*waves* Hi, Sam! I bet you've never had a critique like this but I'm going to list your character's traits, which I call Character Analyzing. Basically, I'm going to list what I think your char's traits are, and then you'll see what the reader thinks. This way, you'll know if the character you're trying to build is exactly how you see it, through the reader's eyes.
The boy
-as the story starts, a boy is standing near the ocean
-is poor
-a 'criminal for committing an unspeakable crime' (I wonder what that is?)
-possibly cold or maybe it's relatively warm outside, like mid-spring or summer? (I bring this up because the boy is wearing no shoes, stockings, a cocked hat, and you mention that he pulls two infants tightly against his chest to shield them from the wind, yet the boy isn't shivering or responding to any type of chill. Furthermore, he eventually sits on damp sand, which in normal circumstances, would be pretty chilly if it the setting was approximately late January to mid March. I'm not sure if you live in New England but around those months it's pretty chilly. Mentioning that, I'm going to assume that the month is probably around May to August, where the weather is warmer).
-wearing breeches, no shoes or stockings, just a coat. (Depending how detailed you want the clothing, there other factors you could add to set the tone permanently that we are indeed in the past. It's just some readers might not be familiar with the era you're writing about. So, other options would be a cocked hat, waistcoat, great coat, cravat, laced sleeves, or maybe the boy's carrying a musket for protection? I just thought of these clothing factors off the top of my head, if you decide to expand on the boy's clothing. Although, no ones questioned the time period, but just in case).
-colonial America (time frame - possibly late 17th century to mid 18th century) -(I think, although you might want to research it for certain, that breeches were worn by men in the early 17th century to the early nineteenth century. I'm not positive but it would be worth looking into. I brought it up since it was mentioned. It doesn't necessarily mean the setting is in the 18th century, since breeches were widely in use for a while).
-waiting for a sloop (boy's destination is Boston)
-the traveling plan was set forth by someone else, not the boy specifically
(Ah, so maybe the month isn't in between May and August if the damp sand has chilled the boy. Still, two things: One, why hasn't the boy attempted to build a fire? Surely, the infants would be the first to suffer, since younger kids are more easily affected by the cold. Two, it could be just me, but I'm picturing the boy standing by the ocean in the beginning of the story and sitting on the sand, at night. So, if it is chilly outdoors, maybe you should include in the beginning of the story, the boy wrapped his coat tightly around himself or show he's shivering; something to signal that his lack of clothes aren't shielding him very well).sand underneath him was damp and determined to make him damp as well, and soon he became chilled
-responsible
-resourceful (damps bread in murky water to soften it for infants to eat - like gruel)
-boy feels very ashamed that he's forced to feed unsuitable food to the infant, and therefore cries along with the sobbing infant
-the boy has an imagination (since the boat never came, he thought of an invisible crew)
-slightly insane? (The boy panics because the translucent man sits to take a break, and he's afraid that he'll die from starvation and the invisible crew will feed all three bodies to their translucent dogs. Great imaginary by the way!)
-has divorced parents - father's side; unfaithful Papa (drunk side in general; alcohol is involved) and a deranged uncle who believes he has seven wives, even though they are imaginary. mother's side; poised men and women, which leads me to believe the mother's side is 'well to do' or wealthy).
-divorced parents fight? Maybe that's why the boy is reluctant to return home? (By using messily and scandalously in the same sentence, it only occurred to me. I think scandal means publicly disgracing or damaging one's moral character, so I assume both parents maybe verbally attack each other's values?)
-father is a 'damn sinner' and the boy hates to think he might be one too, but seems he accepted the title anyway
-for some reason the boy can't return to the grand house where Mary lives (I'm guessing Mary is the boy's girlfriend? And that Mary is fairly wealthy since she lives in a 'grand house?')
-still can't think about Mary, without crying; was very close to her
-the two infants are boys
-England? (At the end, you mention London town. So, is the setting indeed London?)
-It's not mentioned but I'm guess the boy's age is 17-18ish.
And that's it!
Like I mentioned before, I really like this story and I feel bad for the boy, which in a way, is unusual. Most times, I have to read further in the story to acknowledge something like that. Still, I think it's neat that you, me and Firestarter all have stories set in the 18th century (assuming yours is too), but totally different backgrounds with the characters. Hope you found this critique useful.
-fishr
Points: 36
Reviews: 362
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