THE SHADOW
THE LESSON OF THE RUBI
Prologue:
I know this is hard, and the words are ringing through my head at the moment, “You can do this!” and “It’s easy! Just a bunch of words, right?” No, it’s not like that at all. This is a story that could happen, to your children’s, children’s- You get the point, but hey, someone has to tell the story, but I couldn’t do it alone. No, it requires effort from all of us, even those who have passed into the world beyond this one. I know, this might get even really confusing at points, but you have to trust me on this one, The Shadow is as old as time itself.
For all those wonder, The Shadow is my mate. He managed to kidnap my heart and I let him, I’m Alexandria Katherine Amor-Shadow, and The Shadow is my mate, and lover.
This is hard for me. I can’t figure out where to begin, there’s just so much you need to know.
But I’ll start at the beginning. And work my way up. How I met not only The Shadow, but his brother. And met my half-sister somewhere along the line. And witnessed the death of a friend.
CHAPTER ONE ALEXANDRIA
A forest is my favorite place to be, lots of old memories, memories can be the make or break of people. Memories of my mom and dad.
My dad. Thinking about him brings tears to my eyes. Bite your lip and clench your teeth, squeeze your eyes shut Alex.
Alec Zajja Amor, my father. He was a young man when he married my mother, and together they had me. My mother is Maxine Rosalina Wasa.
Father, he died of cancer. Lung Cancer. He fought it for a long time, and on the last day of his life, when I turned nine, I saw him. He hugged me, and told me to be a good girl. Weeks later I learned he died that same day.
I was living on my own then, and I had stumbled into him. I remember the feelings I had towards him, unease, discomfort, yet I was happy and felt safe in his warm arms. I haven’t felt that safe ever since.
When I learned he was dead, I had curled up in a small corner and sobbed, and for days I let the hunger pains take over my mind.
Before Father died, I was given to an orphanage at the young age of three.
Horror was all there, human children pulled my feathers out, called me names. I remember nights in my bed with my friend Ashley, we shared the same bed because we were both so small. I sobbed so many times into the pillow, I’m sure I woke her up every night for four years straight. I ran away finally, living on my own for seven years, to the ripe age of fourteen.
During those seven years, I had to steal.
My first steal was meat from a butcher shop; I had snuck in and grabbed a piece of meat, digging into it for a second before the butcher came and threw a knife at me, it hit me. It managed to dig it’s self into my side. I had to stitch it with thread from my clothing.
Everything taught me a lot, and how I never wanted to live like it forever.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Evening! I have been digging around for something to review on this fine review day and your piece of work has caught my interest!
At first glance, I'm a little confused as to what your story is about.
“but you have to trust me on this one, The Shadow is as old as time itself.” - You have my interest straight away but I'm questioning who you are directing this at. (I also have a habit of breaking into that pesky 4th wall)
“No, I can’t tell you who The Shadow is now, that would make you put the book down, when you need to know exactly what happened, and how. I know, I’m a horrible narrator, but I won’t be the only one, and remember, The Shadow will always narrate this story as well, alongside his brother. And just so you know, looks can be deceiving.” - This is a huge mouthful! I think if you could break it down and only put in the key facts then it would read much better. Right now, I'm being overloaded with information that I really don't need to know just yet.
Also – You say that at least three people are going to be narrating at different points so when you move on to the first chapter – I think it would be best if you indicated who is narrating. I'm not sure who is talking!
“Scars and what not have left me lean and experienced.” - I love that you've mentioned scars but the 'what not' is a little vague for my taste. You nee to expand.
Overall – I think this is a really good base for a story! You just need to sort out your facts over what this story is really about. You need to to be prepared for each and every single question a reader could ask you about the world you have created.
Good luck and I look forward to reading some more of your work soon!
HAPPY REVIEW DAY!
Olive <3
Hi Peggy, it’s June here as requested.
My first impression of this piece was that there was a lack of clarity in how you delivered your storytelling. I think you’re onto something in your choice of narration style; if you stick with it, it can take you very far and it works well here. My advice to you throughout this review is going to be catered towards making it stronger, so let’s have a look, shall we?
I get the feeling that you’re trying to portray how difficult this story is to tell us, but your syntax here is a little off and that makes it confusing. I would advise against opening the story with “I know this is hard”, because it’s the narrator experiencing the hardship (implied by the self-reassurance); I would simply say “This is hard for me,” to let the audience know that this takes great effort from the narrator.
You also don’t need a comma after “hard”, dearie, because “and” functions as the connecting word for that sentence.
“children’s, children’s-“ sounds a little off-worded. I think you mean to say it “could happen to your children, or your children’s children—you get the point.”
I also want to point out that a dash is two hyphens together (--); I can’t stress the importance of proper punctuation enough because it tells the reader where to pause and where not to. Essentially, it helps set the pace of your story, dear.
This jump from how difficult this story is to how old The Shadow is feels a little misorganized to me, dear. I would wager to say that this needs some sort of buildup or lead into the discussion about the shadow, because, arguably, The Shadow is a huge part of the story. Why don’t you tell us a tiny bit about why the story of this is so hard? Has The Shadow caused some earthly damage of significant proportions? Has it changed things for the worse? Has it cursed something? Why is this story so hard to tell?
When you include details in a story, include them with conviction. Know WHY you’re telling us something the way you’re telling it to us, and clue us into the why! Otherwise, it feels like you’re exhausting our effort through being cryptic, and we’re reading this because we’re genuinely interested.
The best introductions are the ones that flow seamlessly with the story. If you have to take a break to introduce your character, you’re doing something wrong. That said – here it could work, especially with your first person narrative style, but you’re just telling us her name and not why she’s significant to the story.
My advice to you here (if you want to keep the isolated introduction) would be to tell us where she comes into the story. Was she born in the third year of The Shadow’s visit? Does she become best friends with The Shadow? Is she kidnapped by The Shadow? Don’t leave these questions open-ended for us!
I say this because in the next paragraph, you tell us that you can’t tell us who the Shadow is yet, and I think this is an absolutely perfect setup to lead into that paragraph as long as you tell us who Kat is and why she’s significant to the story. As of now, she seems like a character who just happened to fall into the story and my curiosity is piqued; I want to know more about her. Let’s keep looking:
The way this part is set up makes me wish there was more to it. I feel like the sentence delivery could be stronger, more direct, and more concise; I feel like you’re trying to build suspense but you can’t tell us anything.
Here’s what I would do: if there’s a specific event that is significant to The Shadow’s presence, I would bring that up now. I wouldn’t tell the audience that we can’t know about who the Shadow is yet, I would just delve right into the whys and the whats and the hows because, ultimately, that’s what we’re concerned with.
Until you tell us about his magical abilities, there’s absolutely no way we can understand, dear! You have to break it down for us, tell us why and how and what so that this enigmatic shadow is painted in such detail that we have no questions left.
Combine these sentences, dearie! This can all be made into one sentence; you need to create and maintain an active flow of words here to keep your audience on the same page as you.
Whoa there, cowgirl. Slow down! This is a lot of information for us to take in all at once, and no doubt this was a heavy, calculated discussion. We want to know more about this section of Kat’s life, so give us more detail. Separate this into stages in chronological order: first the cancer, then the orphanage, then the escape.
I was a little surprised to see feathers because I assumed she was a human; here’s something you need to lead us into first. Don’t you think that she being a not-human should have been a detail included when she went to a human orphanage? Did she struggle with identity issues? Details! We want them.
Was this before or after the orphanage? What prompted her to leave?
Fragment! Consider revising, dearie. Should be “Doing things by yourself, and feeding yourself [is hard] [gets exhausting] [gets lonely]” It needs some other detail in there.
It sounds like your narrator is trying to level with the audience and have us sympathize with her, but how can we? Tell us about the first time she stole – perhaps she crept up to a baker’s street stand and stole a loaf of bread, too hungry to resist tearing into it as she scurried away. If you paint a picture of how hungry she was, how desperate she was, we can sympathize and say, oh! She wasn’t that bad. She was just a poor hungry girl, but as you have it, we can’t. No one likes a thief.
Cut this paragraph. I say this because I think you could infer these details without telling us this paragraph dear; why don’t you show us examples of times where she beat herself up trying to repent for her actions, or a time where she assaulted a stranger because she felt threatened. Details like this will bring your story to life.
Comma is unnecessary! I don’t understand why the blood and paint – tell us?
To be honest, I don’t understand this paragraph, dear. Why has she been sewn up? Were they battlewounds or self-inflicted? Why were her wings preened and pulled? Best of all, I just don’t understand the chocolate and pillow fluff at all, so please, explain.
I was a little tossed on this closing, but I do like it because it sounds like she’s owning up to what she inevitably is. I would take out the “somehow” because it kind of feels like she’s unsure of herself, and you want to make her sound – for lack of a better word—awesome.
SO. In closing, a few things to point out:
Introduction: Your introduction is your one-hit-wonder, your only chance to impress your audience. Here I feel like you dwelt a little bit on the details of why you can’t tell us when I felt like you should have just jumped straight into the juicy details of whys and what happeneds. One think you did well was setting the tone of an uncertain situation – it felt like the character was in a dangerous situation and couldn’t reveal details of her whereabouts; setting a tone first thing is difficult to do, but you managed to do it, so thumbs up.
Punctuation: Your punctuation needs work. You use it, which is great, but in a few places you confuse a dash (--) for hyphen (-). A hyphen connects, a dash breaks; don’t confuse the two!
Also! Your commas were a little misplaced in some parts, so I’d recommend keeping a good eye out for those. You used them where you shouldn’t have in some places, so a good rule of thumb is to remember that a comma is a pause.
Timing & Pacing: At some points in this story I felt like things were moving too fast (orphanage). My advice to you would be to always, always, always list events in chronological order as they happen – otherwise it’s just too much of a jumble to keep track of—and other times, make sure that they’re evenly paced. Things in life don’t happen like a car crash (ie, all at once). They happen with a build up, and you should portray this in your story.
One thing you did well was setting the pace to feel like it was leading into a bigger, more significant event which is good, but you need to remember that the past dictates the present sometimes, and when it does, we need to know.
Keep writing,
June
So! I promised a review, did I not? Well, here I am.
My first impression wasn't a very positive one. There is absolutely nothing I see in Kat that makes her different from all the other clamoring, ill-written YA female protagonists.
How is she different? Why do you think she's special, and not boring?
She was abandoned and is now a thief. Oh yeah, she's also different. There is not a single characteristic that makes her unique, at least, not in my eyes. She's not original, special, unique in any way, I'm sorry to say.
I can't even give a positive comment on your writing method. Kat describes herself in a very bland way. You tell us she has a dark, tormented, oh so angsty past, you don't show us. I can't relate to her, yours are just empty words. Pain and suffering... empty words. They mean nothing. Nothing. You should provide flashbacks, snippets, and possibly narrate this with a stronger voice. Write out the abuse scene, detail per detail, or perhaps what happened before, or afterwards. Show us the life at the orphanage. Show us. Don't tell us! That's the first mistake bad YA makes. It shows, it doesn't tell.
And then, you de-evolve into your last paragraph. That's just so wrong on so many levels. She's tasted chocolate and... pillow fluff? What the hell? HOW does this make sense. Just, how. You throw this completely random paragraph and don't justify it at all. And then you end the chapter. It's not a teaser. It backfired horribly. It doesn't make me want to keep reading, anxious to find out more about Kat. It makes me want to put down the book in disgust.
Your main issue is the fact you tell us, you don't show us. There's no description, no action. The story isn't placed in time or space. Your character's thoughts are bland, and clearly come from an author which does not know how to convey emotion. Draw upon your own feelings of misery and transcribe them onto paper. Then edit to fit Kat's personality. Use anecdotes, flashbacks, whatever, just make it visceral and realistic. Until then, this will remain horribly bland YA crap. And with that, I'm done.
~Ita.
Ok...so let me go ahead and tell you that you have done a good job at writing this, and I would love to read more and see how Kat develops and her adventures.
But I think there are some things that you might want to change before you continue.
What I would really love to see from the prologue is a set up for what the rest of the story will be based off of. Like you said, you should never tell what the Shadow is because what would be the point of continuing the surprise and suspense would be, just put down the book. I just think that you should give us a hint of what those two have in common.
Can you tell us more about the orphanage? More of her experience than people being mean to her?
And the last part, what is a Homo Flacus? I actually did look it up thinking it had an actual meaning, but I couldn't find anything but this page. So since you came up with the term explain more of what she is. I understand you say that there are many like her, but what are they? What mythical creature is she close to, I want to have the mental picture of what she and her kind look like. I want to be able to imagine everything.
But, seriously, please write more. I want to see her grow, and develop. She has so much potential to be a great character. So please, I want more! I can see myself getting really hooked into this!
Well, seeing you looked it up, I made up the Homo Flacus. It's a species purely my own. I'll make sure to put up a thing on what they are so everyone reading The Shadow knows! Thanks for the review!
Your plot is quite interesting, though from what you've written here not much can be taken from it. You were quite vague when giving away information on what the story is actually about, that may be due to the fact that you haven't written much. The part about the character being 'Homo Flacus' slightly confused me as I've never heard the term before so I feel you could have developed on that to give a bit of insight. Parts of the prologue also didn't make sense; such as 'Memories can be the make or break of people.' This could have been written more clearly by saying 'Memories can make or break people.' or 'The making or breaking of people.'
I think once you've grasped the tricky grammar points and maybe do some of the points suggested by myself or on other reviews then you'll be a fantastic writer. Best of luck ^-^
Your plot seems quite interesting and I like that you are teasing the audience without giving too much information away. I also like you keep some mystery about the character. However, there isn't really any clue as to what the story is about and your main problem is that you just haven't written enough. Try writing out some more of the story within this chapter. Have an event from the plot happen. Nothing big, just something that actually gives an idea about the story. While you're writin, you might want to consider some of the grammar points I've pulled out because some of them are reoccurring.
You don't need a comma here.
The you should have a lowercase y.
Using two buts in a sentence can sound a little clumsy so try rewording this.
The syntax here is quite confusing. I think you mean something like "this might even get really confusing..." but I'm not sure.
A comma doesn't work here. Try a semicolon or a hyphen instead.
This doesn't make sense. Either "the making or breaking of people" or "Memories can make or break people."
Also, you shouldn't put a comma before an and - the and does all the work.
These are all things that you will get better at doing over time. When writing, ask yourself, "Does this make sense? Do I have a subject and verb in every sentence?" After a while it'll become second nature to you and I'm sure that once you get a good grip of these quite tricky grammar points you'll be a fantastic writer. You have some good ideas and a knack for creating mystery. Keep writing and good luck.
Um...What is this story about? It gave me a clue at the prologue, but even then it was vague. It was a good story, don't get me wrong, but I am a little hesitant because of it being that way, but you caught my in the description. And what in the world is a Homo Flacus????? And if it was latin, it should be slanted, like any other language. Is it a falcon?? Because if it is, it would be a whole lot easier to say that. But hey, it was a good story... just don't expect me here next time... Or maybe I should go when the time comes...