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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
In reply to Nova and Snowberry23. I have never been happy with the rhyme of "gems" and "them". I have thought long and hard about that one, but I can't seem to come up with anything better. Does anyone have any ideas?
I felt--how should i describe this--connected to this piece. I honestly loved the overall message and your way of getting to the point--everything.
I do agree with nova though--
I believe the "Gems" and "them" rhyme is to forced and you dont need to be trying so hard.
Overall good job and i cant wait to read more of your pieces!
SnowBerry
It's definentely something most people can relate too, so it got a real good message, and overall I think it was a very good poem. Though I dont understand the thing with "gems" it doesnt seem to fit it. So maybe that is something you could change to make it better.
Anyways, good poem, keep writing and so on... x)
// Hugs and Hearts from Sagaa
Bonjourno, Sage!
Welcome to YWS, and congratulations on posting your first piece!
This poem is really good, usually im not a real big fan of using a continous line at the end of each stanza, but I think you make it work in this one!
Yet theres a certain part which I think your trying to force a rhyme, where doesn't have to be:
The "gems" and "them" seems to not come together, even though it looked liked to tried to rhyme them. Try to concentrate on making the poem flow better, than making the lines rhyme!
Still, this is a really good poem, also, it's really good for a first timer!
Keep on Writing!
(p.s: If you want to get more reviews and to be more known on this humble-abode of a website, go around and do a few reviews!)
Nova!
Hey there, Sage! This is a very nice poem you have. Also--welcome to YWS! I hope you're liking it here. Don't forget, though, that it's better to review at least two other works for each poem you post. It gets your name out there, too, so that's always a good thing, eh?
I agree with what Blackbird said when saying that all of us can relate to this in some way, shape, or form. It's very true. We've all been through that time where we want to become like someone, or some group, to fit into a stereotype, just to be cool! D:
So, the idea behind this poem was very nice. You took the easy route when writing your idea, though. You threw words on a page, but I could not feel much emotion behind those words. And, Sage, I want to feel emotion. I want to read this and be able to step in that person's shoes and feel what they are feeling! But this had no feeling strong enough to pull me in like that, I'm afraid.
Also, remember, everything doesn't have to rhyme, however you pulled off your rhyme scheme very nicely!
Great job; hope this helps!
-Mizz
Hello there Sageleaf and welcome to yws!
Well, I liked the idea of the poem but it was nothing special really. I did not feel enough emotion in the poem. You know, you are talking about 'them', but I do not feel that power behind the words, I do not feel you. I think that you had a promising start with the first stanza, I liked that.
Good job though and I am looking forward to seeing more from you
Ziggie
Hi, Sageleaf! Welcome to YWS.
I really liked the movement of your poem, and how you ended each stanza with the same line, only slightly changed. I also noticed that you used an 'abac' sort of rhyming scheme, except for the third stanza, which didn't have the first and third end words rhyming. I'm not sure if this was intentional, but it did throw me off a bit while I was reading, so you might want to consider revising that bit. Otherwise, the structure was very good. The content was nicely expressed and easy to relate to. Good job!
--Glim
Overall, I enjoyed this poem. The content is haunting and resonant--I believe that everyone can relate to this idea that you have written here, how we all at one time or another want to fit in, to be like the rest, and how it can destroy us. Nice job there. However, at the times the rhyming was a little weak or lazy ("myself" and "enough" stands out, as does rhyming "undone" with "done"). The rhythm, however, is nice and simple. Keep writing!