Vena sat with her hands folded between her legs, listening to the mumbling and grumbling of the clan leaders. Somehow her father had decided that all the old members of the clan got a say in everything, so here they sat, arguing back and forth. She blew some of her crimson hair out of her face and glanced up. Her father's ex, Masuku was nearly screaming now about Plague-mother knew what. Mary, the elite guard was standing beside her father's chair with a hand on her sword. She was surprised she hadn't spoken up by now, or poked her father on the shoulder. The two were close, she was often curious if he'd leave her mother for Mary. But for now? He seemed happy with his third wife, and Mary was happy with no one.
She felt eyes on her and glanced over to meet the bright red eyes of her husband, Ganelon. He'd stopped watching the argument at some point and shifted his gaze over to her. She flushed a bright red and turned away. Just a few more minutes of this screaming and they'd be free from this nightmare.
Her father, Delta, sighed heavily, "Masuku," he offered, "Please."
The screaming woman paused and leaned back in her chair. Vena understood now, she'd been yelling at her mother, Iota. Vena sighed, her poor mother, so abused. She liked to imagine that before her mother came to this clan, before she'd met Delta, she was strong, loud. Now? She was quiet, peaceful, scarred. She was so scarred. She wore them on her face and her arms, but it didn't really compete with Ganelon's amount of scars. The man was covered in them, especially his neck and shoulders. They both were scarred.
Masuku squirmed in her spot a little, "Fine! Fine, fine. I see how it is."
"You've known how it's been for a long time Masuku," Mary offered, "Let it go."
"Yes, let it go, of course. Of course," Masuku started off into another screaming rant at the woman.
Vena glanced over at her father. He looked like he was ready to punch something, but he was containing it somehow, hands probably fisted under the table. He glanced over at her and his face softened and he smiled. Her mother had often told her that they shared a smile, but really they were almost identical. They had the same pale skin, crimson hair, and deep purple eyes. She smiled back for him and that seemed to soothe him.
She caught a glimpse of Ganelon looking over his shoulder and she frowned, following his gaze. The door to the chamber had opened, unheard from Masuku's screaming, and there stood one of their greatest warriors in the doorway with his sword drawn.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hello,
This was a fun read!
I'm really intrigued by the world you have here. It makes me want to read the story these characters are from. Like pkidchick said, I'm really digging the descriptions, and their unique, colorful look. It seems, from the brief glimpse I've gotten here of these people and this world, like quite an interesting, imaginative story and universe.
I also really like how the characters interact with one another; it's enough to give the reader a good sense of their dynamic and feelings toward each other. I also think the flow is nice—it's a short little piece, but you keep things moving at a nice enough pace so it doesn't feel rushed, and each paragraph fits together.
One piece of advice I'd give is in regards to your descriptions. You describe the characters quite a lot.
I appreciate that you're trying to work their descriptions in with subtlety, and the way you go about is fine, but if you use this style of describing (e.g., "she put her bright orange hair into a ponytail"; "he looked at the map with his light green eyes") too often, it starts to sound a little annoying. You don't have to continually describe your characters, or do so right at the start. Wait till an opportunity arises to sneak in an organic, natural description—then lay it on the reader.
Anyway, since there's not a lot of story to really comment on or criticize, I'm mostly going to go ahead and focus on the technical, grammatical side of things. Bear with me.
Let's talk a little about when to use commas in between divided dialogue spoken by one character. What you did with the above—having the comma follow "offered" and lead back into the remainder of Delta's dialogue—is nearly correct, but not quite. The only time this maneuver would be okay is if the first and second part of dialogue are meant to be one sentence, if the first part of the dialogue also ends in a comma, and the second part begins with a lowercase letter. Here're some examples:
Times When a Comma is Appropriate
"Once upon a time," the narrator begins, "in a far-off kingdom at the edge of a wood, there lay a small village."
"Is that," she said, her eyes growing wide, "what I think it is?"
"You have to admit, Chuck," he remarks with a smile, "this is pretty great."
See how, in each of those cases, the first part of dialogue and concluding part of dialogue would, if you remove the "he said/she said" section in between, function as a complete sentence? And how in each example, the first part of dialogue ends with a comma, and the second, concluding part begins with a lowercase letter? Now, if the concluding part began with an uppercase letter, or the first part ended with a period and not a comma, or if the first and second parts didn't go together/work as a whole, coherent sentence on their own, it would not be correct.
You shouldn't use a comma to end a sentence right before a bit of dialogue. Really, the only time when a comma should lead into dialogue would be if the line preceding the comma is something like "I said/he said/my friend asked/my mom shouted." You make this mistake a few times.
Incorrect comma.
Another incorrect comma.
You do make a lot of mistakes involving commas with this piece. If you're confused, I'd suggest looking up the rules of comma usage. It could be a big help.
So, overall: I enjoyed this. It was a nice taste of this world and these people, enough to intrigue me and reel me in. I thought the writing was good, but you do have to work on your comma usage and punctuation. All in all, though, it was a nifty read. (Yes, I did indeed just say 'nifty'...)
Nice work!
Hello Rurouni, hope you're doing grand!
Before I do any reviewing I must say this: I absolutely LOVE your descriptions of these people! Crimson hair....pale skin....deeeep purple eyes.... That is positively ENCHANTING! Where do I find these people and their kind???
But, anyway. Moving on.
Alright, so first off I don't know anything whatsoever about Flight Rising so some references like the Plague-Mother and Vena flushing when she caught her husband looking at her (were they newlyweds or something?) made me stop and go, "whaaa?"
Speaking of the Plague-Mother....
I ask you: Plague-Mother knew what ?! If this has to do with the story you're writing off of, man, I need some help! ;P (The scarring threw me off, as well)
This isn't a HUGE deal but your statements here almost make it sound like Mary was the one surprised, which I don't quite think was your intention....
Maybe you could have said Vena instead of She .
Aaaand that is it for today.
Good luck with all your other works!
rosette
Thank you!
Yes, Plague-mother might be confusing. It's basically saying something alone the lines of "God knew what" like, no one knows. It's one of their gods.
Also, I agree with that line. I'll change it to Vena!
You can find these people on FR, haha! (Really, on the game they're dragons, but, for my purposes...)
Thank you again!
Ahahaha, that's funny. I had a feeling it might be a game!
You're welcome, all the same!