Published February 11, 2005
Your beating heart
A soft, slow thumping that
Never ceases
Your words tickling my ears with
Their calmness, their serenity
A rhythmic cadence of neverending
Happiness
dream...
As we sway back
And forth in the faded crimson chair in a
Comforting motion
I am in strange, foreign place
The faeries lifting me high
I
feel
so
secure
And the winding shrill of a flute far
In the distance leave me
Transfixed
Hypnotized
I close my eyes
siud, siud, eudail leanaban
suid eudail leanaban a aisling...
I don't really like this...the idea of it to me is really cool but i don't know how to put it on paper!
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141,299 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
this great!!
You must have learned what "cadence" meant today...
Anyway, the poem was a huge upgrade in your writing style. You never wrote terrifically horrid, however. I think it is important to note, here, that randomness and spurious poetry is what the definition of poetry is. Poetry is art. Art is beauty. Beauty is subjective. Subjective is random. Whatever invoked this, you did a halfway decent job of composing and articulating yourself. It's remarkable, to me, that you are only 11. Case in point, keep writing, blah blah blah, and all that jazz. But seriously, you're a very talented individual. And oh, by the way, I disliked the poem itself. It was too fluffy for me, but the world is turning emo, and so you'll make money if you keep working on your writing. You remind me of a little girl I once called Lolly. Heh. Anyway, good job.
For some reason, the spreading out of these lines doesn't feel "secure" to me, like I think you are trying to get across in the poem. "Secure" for me is comfort, warmth, coziness, and closeness. I think it's good that the words are on seperate lines, but I don't like the space between them. Does that make sense? Something like this, maybe:
Oh, I don't know. Overall, I liked this poem. It had a dull, lulling effect that I found quite enchanting. Kudos to you!
Title suggestions? Maybe one of the Scottish Gaelic lines that you have at the end. "Suid eudail leanaban a aisling" maybe. Yeah, that sounds kind of nice. But it's whatever you want, of course.
it was, firestarter...
just something I came up with off the top of myhead
To be fair i loved it and for your age it is quite amazing how you write I admire you.
You have so much potentioal ( sorry can't spell today)
Wu x
Yeh, this was sorta dreamy, and drowsy, as Hunter stated.
It wasn't really my sorta of style, and I found the jumpy line structure a bit confusing and random.
In fact, the whole poem was rather random.
Transfixed
Hypnotized
I close my eyes
For some strange reason I started thinking about Muse...which isn't a bad thing considering I love Muse, but the rest of the poem was er...okay. It wasn't really my style, but that doesn't mean everyone else won't like it.[/i]
OOOO....I love the Scottish Gaelic....it sounds so cool out loud!
The p;oem itself does have a really dreamy sound to it....makes me more drowsy than I already am! (in a good way of course)
the language at the end is Scottish Gaelic.
it reads like this (know the grammar's wrong...english word order!)
sleep, sleep my child
slep and dream