I don't know if this is the right place to post this...
Here goes!
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Every Little Reminder
I still have every reminder of you.
Every little reminder is packed away. The letters. The jewelry. The Christmas bag the fleece blanket came in, with the crossed out scribbles of writing. The Memories. Each reminder I kept, hoping one day the pain of what you said would fade away.
The pain hasn’t faded. In fact, if anything, it’s increased. Magnified ten fold. Every time I saw you in the hallway with another girl, the pain would return. Do you even understand what I’m talking about? Have you ever experienced this kind of pain? Pain that leaves your mind devoid of thought and emotion. The kind that hits you full in the chest, knocking the breath out of you.
Did you know that I used to dream about you? The one time I could count on the pain checking itself at the door. The one time I could truly tell you how I felt, and not worry about rejection, hurtful words, scathing looks. The only place I could ever count on time truly standing still, where I could be happy, and not have to worry that you would turn your back on me again. Tiny pieces of sanctuary.
But dreams don’t last forever. They fade, with every second the sun takes to climb into the sky, until “Poof!” They’re gone. Then the pain would come back, and I would forget that the dreams had ever even occurred.
Every little reminder of you brings memories of what little friendship we had. Do you remember the snowball fights in the parking lot? The soda bottle sword fights. The races across the lawn. The playful fights. The playful fights that turned into not-so-playful fights.
Do you remember the day you crashed my hopes? The day that you said that we were better off being friends? Or have you forgotten that too? Along with everything else to do with me.
There are days that I wonder what I did wrong. Did I come on too strong? Did I fight too hard? Or maybe I wasn’t smart enough. Thin enough. Pretty enough.
Every little reminder of you engraves itself into me, burning like a flame. Do you know what I would give to forget? Oh, how I yearn to forget everything that went on between us. Everything that mattered, and even the things that didn’t matter.
I just wanted you to know that I have all the reminders of you.
Did you keep the reminders of me?
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Canary word: Present
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,847 Reviews
XD God, this thing is so old. I remember writing it simply for the sake of having something to post. *looks over it* Blech. XD I should really edit it one of these days.
Anyway, thanks guys for all your suggestions! ^_^
This was sad... it was well written though... I do have to agree that at points it got a little weepy... but the others have pointed those places out, so I'm sure you know what to look out for.
Other than that, I loved your last line. It was really sweet.
Oh, this was sad. And yes, this is in the right place.
This is the only thing I would change:
Instead of repeating yourself here, you should say something along the lines of this The playful fights that turned into yelling matches and free-flowing tears.
Other than that, I found your story to be really good!
I like this, everyone before me has presented any of the issues I could have found with it so I have only to say I likes its
Keep it up!
*Hearts* Le Penguin
like it.
Basically everything Snoink and Co. said. XD
The end was lyrical, song-like.
You've got good potential for this story, but I feel like you need to elaborate this more. Make it a longer short story, if you know what I mean.
I liked it. Good job.
You write good.
The beggining was very nice, gave me the idea he die, but then it was just a bad break-up.
Not bad at all.
Overall, this struck me as one of those, "Oh poor me, I've been broken up with, what do I do" kind of stories.
Now, this kind of story can be good, because it is something a lot of people have gone through and can relate to. Still, just because this is something that people can relate to doesn't mean it's a good story.
Try and make the character somebody we can love. Try and make us feel as bad for her as she feels for herself. We can't love somebody who does nothing but whimper and whine and moan about her sorry love life at first meeting.
Try and give her a reason to feel so bad. What did the boy do? Why did she love him so much? What is he like?
Honestly, from what we know of the boy, he seems like a bit of a twit. And if this is what you want the reading people to feel, then build on that.
If you want us to like him, make us like him.
You're the writer. It's up to you to decide what you do, but we, the readers, decide what we think.
Peace, always.
Love, forever.
Chocolate, eternally.
Muffin
I liked this. It flowed well for a piece of writing but I do think you should think about the suggestions given. Add more information, let the reader know what's going on?!
=]
I loved this! It is a little vague, but it is really sweet. I think that it describes everything perfectly. The feelings that she's going through and how she found herself there.
Overall I think this is good.
It's a nice thought flow piece. But yes, take thier suggestions, they know what they're doing. And welcome to the YWS!
~Yoyo
Thank you to everyone who posted a critique for me! I really appreciated it! I'll edit this, and take your suggestions. I really do want to get better.
^_^
The beginning of it is pretty cool because it talks about the reminders and everything, and at first I thought he had died. But then, apparently he just broke up with the girl.
Okay.
But it's too abstract to really be effective. If he had actually died, then this might be okay, but because this is about something much less traumatizing than a death, you have to convince us that this is something that is traumatizing to the character. So do it. What were the details of the break up? Yeah, he told her he just wanted to be friends, but what events led up to that?
And the ending doesn't really do anything. Instead of asking him whether he had any reminders of her, it would be better to show how they are acting with each other, now that the break up is over.
Anyway, nice stuff. Just edit! We want more conflict.
Yep; in the right place!
I'd see how concise you can make this. See where you can combine two sentences into one for double the impact. Currently, I think it can get a little weepy in places:
There are alot of questions, but not so many answers. There are alot of feelings directed out towards another person, but not so many clues (via word choice) as to what the narrator feels about himself/herself, so it seems to me like there's only half the story portrayed, on that level, anyway.
I like how it ended, but I don't know if I like visually how there were lines separating the last three sentences.
PM me if you have any questions
-melia