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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi there.
While you have some pretty good images, there are some things you'll need to work on if you want to improve this poem.
First, I like your first stanza. Nice images there. It's the best stanza.
The rest are okay, but they lack the magic the first couplet had.
Also, you need something to tie all of these together. There is no story, and I can't really get emotionally involved in something that hasn't got a story or characters. Try introducing a character or a story (even better, both).
Some of your rhymes sound forced. My advice is to rewrite this in free verse, allowing your word choice to take precedence over your rhymes. Then if a rhyme with the better word choice appears, put it in. But don't ever let your rhyme scheme control your word choice. Other way 'round.
The last line reminds me too much of a certain pop song popular a few years back. "You're on my heart, just like a tattoo." Who was that by? Right. Jordin Sparks. Be careful of your wording there. I wouldn't want something bad to happen because of copyright or whatever. Not saying that you stole it. Just be careful. You can't trust corporations. Or pop stars.
Nice job on the images there. Keep writing, and don't forget to be awesome.
Hey Rylie,
Welcome to YWS.
Lucky for you, I started reviewing poetry. However, I didn't change that on my thread yet. There are plenty of people out there who don't review poetry, so be careful to read the thread creator's first post well.
...That doesn't make as much sense as I wanted it do, but I hope you get the idea. Make sure the reviewer is willing to review what you offer.
No harm, no foul this time though, so I'm going to get started! I'm not a poet myself, so excuse me if I don't focus on things like rhythm and rhyme. I'll be looking more at the meaning itself and individual lines.
Being that annoying nitpicker that I am, I'm going to point out a typo.
This sounds very similar to death. I've often heard of death as a peaceful never-ending embrace. Be careful here...
These two lines are very chunky. They don't go with the flow of the rest of the poem.
Now I'm going to pick on the title itself. Love is very generic. Every other poem is about love. New love, old love, true love, bad love, lost love. I don't want to read poems about love anymore unless they're really good. The title 'Love' is not going to claw me in when I have thousands of poems around it, calling for my attention. Perhaps, and these are just suggestions, Tattoo of the Heart, Eternal Exploration... Ah... My title creating skills are faltering at the moment, but this should give you the gist. Come up with something artsy and different that will grab my attention immediately.
The poem in general... I like several of your verses, but I feel like they're all just that. Verses. They don't have that single thread tying them together. Instead, here are two lines about love and here are two lines about love and here's two other lines about love. I like the fire from one spark, I like the tattoo on the heart, I like the walking down a winding journey hand in hand, but they're all just individual pictures with 'love' as the theme. That doesn't make an impact. That makes us go, "Aw... That was nice."
As it is right now, I love the imagery you've got going on. It's sweet and pleasing to think about. I also like the idea you have of forever together learning about each other. It's wonderful. I hope for that in my future someday.
That's about it for me.
If you have any questions, just PM me or hit up my wall.
You know where my WRFF thread is if you ever need another review.
Megsug
I don't think I see anything to critique...
This was lovely, a wonderful description of one of the hardest thing to describe...
Truly beautiful...