Published July 18, 2005
1761 (? My math is off, prolly)
***
Churning up rocks and dust along a rutted old post road is a horse, a fresh young bay running at full speed down the path.
The rider is but a boy, short blonde hair whipping out behind him and salty tears running down his freckled, dirt-streaked cheeks.
Both are quite normal; the beast a bit of a spooker; the boy cursed with big feet and a frustratingly undependable voice which squeaks as he shouts at the horse to go faster, faster, spurred heels digging into its thick skin.
Forest on either side of the trail passes and fades away from the boy's vision at a dizzying rate, the wind driving small bits of branches and pebbles at his face as frenzied adrenaline flows through his veins.
A root of substantial size juts from the caked dirt and painfully catches the horse in the leg as he reaches to complete a stride. It stumbles and there is an audible snap as the boy's ankles rip from the stirrups...
As they both fall and hit the earth all dissipates to black.
***
(Very short, I know, but I had to post something)
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141,302 Literary Works • 674,338 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is certainly quite the start there. I have to apologize I haven't run into this earlier section yet, but going just off of this, its a nice introduction to the scene. We get a nice sort of base template to think about in terms of where these people or rather on a more specific note, who these people are since the surrounding scenery is a bit more on the vague side.
So that's intriguing, we're getting a sense that whatever is going on here has a very undeniable sense of urgency tacked onto it and as a result of all that we're then having to witness this person maybe trying to deal with a bit more emotion than they perhaps should be given we got a rather pointed detail on how young this person way. Either way, its making for a very intriguing piece so far.
Well that was an unexpected but also somewhat an inevitable ending there. There was certainly a sense of inevitability about this piece here, and that went exceedingly well with the feeling that these people didn't quite know what they were doing. However the oddly final nature of proceedings there is what really makes me surprised here. But given this isn't a standalone, perhaps there's more than meets the eye here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I liked it. Um on the critting, the only problems i found with it were the same ones that Misty Lynn found. I can't wait to read more to find out what is going to happen on this ride.
Of course it did Mesh! Hehe. (skunk go BOOM!) Thanks for reading...woah...I mean...seriously...
Line breaks are fun!
Yes, this now makes perfect sense, Sam (and thanks for the clarification).
And so you don't forget, it's 1763 (yes, math during summer *gasp*)]
Both are quite normal; the beast a bit of a spooker; the boy cursed with big feet and a frustratingly undependable voice which squeaks as he shouts at the horse to go faster, faster, spurred heels digging into its thick skin
hehe, nice. very true of someone his age, too.
A root of substantial size juts from the caked dirt
wait.. the root just came out of no-where, eh?
MORE! lol
Churning up rocks and dust along a rutted old post road is a horse, a fresh young bay running at full speed down the path. *nice description. Sounds good, flows smoothly*
The rider is but a boy, short blonde hair whipping out behind him and salty tears running down his freckled, dirt-streaked cheeks. *you do love line breaks, don't you? But, nice, it works*
Both are quite normal; the beast a bit of a spooker; the boy cursed with big feet and a frustratingly undependable voice which squeaks as he shouts at the horse to go faster, faster, spurred heels digging into its thick skin. *ok. Nice description. Waiting to see where this is going*
Forest on either side of the trail passes and fades away from the boy's vision at a dizzying rate, the wind driving small bits of branches and pebbles at his face as frenzied adrenaline flows through his veins. *wonderful imagery, but that's basically all I can say. I know EXACTLY what it looks like and how the kid feels*
A root of substantial size juts from the caked dirt and painfully catches the horse in the leg as he reaches to complete a stride. It stumbles and there is an audible snap as the boy's ankles rip from the stirrups... *oi ve! f *sp?* sucks sucks sucks 2 b that boy~*
As they both fall and hit the earth all dissipates to black
Lol, sam you didn't give us much to work with. I have to read more to understand this but I am curious as to where you're taking me. Wherever it is, I'll come along for the ride.
Whoops...I love line breaks, can't you tell?
Er... the sentences should not be put in their own paragraphs all the time. Otherwise it gets annoying and makes the piece stop and go. Remember, in this dramatic piece, it should almost feel as if you were bouncing up and down on a horse. Or... at least that is the effect that seems appropriate in this case.