Dear Dissociation
Your existence is parasitic
Draining the joy from my soul
To my own, I am a critic
As I stare through eyes you stole
You robbed my life
My happiness and reality
My mind depletes in constant strife
Driving me to the brink of insanity
The world is a fog
A stranger playing my character
At your heal I am like a dog
The place I stand just a broken blur
Dear Dissociation
Why must you be so cruel?
I reach for the moment I'm in
Yet the present becomes more rural
And I lose before I begin
Why do you take my feelings
My presence of mind
Twist its reality and meanings
Until the past cant be left behind
I want to be me
And not a shell of who I was
Not who you act me out to be
Oh to act out my own cause
Dear Dissociation
I wish you would've died
You are a ruthless disease
that plagues my weary mind
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142,048 Literary Works • 676,465 Reviews
Criticism welcome, plz tell me if I should remove the bold letters every other letter
I love how this is much like a hybrid between a poem and a letter, extra points for creativity! I also love the rhyming scheme you did by using every other line per stanza rhyming and not every line having the same rhyme per stanza, it gives variety. I would also like to note that I will be reviewing this without reading other reviews and comments, so hopefully this helps you. Now on to the critiquing:
This first stanza, where you said
you did a pretty decent job keeping the individual lines a similar length and the syllabic verse is very close in this set, with it having a pattern of 9 syllables, 7 syllables, 8 syllables, and then 7 syllables again. Making it the same amount could help although it doesn't hurt your poem at all and I very much so like how that is worded, especially "As I stare through eyes you stole" which was written very well.
Being straight forward with this, the only real two things in this stanza I would change is first (but NOT the more important one) that the word 'my' is used twice. Secondly, you do not have any punctuation which makes the lines feel a bit... rushed.
Again your syllabic verse could use to be a bit better but otherwise no real rapps on this one, yet again a pretty decent job, the flow causes the reader to naturally pause for the perfect amounts of time without the need for punctuation in this stanza. Very good job.
In this one I may note that you said 'becomes more rural' which may be difficult for a reader to picture and you slightly forced the rhyme scheme with that but otherwise nothing wrong with this one either.
You missed some punctuation with "its" and "cant" here but alright otherwise.
Also about the following stanza
I have these few things to say:
Either you have 3 lines here which messes up the entirety of this stanza, or you forgot to capitalize A in 'and' unless you did it on purpose to which I can only guess as of to why... also, again, maybe a hair of punctuation in at least the 3rd (second?) line, where it ends in 'be' you could use a period there, or a bit of punctuation in the final line. Either way though, you are skimping on the punctuation. The syllabic verse is great tho!
The final stanza, here we go...
Honestly at this point... this one is fine being 3... it fits, but also like it doesn't. In music, you always end on a whole note and not a sharp or flat because it feels empty, and this honestly balances between the two depending on how you read it. I'd recommend clarifying that but otherwise it is probably your best stanza in this, although these are two of my favorite individual lines
I would once again like to applaud you on your work, great job. I hope you find a way to no longer struggle with dissasciciation and that life is a little bit brighter for you soon, even if its only a teaspoon at a time. Again, lovely work, I hope to read more of your work in the future
-PikeFisher4Life
Thank you for your review! I did fix the A in the one stanza as that was a typo, and I lwky didnt even bother with punctuation lol. Thank you for the constructive criticism aswell!
Of course! Keep up the good work!
This was a fantastic read. The idea that it is not a part of you so to speak, but more like a parasite come across very well.
For me the last paragraph hits very hard. The writers feeling and emotion are on full view for the reader and it is a perfect end to the poem.
Personally, I would have tried to keep the pattern of rhyming consistent, but the changes do not detract from the fact this is very well written.
Thank you for your review!
Hi! Dragonight here to review this letter of woe. I am excited to see how you describe the word for which this story was named.
That was straight dragon FIRE (my favorite parts)
I love the stolen eyes you reference. That is how I would imagine this feels (though I don't think I've experienced full dissociation before). That feeling of not being fully in your own body can be quite scary.
This verse sent chills down my spine when I read it. That feeling of being trapped in your past self, or past mistakes, really calls upon hopelessness. I can relate to wanting to be the better version of myself that I know I can be, but falling into old habits like a slippery pit.
Great concluding verse as well. A dark ending to a dark poem, that expresses how you feel about the topic of your writing very well.
Some loose scales
This paragraph/verse was good and I liked the words you chose to rhyme but the rhythm felt off. This is mostly feeling of reading but I think it has to do with the number of syllables as well.
The meaning/descriptions in this sentence are good but it doesn't connect to 'A stranger playing my character' in a rhyme sense.
I think the bolded words were not fully necessary but didn't detract from the story either. If you meant for readers to pull a secondary meaning out of the story by just reading the bolded words, that is a great idea but I didn't see that here.
Bolding the "Dear Dissociation" was a good idea though. (you should capitalize 'dissociation' since it is the "person" you are addressing when writing the letter)
As mighty wing soar overall
This story was everything I hoped for when I clicked on it.
There was very good description and feelings behind your words. The story flowed well overall and most of the rhymes were on point. You used the premise of this being a letter well and made it more than a simple poem. Great job!
Final wisdom of the dragon friend
I would suggest adding a variety of senses as well as feelings to your work. Smell, taste and sound can be felt by the reader as they read and makes the story a more embodied experience. It helps paint the picture your feelings are adding depth to.
May blazing dragon-fire light your path and ignite the flames of your inspiration.
Thank you for your incredibly in depth review! And thank you for the advice and pointers you gave, I will definitely work on my skills with what you just wrote 🐉.