Destiny Rose and her crew had all been called to investigate a crime that had taken place in the manor of the Williams. Destiny was enjoying a peaceful morning when she received a message informing her that Mr.Willams was found dead in his library this morning. She and her crew were given the job of handling this case. As she reached the manor and entered the dining hall, she was greeted by a sweet voice"Good morning Des! Aren't you excited? A new case already!!". This voice belonged to none other than her best friend Carmen Diaz, Carmen was a White hat hacker who previously worked under the state government but was now part of the famous government detective crew. Beside her stood the Garcia twins, Leo and Theo. Leo was Destiny's patner who made sure they could investigate and find evidance in a legal way and Theo was the person who had the proper contacts to get any information he needed to solve a case. Together Destiny, Leo, Carmen and Theo formed the Swan Crew. Destiny smiled at Carmen and said "Hey Carm, so what information have you collected about this case?" Carmen replied"Well earlier this morning Mr.Williams was found dead in his private library. I sent the body for post-moterm. There were no visible injuries on the body but I found a few traces of rat poison on Mr.Williams's glass. I think whoever has commited this crime has poisoned him!". Carmen then asked who were present in the crime scene at that time. Leo said "Well I checked the security footage in the hallway and it showed Mrs.Williams going to the tea room with her cat. The maids were also present in the servant quaters around the time of Mr.Williams's death.". Destiny then said "Strange who can have murdered him without going near him? I think it is time to interrogate Mrs.Willams and the maids. Oh! And Theo please find out if anyone entered or exited the manor during the time period of 5.00 A.M and 5.30 A.M which was the time when Mr.Williams's death had occured.". Theo nodded and exited the room as Destiny and the Swan Crew followed her to the room Mrs.William's was in. "Good morning Mrs.Williams. I'm extremely sorry for your loss. We assure you that we will find out who murdered Mr.Williams."said Destiny in a soft voice. Mrs.Williams lifted her head and softly smiled, Destiny noticed that her eyes were red and puffy and she had a crease between her eyebrows as if she was worried about something. Mrs.Williams said in a sad tone"Oh! Thank you dear I wonder who has cursed this family, first my son ran away from home, then my husband's favourite cat was found dead and now my husband's death. I fear that I might be next!" Destiny gave her a look of pity and then started the interrogation.
Author's note: HEY!! FIND OUT IN THE UPCOMING CHAPTERS ABOUT THE INTERROGATION AND THE REAL CRIMINAL!
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hellooooo!!! This is a nice story, and has its compelling elements. The dynamics between the characters are pleasant—they flow together quite well. However, there are some awkwardness throughout the story (when it comes to structure). Immediately, the singular, huge paragraph is off-putting, as it makes the story less readable. The story would do well having separated paragraphs. There is also a note that this whole story is chapter one and two merged, which implies the chapters would be incredibly short, which makes me question about the content of them - such as if the length is appropriate, or if it would benefit from being longer and being more descriptive.
There are also a few mistakes or awkwardness when it comes to the grammar and punctuation.
The period don't need to be there. Also, there should be a space before the quote.
This sounds a bit clunky. A comma could be replaced by a period, or the sentence could be restructured to say "Carmen Diaz, who..."
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These are just a few examples. Alongside that, going back to the readability of this story—the italics also makes it harder to read. The usage of italics are quite excessive. It's recommended to use italics sparingly, as they stand out so much, it could be hard to read and disrupt the flow of reading if it's used for many sentences. They should be more-so used when they are giving emphasis to something that is important for the story or sentence, rather than constantly used for a group of sentences.
Other than that. Keep writing! Be well. This is nice so far!!
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the scary S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Destiny Rose, Carmen, and Theo work together in a group called “The Swan Crew” on a case to find out who murdered Mr. Williams. The question hangs heavily in the air, but perhaps they will be able to find the killer soon!
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I’m not sure if you only wanted certain parts to be in italics, but if you wish to edit out some of the italics, then you may.
Chocolate Bar - I like how Carmen spoke about what could possibly have happened to Mr. Williams, this shows that she has knowledge on the business. The friendship between the characters is also very natural from their dialogue. I think it’d be interesting to learn more about the history of The Swan Crew, but if you don’t wish to add more, then you may ignore this.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, great first two chapters of this story! I’ll check out the third chapter tomorrow and I really do hope that The Swan Crew finds out who murdered Mr. Williams. I’ve enjoyed this very much and…
I wish you a fantastic day/night! ^v^
I loved this and I am so excited for the upcoming chapters, but I feel like you should try using paragraphs so it's easier to read if you have dyslexia or poor vision.
ok will do that in the upcoming chapters hope u r liking the story so far