"That's what you get from that?" laughed a woman with bubblegum pink hair dressed in a tiny skirt and what looked like a bra but wasn't.
"Kelly. What are you doing here?" growled Lisbeth.
"I'm here for Isaiah," Kelly purred, pawing his sleeve. "We have plans, don't we?"
"Kelly. I want you out of here. You were already on probation for harassment and insensitivity to the souls that come here. You know how Lisbeth and I feel about you. I do not want you. Be gone in the next half an hour or you will be repelled from the realm, ready or not," growled Isaiah threateningly, never uttering the words aloud, communicating directly into Kelly's head so as not to alarm Elissa.
"What was that?" asked Elissa.
"She was one of the people that live here," said Lisbeth in a strained tone, she harboured a particular dislike for Kelly.
"Where is here?" asked Elissa, returning to her original question..
"Under Rome," said Lisbeth, sitting back down.
"You're playing with me. You managed to get me from the UK to Rome, going through airports and control borders with me asleep? And besides. We're not underground," said Elissa shaking her head.
"We fly, cor meum," said Isaiah with an amused smile. "And we are not literally under Rome. We are in another thread of reality, which happens to join with yours in the Coliseum of Rome."
"Oh.... wait, you have wings?" exclaimed Elissa, childish enthusiasm flashing through her eyes and lighting her face up as she smiled, easily distracted.
"We do. Would you like to see them, vita mea?" asked Lisbeth enthusiastically.
"Please!" exclaimed Elissa once more.
Lisbeth and Isaiah flashed out of existence, returning a minute with great, soaring angel-like wings on their backs. Their whole bodies seemed to glow and Elissa couldn't help but feel comforted in their presence.
"May I?" asked Elissa reaching a hand tentatively towards Isaiah's right wing.
"Please, cor meum," said Isaiah, turning around and sitting on the bed so she could reach the middle of his wings where they joined. She stroked gently up the sides and buried her hands in the soft feathers, stroking a cheek against his wings. They were white and darkened gradually to a foggy grey and ended in a tip of night-black.
"They're so soft yet somehow I feel like you wouldn't be able to pull one out if you tried," Elissa marvelled.
"That is so. Why don't you feel Lisbeth's? Hers are different," suggested Isaiah.
"How are they different?" asked Elissa curiously.
"Have a look, vita mea," said Lisbeth under her breath as she sat on the bed next to Isaiah.
Hesitantly, Elissa reached her hand out towards Lisbeth's wings. She touched the tip of them and gasped. They were not soft and strong as Isaiah's were, rather stiff and brittle, yet powerful.
"They feel like tiny bones," Elissa said.
"They are," said Lisbeth, smiling.
"Do you break them?" asked Elissa.
"All the time," grimaced Lisbeth. "However, they grow back within minutes, so it is not much of an issue."
"Why are your wings so different?" asked Elissa curiously.
"Because, unlike angeli, there are only two diaboli and we are individuals, not a single whole. They are used to show our status as rulers, overseers and protectors of the souls that live here. We each have advantages, as do our wings- Lisbeth's allow her to fly faster than anyone else, but for a limited time, whereas I can fly for unlimited lengths, at only a slightly accelerated pace," said Isaiah.
"Souls?" said Elissa, a slight flash of confusion passing over her face.
"Do you know the biblical story about Heaven and Hell- angels and the devil?" asked Lisbeth.
"Yes, please don't tell me it's true," said Elissa who had always been adamant such things didn't exist, not because she didn't believe that things that couldn't be proved were unreal, but because she didn't believe in the sins which these stories insinuated could leave you in torturous place- she didn't condone torture, anyway. She was a wholly kind and non-violent person.
"It is based off a truth. There are three realms in this world- the Earth realm, the Ruin realm and the Free realm. The Earth realm is where humans are manifested in their physical forms. It is run by humans. That is the realm which you are familiar with. The Ruin realm and the Free realm are realms of souls, living and dead. The Ruin realm is ruled by Angeli and the Free realm by Diaboli," said Isaiah.
"Why are their two soul realms?" asked Elissa.
"Different souls belong to different realms, based on their needs, accomplishments and beliefs. All Christian souls belong in the Ruin realm, as Angeli favour that religion and have Christian beliefs. Also in the Ruin realm belong the criminals, the unambitious, the lazy and those who are disloyal or arrogant. In the Free realm, we accept everybody else," said Lisbeth.
"Segregation. How is that better than Heaven and Hell? People change," said Elissa angrily.
"And so does their placement in the realms," said Isaiah.
"Which realm does my soul belong too?" asked Elissa.
"It belongs to yourself now, you can access it, along with us," said Lisbeth.
"Before?" asked Elissa.
"No one, it belonged to no one," said Lisbeth. "You were an Abandoned spirit. Or a Wandering spirit."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hey, I figured I'd review an actual chapter next
I've not read the prologue or chapter one so if I point out something you think you've already covered earlier, please feel free to ignore it.
I feel like that last comma needs to be a dash or a semi colon as it's not quite connected to the previous sentence but is at the same time. That would help it read a little more smoothly.Specifics
1. I'm not really a fan of using dialogue to open a chapter unless it's a really punchy line that grabs the reader's attention straight away. I tend to prefer it when there's some description to set the scene, partly because a reader can put your book down between chapters so it's best to remind them where the characters are in case they've just tuned back in. It also helps establish whether there has been a time skip or if this is following straight on from the events of the previous chapter.
2. I'm not sure about using laughed as a dialogue tag. It seems a little forced, like it's not a way of speaking? Maybe instead you could have the dialogue end with a full stop and then start a new sentence. Something like: 'The woman laughed and ran a hand through her bubblegum pink hair as she stood in the doorway, her hips swinging in a tiny skirt and her chest covered by a top so small it looked like a bra.'
3.
4. I'm curious, does Elissa understand latin? If not, this would be the perfect point for her to ask if he has called her a rude name or to at least show curiosity as to what he said.
5. I'm not sure how Elissa realises he has wings from Isaiah saying they flew? She was talking about airports just a moment ago so I'd expect her response to be 'Well I got that, but how'd you get me past security' or something.
6. It seems odd that both Lisbeth and Isaiah seem to be in love with Elissa? I was expecting all the latin to come from one person who loves her but there are two?
7.
Overall
I liked the dialogue exchange in this but felt there was a slight lack of description. It's hard to know how Elissa feels or even where they currently are - a large chamber/ small? Well lit or poorly? This makes the voices feel a bit detached and it's harder to feel an emotional link to the characters.
There seems to be a solid plot going on though and I like the idea of the three realms and how a soul belongs to one but can move between them dependent on the choices they make in life. That's pretty cool. Maybe just work on getting some more descriptions in there and showing us how Elissa feels about all this - is she more excited or afraid or maybe curious? It's hard to tell at the moment.
All the best!
Heather xx
There is description of the place in the previous chapter
I've done the starting-with-dialogue thing quite a few times... I'll go back and fix that when I have the time and review day is over. Thank you for the review, I'll definitely keep your points in mind!
Elissa is slightly slow on the uptake with a lot of things so it will take a while for her to ask what they are calling her... in the previous chapter she complains about it though
No problem and that's great, if the place is described in chapter one, you probably don't need to give us much more detail here - just a reminder of where they are perhaps
Hey! It's the Chirave Canicthus here to kick this chapter from the (seemingly) bottomless pit of the green room. On a first note, I haven't gone through and read your other chapters, sorry, but this is only the second one. Not to mention that even upon jumping in, I get a full grasp of the location, time, and surroundings. Great for you!
Realms. That sounds really cool. But still, I'm kind of wondering why all the Christians go in the same realm as the criminals and the plain out jerks. Are you trying to say the Angeli are jerks, or...? Next, what use is a wandering spirit to the plot? Is it to give your main character uniqueness, powers that are probably going to come out in a giant Deus Ex Machina in the end? You should explain within the chapter. For example, have Isaiah give a sentence or two about Wanderers, and then have him say that she's a Wanda. (The Host reference. Don't kill me.)
Next, this chapter was a gigantosaurus of an infodump. Sure, it wasn't all in one giant block of text, but all it was doing was providing the information for the rest of this story, where it could be sprinkled out and around through the texts. This would keep us wanting more information, and it'd leave infodump complaints (like me) out of here.
In General though, I liked this. I could ignore the info being given, and still like it. I just overall like Rome.
So, yeah. Good chapter, be careful about how much information you're giving away at once, and Keep Writing!
*The Chiravian flies away*
Yeah, it definitely is a bit of an info dump, isn't it? I explain what a wandering spirit is in the next chapter and it is the premise of a major issue that comes in later- will that be enough or does something more need to be done? I think I'll leave this as an info-dump for now (I may come back at a later day and change it but right now I think I'll keep writing) but I will try not to repeat the mistake in future works!
Well I didn't expect that, Ruin and Free. Or the adjustment to having angels in a place called ruin, and the ones whose names sound like devil live in a free place that accepts everyone. I definitely like where this is going, and am looking forward to chapter 3. I am starting to get an idea of where it's going because the story seems really familiar, but I don't doubt i'm in for a couple surprising plot twists.
This explanation of realms is quite similar to the anime bleach, world of the living, soul society, hueco mundo. One for humans, one for souls who led good lives, one souls that are corrupted.
Your story is named after my second favorite cake by the way, love red velvet cake.
I love Red Velvet too... if it's your second favourite, what's your first?
I'm glad you like it! I'm working on chapter 3 now
Ice cream cake. Then red velvet, then angel food cake.
Looking forward to it.
Hahahahaha. My favourite is probably lemon... then red velvet
then caramel chocolate 
I don't know if I had lemon, definitely haven't had caramel chocolate.
You are missing out on so much!!!!!!!!!! I wish I could send you some through the computer screen
I live near a bakery and a few dairy queen restaurants. I can get one later.
Not the dairy queen restaurants. Try the bakery, but I bet they won't be as good as my mums..... (they will probably but my mum is a ridiculously good baker).
Yeah I know, my mom is the same. On my birthday or a teachers birthday during elementary school she would send me with cookies. I always got asked if she was a baker or ever worked as one. She has been a nurse her whole life.