem real to me, Two 'me' in the same stanza.
Something about them is too good to be true and it's been bothering me,


Oh, a lot to fix here, is this your first poem? It seems like it and if it's not, I think that shows you need to fix some stuff.

It's saying "I'm scared love But stay a while, The sea inside is one to be mastered still So as i pry just try to stay alive"


This line was way too long. It messed with the flow a lot. Maybe go i and break it up into 2 or even 3 more lines. It's longer and longer isn't really a good thing because of how it makes the reader read more.

-Sameer


Are you that person? I would change that to your username as it shows it's your poem and not another person's piece.

Have a good day,
Haley




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Fri Jul 03, 2020 2:09 pm
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thepages wrote a review...



Hi, ths is a nice piece. I relate to the lines but the formating kinda makes it hard. Don't know if it's my mobile having it wrong.
Other than that i really like the descriptions. It's amazing how much floods one's mind when they look straight into a person's eyes...
The self preservation in those amber eyes also is great, on the other hand, at the end where it says "i am scared love..." shows how much we realy on those we trust, the ones we love.nice piece. :-)





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