Dear diary,
What did I do wrong
That I have to sing this sad song.
Did I stumble or did I stray?
When I started to lose my way?
Did I wander too far from the light?
That I ended up in this cold night.
Echoes wander in my mind
A melody of doubt ringing
I just wandered through the paths,
That I thought were right
But I still lost my path through the endless night.
Now I wonder what the future holds
Perhaps the pain is part of the gold.
Maybe the future may be fine
Maybe the past may not shine.
So to see the magic my future holds,
I shall sing this song
In hope.
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I like this poem, or is it more like song lyrics, which the last lines are leading me to believe? The message it sends is one of hope in the future which is always good, I also really do love how you began it as a diary entry, pretty inovative I should say. And considering the fact that you are only twelve years old - this is really good, I couldn't write like this when I was twelve! With the praise out of the way - the lines did feel a bit forced. The line ''Perhaps the pain is part of the gold'' especially. I didn't like how you started rhyming and then you stopped randomly in the poem either. I am also confused on, as I mentioned, wether this is a diary entry or a song. It feels like the good idea you had of making a diary entry as a poem was not consistently held through. But that said I still think this poem is impressive for your age for sure!
Thanks
will work on the rhyming scheme
Hey wonderful person! I’m here to give you a review on this beautiful poem. Also, welcome to YWS! I hope you’re enjoying it here so far :D
First off, I like the formatting of this, and a the premise of a poem that is a diary entry is very interesting to me. I do wish it was carried through, though, perhaps with a conclusion of “Sincerely” or “Love” to close it all out and add an extra element.
You also have a nice rhyme scheme going on, but I wished it had been continued throughout the poem. A good rule of thumb is that keeping a rhyme scheme going is to the benefit of the cohesiveness of the poem, and stopping a rhyme makes the most sense when trying to make a point. I do love your imagery, though, so good job with that!
Now, as always, I have a few critiques, but remember that it is your work and you are under no obligation to take my feedback.
You use a lot of question marks, which fits well in some places but seems like it could have been avoided in others. For example, after “stray”, a question mark slows down the pace and contributes to less of a rhythm throughout. Instead, I’d recommend replacing it with a comma or no punctuation mark, so it flows better into the next line.
Another thing that I notice throughout is the word “night”. Although repetition can be useful, in this piece it felt more like an accident, and redundant. I’d recommend that you think deeper about the feeling of the night, not just the existence of one. Think of the feeling of the air, or the emotions felt when venturing into the night. These will both be more impactful.
Just a nitpick in the end of the poem, I noticed you used the word “mabye”, which is supposed to be spelled “maybe”. I think with the two lines that begin with “maybe”, you used some good repetition and for that I commend you!
Overall, I enjoyed reading this poem! I can’t wait to see what you create next.
Keep writing!
<3, chem
i hope u like it