Published March 2, 2008
Star gazing on the beach
hearing the waves crash
listening to the sea gulls
I can no longer see the sun
but the moon, she is in her
fullest state and is shining brightly
I can see many stars in the night
one by one they shine
none the same
I dig my feet into the sand
Star gazing on the beach
My long brown hair blows in the wind
My blue eye are revealed
I can see nothing but dark blue water
Star gazing on the beach
I take my T-shirt off
And I wade myself through the water
Still star gazing on the beach
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141,284 Literary Works • 674,333 Reviews
I thought it was good, but I agree that there could have been more imagery. some words or phrases (brown hair, etc.) could have used more descriptive words instead. Otherwise, I thought it was sweet. thought I was a little helpful!
I found this hard going to be honest.
Your flow was a little jumpy in places and you jam packed some lines to contain a lot of complex similie combinations. Line five and six are truly confusing and I was sat for a while trying to decipher what you were trying to portray, yet I still don't underdstand. But, I did like your first three opening lines; they created something to latch me into the poem and that tends to be the most important thing in a piece of writing, so well done.
Needs a little bit of improvement, maybe on the structure too, and also perhaps on the length. A little more would add some flavour.
Ginge.
:]
hi thanks for reading this and im gonna edit it
Cool! You have a neat idea going here, and if you expand on it like Lucky_Author said, you could have a great poem on your hands here! Keep writing! And welcome to the YWS!
~Yoyo
It was a good short poem. If you made it longer and made it more descriptive, that would be better.
You didn't have much imagery in this. Once again, if it was longer nad more descriptive... You get the gist of it. It was sweet for a small poem.
Keep on Writing...
**L_A