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Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Stoneslide - Chapter 14

by ChiravianSkies


Occelle, the tricolour mouse, lowered her gaze at Tulun. “You made a grave mistake, pup,” she growled. “Embarrass me in front of the queen herself. I’ll show you.”

She stood in silence, every single move her paws made sent a dread into her stomach, though she didn’t know why.

“And you manage to become a captain, instead of me! Alright. Attack the dummy.” A dagger fell into Tulun’s tiny paws, and she looked up at a cloth shape standing on fake hind legs.

She seemed to know what to do immediately. She ran towards it, and using a technique even she’d never seen before, she swung at its face. She then stabbed onto a pebble eye and put all her weight on it. She had no control of herself as she hung onto the blade, tearing the moss out of the dummy. She fell to the ground at the end, hitting her tail, which gave her a dull throb.

“Wrong!” the mouse shouted. She kicked forwards at Tulun, her paw connecting with Tulun’s face.“You aim for the top of the skull, not the eye sockets!”

As she fell to the ground, she caught sight of a white mouse with a black head. He grinned devilishly, dark blue eyes twinkling. Where had she seen that face before?

“You can’t fight, you can’t even talk, yet you’re still somehow higher than the rest of us,” the tricolour said, her face contorted into a snarl.

“I can speak,” Tulun said, but no sound came out. She tried to keep calm, but it wasn’t working. There was no pain in a dream, yet she felt it all clear as a calm pond. The faces all seemed familiar, though she’d never seen any of them before. But it didn’t explain her size.

“Look at you, opening and closing your mouth like a fish.” She stopped, muttering to herself. “I’m here to train the royal pups something, but what in Sandil’s name am I supposed to do with a dumb mouse the size of a berry?” She turned to Tulun, the dark brown on her face alit. “That’s right, nothing!” She swung her leg out, and Tulun couldn’t defend herself or even dodge from the mouse’s blow. She was forced to the grassy floor, feeling the searing pain in her jaw.

“I can speak,” she said coolly, like she would to any mouse. She stood up. “And I’m not dumb.”

Occelle lifted her tail like a whip. “Get back to training, whelp. Before I-” Occelle was stopped dead in her tracks by a shadow standing over both Tulun and Occelle. It stood there for a moment, and then leaned down. A familiar black-spotted paw reached for Tulun and pulled her up.

The white-and-black mouse stood up from his own throne-like chair, stalking towards the mouse who helped her up.

“Tyranos, what is the meaning of this?” he shouted, black head-fur bristling.

Tyranos? Tulun looked up at the figure, and surely enough it was him. Down to the black spots beneath each of his fiery eyes. “I was going to ask the same, Kyran. Brothers don’t watch their sisters get beaten, do they? As for that, Occelle,” Tyranos turned to Occelle, holding Tulun tight in his paws. “Tulun, your dagger, please.”

Tulun widened her eyes and mentally tried to stop her paw, yet somehow, her body rebelled. The dagger landed in Tyranos’ paws, and he curled his lips. “Don’t ever, ever, hurt Tulun again.” There was a choke, and before Occelle could say anything, she fell limp to the snowy ground. Tulun’s jaw dropped as a wound bled from the back of her head. “And you, Kyran,” he growled, “Stay away from her.”

Tulun buried her head into Tyranos’ chest fur, trying to keep the images of the quick death from her mind. Tyranos was a killer? It had to be a dream. It just had to be.

***

Tyranos stopped dead in his tracks. “Tulun, you hear that?” He swivelled his head, where beneath his paws a thumping sound was heard.

He forgot. Tulun was unconscious on his back.

“Nothing, Tyranos.” Fleck stopped, though his face was blank and tired, another reason Edvard was a horrible leader.

Edvard scoffed. “There’s just something wrong with him. Always has.” Tyranos caught the last part and willed his fur flat. There was something wrong with Edvard, not Tyranos. He reminded Tyranos too much of Kyran. Vindictive, cold, and both were malicious in their own ways.

But still, that thumping was definitely there, vibrating beneath his paws. How the others didn’t hear it was beyond him. With Tulun on his back and his ear close to the ground, he padded along the ground. “I hope you don’t mind, but I’m checking it out.” He felt the underground thumps becoming closer. “Step lightly, will ya?”

Tyranos ran closer to the sounds, each coming closer and closer. When the sounds were so loud he could be sure they were right next to him, Tyranos took one last step and fell off some invisible ledge.

He landed on something, rolling off of it. A clump of brown fur went down with him. “What the?” He looked up. Above him was a rabbit, staring down at him.

Tulun groaned quietly beside him, thrown off by the fall. She didn’t wake up. Tyranos stood up to the rabbit, raising his ears high and holding both satchels on his back, but he couldn’t help casting a glance at Tulun, to see if she was hurt. At least, hurt any worse than her tail.

“Who are you and why are you here?” The rabbit curled a lip. “Come on. Scare the living daylights out of the littluns, and intrude on us. Speak up.”

Tyranos looked at the giant creature in the eyes, pulling himself up. “I’m Tyran-”

He was cut off by Edvard at the top of miniature cliff. “I’m Edvard Redwillow, this is Flekkanos Smallsnout, and the two down there are Tyranos and Tulun Brighteyes.” His voice fell flat at both their names. Oh, how he hated Edvard. “And I apologize for the Brighteyes’ insolence.”

“Good Lagia, look at her tail!” a voice shouted. Another rabbit bounded out from behind Tyranos. He whirled around and saw a giant burrow. She lifted Tulun off the ground and put her on her back. Tyranos narrowed his eyes. “Come on in. Perro, Lyla, and Livvy aren’t actually scared either, Tarlo.”

“Don’t worry, then. Clan Sandbar’s trustworthy. Long as one member of it likes mice.” He narrowed his eyes at Tyranos.

Tyranos realized he recognized this rabbit. Tyranos’ first siege. He was the one that managed to get away before the Frozen mice could close the rest of the rabbits in.

“You better tell the truth, because if my sister gets hurt…” He walked into the tunnel, Edvard and Fleck following closely behind.

***

The Guildless complex was much like the Burrowers’. The only difference was the fact it was underground. And dark. But at least Rozalin wasn’t around. The mice had a right to leave, and resorting to violence to keep them back failed. More like backfired horribly.

A thought lingered in Nera’s mind, though. Even after all the gatherers had come to the Guildless, Fleck was nowhere to be seen. Was he hiding with Highwhisker?

Nera shook the thought out of her mind. Fleck wasn’t a coward. She knew that one with her heart.

“Have you heard the one about-” An ex-Messenger next to her stopped at the sight of a mouse striding the the complex tunnels. Nera eyed Rozalin wearily, touching the cut on her cheek. Roz knew how to use that rapier she had in her satchel, its tip pointing out through the fabric of her satchel. Behind her, Larx walked along, casting glances around the complex. She didn’t look near as angry as Roz did. Her expression was unidentifiable.

Nera snuck along, behind the Guildless mice, as she trailed Rozalin and Larx. Was she finally caving and realizing Highwhisker was a bad mouse? She hid along walls, and among mice. It seemed to work, as Rozalin didn’t even get a second glance at Nera. Maybe not even a first glance.

Rozalin stopped in the common room., an open space that most of the Guildless spent their time in. Whether they were trading what they had, or just simply talking with everyone else and even finding their own families, they were there.

“I need five ex-Guards,” she said calmly, glaring around the common room.

There were hesitant mice, but two mice stood up and walked to Roz. Nera was one, the other was Trill.

Trill was the first to say anything. “You’re still loyal to the Guilds.”

Rozalin lifted her satchel, flashing ripped green thread. “I tore my Guild sign off.”

Trill narrowed her eyes and paused. A wry grin began to grow on her face. “Then I guess you have our support. My support.”

Nera walked next to Trill and nodded. If Roz was Guildless, then she had to follow their laws. She’d be safe. “What do you need?” Nera asked tentatively.

“A mission.” Roz’s glare faded. “But you don’t want to go on it.” A look of genuine worry was on her face, with her face pulled taut.

Yet, a part of her mind still tugged her. Just to spite her, she stood up taller. “I’m no hopper,” she said, “I’d like to go.” She paused. “And I’m not doing it for you. I just want to do something for the Guildless.”

Roz pulled a surprised face, her mouth tight. “Then this trip is definitely not for you.”

“As long it gets me as far away from you as I can, I’ll be fine,” she spat back.

Rozalin sighed, an amused smile on her face. “Trill. Who do you think would be best?”

She stood up, her paws digging into the damp dirt of the complex. “Terris, Wren, and Shayn.” She stopped. “Of course I’ll come along with them.” She waved her paw, and three mice stood up. She recognized them as the mice who were always close to Trill. Maybe ex-Guilds stayed together. She certainly didn’t.

Rozalin stayed as quiet as the other three mice. She only nodded. “Then follow me.” She waved a paw, and stepped through the nearly crowded common room, acting as if nobody was there at all. She left into the halls, only distinguishable from the other mice by the way she walked. Like a leader.

She stopped in the halls, waiting for Nera and the others to follow. They stopped behind her. She pushed in a wall of dirt, revealing a hollow. “Don’t think I didn’t know about Serica’s secret office. I built it.” She stepped in and assumed position behind the wooden block desk.

Larx stepped in last, making sure Nera didn’t bolt. She gave her a sympathetic glance, but it didn’t seem like Roz even noticed.

“First. Trillium, I want you to be the leader of this mission.” Her gaze was cold.

“I’ll take that.” Nera was forced to sit in silence as both mice exchanged equally cool responses. “First, what’s this mission about?”

Roz nodded, a smile on her face. She just about handed the scroll out, but stopped at the sight of Nera. “You’ll be the only one to read it, Trill, until you’re out of the city.” She gave the scroll to Trill, who took it and read it. A minute later, she nodded. She seemed unfazed, but her yellow eyes glinted in worry. It must’ve been a big mission.

Trill put the scroll down with a nod. “I understand, Rozalin. If you want this done, we’re the right mice for the jobs.” Her lip curled as she spoke, frightening Nera, yet intriguing her. What was it about, really? She wanted to speak up right there, but the Guildless had changed her. Not to mention Roz being in the presence.

Rozalin was a psycho, and it was always bad to cross paths with her. Especially when she was the worst Nera had ever seen her.

“You’ll leave as I get you some weapons.”

Weapons? Nera closed her eyes. Why would she need a weapon? But she didn’t ask, especially under the steely glare that Roz gave her.


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2631 Reviews


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Reviews: 2631

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Sun May 31, 2015 10:27 am
Rydia wrote a review...



Thought I'd try another chapter :)

Specifics

1. Again, more description in the first paragraph please, especially since you've switched to one of the other groups between this part and the last. It's possibly too early for me to say this, but I think you might be switching between groups too much. Then again, I don't know if this is because it's the middle of the novel or if you've been doing it all the way through? It gets quite hard to be absorbed in the story if we have to readjust our thinking every couple of minutes. If you think if this in terms of a film or episode then we'll normally have very few point of view changes. Even in Game of Thrones where there are lots of groups of characters, they're at least ten minutes apart and usually a whole chapter in the books.

2. I don't like that Tulun just knows how to attack the dummy. I think it would be better if you described this as following her instincts and if you show that she's surprised it works as well. It's sometimes hard to like a character who is just too good and I'm siding with Occelle at the moment when I should probably be thinking of her as the villain?

3.

“Look at you, opening and closing your mouth like a fish.” She stopped, muttering to herself. “I’m here to train the royal pups something, but what in Sandil’s name am I supposed to do with a dumb mouse the size of a berry?” She turned to Tulun, the dark brown on her face alit alight [alit isn't a word].


4.
“Good Lagia, look at her tail!” a voice shouted. Another rabbit bounded out from behind Tyranos. He whirled around and saw a giant burrow. She lifted Tulun off the ground and put her on her back. Tyranos narrowed his eyes.
Does she lift with her paws or her mouth? This would help us envision the scene better, which I'm struggling with a little at the moment. I'm not sure what kind of ground they are travelling over though I'm guessing it's a grassy meadow?

5.
“Have you heard the one about-” An ex-Messenger next to her stopped at the sight of a mouse striding the the complex tunnels. Nera eyed Rozalin wearily, touching the cut on her cheek. Roz knew how to use that rapier she had in her satchel, its tip pointing out through the fabric of her satchel.
There's no need to repeat satchel twice.

Overall

This chapter moved a little too fast toward the end and I'm not sure when the viewpoint switched from Ros to one of the other mice, but that was confusing. Was it Nera's head we were in at the end there? Maybe try to stay with Ros and describe it from her point of view since she hasn't left the scene, or if you really want to switch then have a few line breaks or something in between so that we know the character is different.

Again, there were some good interactions here, but I didn't find the plot as good in this chapter and the descriptions are still a little vague. I think you did a good job with Tyranos' part and his side of the story seems more interesting in general, but I was bored by all the talk of a super secret mission. It might have been more interesting if I knew what the mission was, but I'm not sure.

Keep writing!

Heather xx




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Sun Apr 26, 2015 4:12 pm
RebelWriter wrote a review...



I like the concept here of using animals as characters. I have to go back and re-read this and your other works now. I'm no good at writing adventure and action packed fiction stories, so I applaud your ability to do just that. These sound like some seriously tough mice, haha. I didn't see grammar errors but that's not my area of expertise. There were a few typos I think but nothing noticeable and obnoxious. Good job. I'll be following for more.





One is not born, but rather becomes a woman.
— Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex