Dear Ms.Vicente,
I am looking for representation for my 76, 000 word Animal Fantasy novel, STONESLIDE. Before the disaster, Fleck was just a mouse learning his trade. Now, he is a victim of an ever-growing and violent rebellion.
After their home was lifted into the air and put on his side, Fleck’s Guild, the Gatherers, try to continue on without a storage room, courtroom, or even a nest to sleep in. It took a while for the guild’s second in command to snap, but when he did, the idea of rebellion spreads like wildfire among a discontented Wolf Plains.
Sir Ketani Highwhisker is the target of the rebellion. He fought for his position, but is now so guilt-ridden that he can’t even assume his duties.To him, the rebellion is just empty words, threats from a mouse who wouldn’t do anything to him. After his adopted son Fleck is nearly killed by the rebellion’s leader, he realizes that old friendships mean nothing.
It is in that moment that Highwhisker realizes he cannot stop his own death. Yet he can try and keep those closest to him alive. So in an already doomed attempt to keep the city's heirs alive, he creates a false mission and sends them out of the city. Naturally, Fleck is one of those heirs. The road is fraught with peril, but Wolf Plains is even more dangerous for the mice. So a new journey starts, Fleck not knowing if he will ever make it home.
I am a homeschooled girl whose favourite thing to do is explore and write about Wolf Plains without even leaving my backyard. On your wish list, you asked for Middle Grade Animal Fiction but I can’t say this is Middle Grade as the point of view characters have a wide variety of ages. You can contact me via email, or with the phone number [redacted]. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Maddison [middle name and last name redacted]
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So the submission guidelines ask for 3 paragraphs, but the agent's blog says that she's rather indifferent to it. Should I put the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th paragraphs into one or just leave it?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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127,318 Literary Works • 671,484 Reviews
Ugh this is grating my nerves. Keeps posting twice, ugh.
Hey Hey, I'm up in the middle of the morning/night and I decided to help my team with a review since I got a bit of sleep and my headache has lessen. So I'm here to review and comment about things from my perspective/personally. -Sharrae-
So I think here, ( Fleck’s Guild, the ) you should end with a period because I feel that it stops there.
(starts, Fleck) Instead of a comma use ; because those are two clauses, well at least that's what I'm getting from it.
Okay I agree with @ArtStyx, don't put them together. Honestly it wouldn't make since for you to do that. First of all, they all hold different pieces of information, so it makes sense to split them. Secondly, he's right, giant walls of text, basically puts almost everyone off.
Anyway, I hope you don't mind and thanks for letting us review it.
To answer your question: I wouldn't suggest you to combine the paragraphs, else it'll look like a giant wall of text and could put her off.
I don't know much about query letters, but I'll try my best to help you as much as I can.
1. I think it'd be appropriate for the first sentence to be added before "I'm a homeschooled girl . . . . ."
2. You have to briefly personalise the first paragraph to show that you have done your research. So, I'd say you should move "on your wish list . . . variety of ages" sentence at the start, before you move on to introducing your story.
3. I feel that the second paragraph needs some editing. It could be concised further.
4. Tell her more about yourself, maybe another sentence to highlight your achievements.
Overall, it's an excellent second attempt!
Good luck, and well done!
P.S: I hope you found this review helpful!