CHAPTER TWO ALEXANDRIA
A forest so deep, I myself haven’t even been to every corner. My home is a small cabin I found, and I’ve lived in it ever since.
Its wood is beautiful and strong. The bed is soft, and the fire is warm. I don’t need any more creature comforts, food in my belly, and a pillow to rest my head upon. This is all I need to survive, and so, it’s all I have. I need no TV or internet or anything else. Nature is my entertainment.
Now I sit near the fire cross legged and warm my hands, throwing wood on the dying flame. I watch embers fly, and I scoot back a bit. The fire is too warm to be close to and be comfortable. I stretch out my legs and sigh, leaning back on the palms of my hands, feeling the loose bark fill the space where my palm doesn’t touch the ground. I close my eyes, hearing the wood crack.
I hear a knock on my door and my eyes fly open. Inhaling deeply, I grab my knife and stand carefully. Whatever it is knocks again, I walk over and slowly turn the doorknob, the knife hidden behind my back. I open it and find myself face to face with a man.
“Hello,” he smiles revealing his fangs at once.
“Hello.” I reply, “What are you doing here?”
“I saw this and wanted to see if anyone was home.” He replies. My eyes go to the three most likely spots where a weapon could be concealed; the belt, the waist and the arms. My eyes watch his body shift and step forward, I step back instinctively.
“Why are you scared?”
“It’s not every day some man knocks on my door.”
“I’m a Homo Flacus. No issue.” He replies. I step outside and he moves back, seeing my unease.
“What’s your name?” I ask him.
“Aaron, Aaron Fang Shadow. Call me Fang. And you?”
“Alexandria Katherine Amor. Call me Kat.”
I raise my hand and he shakes it. I give a small smile, “Nice to meet you.” He nods, “I’ve got to go. I’ll see you later.” He walks away and opens his huge wings, they look like razor blades, blue razor blades in the shape of wings. He gives a hard push off the ground, and he’s away.
I sit back down in my home and think about his features. He has black hair and emerald eyes. His body is lean and designed for speed. He has tan olive skin. He has well developed muscles, and his fangs are developed.
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Ok. What is a Homo Flacus?
A Homo Flacus is a creature made by my imagination! Isn't that wonderful?
Well to begin, they have wings, both males and females.
Flight begins around 11 and continues on until they are too old and stiff to fly.
At the age of 16, they go through a development stage., their wings grow to their full length.
They have one inch long fangs and a toxic venom. The venom can kill a human in a minute.
They are extremely strong, some males being able to crush a man's skull. Though most can unless weakened by an injury or a permanent injury.
Females aren't as strong, but they are deadly.
Females also have something called 'Heat' where a scent is emmited through glands in the neck, making males possesive and agressive towards eachother. The heat lasts for ten days and grows stronger and stronger each day. The heat makes the males want to mate with their mate, but they don't do so until the age of about twenty.
They are mated by ceremony, known as Mental Mating.
Physical Mating is done after courting, (which includes kissing touching of the wings and hair, and much more *clears throat)
Physical Mating is like human mating, but longer and more bonding.
That is the Homo Flacus, questions?
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140,707 Literary Works • 673,673 Reviews
Ooookay, hey Shadow Wings/ Pegasus, Black here for a nice review day review.
Good luck!
So, usually I start a review by trying to encourage my writers, and point out their strong points -their strengths and good areas, but today I'm going to just go through things by-the-feel. Whatever that is -_-.
So first thing I want to talk about is your prospectivity (yeah, new word -it means your prospective-ness). Now I'll give you this: You have a darn lot of it. Your idea (though drawing from certain mushy romance cliche's I could name), is, I think, original. I have a feeling that you've thought through it a lot, and have your story world built up in your mind. You know what you're working with.
Now if I had to guess, you have your idea in your head . . . but you just don't know exactly how to put it down. Now creating a story plan in your head is no easy task at all. Ever. But putting it down is a whole different story. Being able to put your ideas down into an interesting story is indeed an art. So here are some hints to presenting your story world's points and details.
Rule Number One: SHOW, DON'T TELL.
Rule Number Two: KNOW THE FINE LINE OF HOW MUCH INFORMATION IS TOO MUCH.
Rule Number Three: BE CONSCIOUS OF WHEN AND HOW YOU DIVULGE YOUR INFORMATION.
I actually just made those up, but seeing as I have some minimal experience in the area, they should pass. So let me explain in more detail what your problem is. The 'Show Don't Tell' rule is a VERY important rule, it means you can't try to describe everything. Instead of saying 'a fireplace lay in one corner, and a couch was situated opposite it on the marble floor' (describing the view to the reader), you'd go 'Ivan slowly removed his gloves, the heat from the fireplace instantly beginning to clean the iciness from his body, and pacing across the floor, his shoes creaking on the smooth marble tiles, dropped into a couch' (have your MC see and feel everything that happens -giving your reader the direct effect).
But there was something wrong with that sentence that I supplied you as an example, wasn't there? The problem was that it broke rule #2. It simply fed you TOO much information. It tried to overload you. When a reader reads a story he/ she want's to feel EMOTIONS. They want to LIVE the story. The best way to do that is to be direct and to the point -but use action. Is the couch important to the scene? Does the marble floor somehow show wealth that is note-worthy? Is the fireplace somehow spectacular?
Let's retry: "Ivan nodded to Mrs. Kerson and quickly slipped into the General's office. Instantly he sat down facing the General's desk". This is better, it describes things in a better POV -with better results- and is, in my opinion, slightly more interesting than either of the previous ones.
Okay, though that one was better -in a way- but it broke rule #3 (and #2 -in a way), in that it didn't give ENOUGH information -and it presented it in the wrong way anyway (so that's not important). I could have said "Ivan nodded to General Kymore's pretty secretary, and pulling the door open nodded briskly to the General's silently waiting form, and dropped into a couch opposite the fireplace".
Now THAT'S better . . . but still not good. It needs help. What it needs is directness. Reader's best immerse themselves into a story when they can see and feel what a character does DIRECTLY. I SHOULD have gone like "'Morning Mrs. Kerson', Ivan smiled to the General's pretty secretary, and taking a deep breath turned to the door. Pulling it open he stepped inside, don't mess up, man! Quickly he nodded to his senior and briskly dropped into a couch."
You analyze that and tell me what made it better! But anyway, point being is that you break these three rules again and again and again. Your entire story is out of phase in that it SERIOUSLY needs to be more direct. Your MC (main character) needs to feel, see and think about what she see's a LOT more than she does. You break rule #3 in that you describe the entire second half of the chapter in a horrible style -giving your readers valuable information you should save till later on.
Why give these details now? Wouldn't it be more interesting if you put them in through what your MC feels and see's? Wouldn't that be more entertaining? Think about it . . . and try it out a bit if that suits you. But, I've got good news! Though you REALLY need to try to personalize (and intimate) your writing here, you DO have the details here. If you have details then you can figure out where to put them!
Okay, point made: End to end, your writing is information overload. You need to turn it into an interesting story, with action!
Now for some nit-picking (then a couple suggestions) and that'll be it. I will, as I usually would, be giving you an example of a problem of yours, fixing it, then trying to generalize, so stay conscious of that. Here goes!
Okay, two things. You need a colon after the 'CHAPTER TWO' because otherwise it's one sentence (which might even make sense if you turned the 'two' into 'too'). The second thing is that the second sentence makes practically no sense. Read it to yourself. Don't mind, every writer has to start somewhere (I remember my writing used to be like this). But you still have a problem. You need to reform things to make them make more sense. Imagine you're telling the story aloud. What would you say.
Why don't you say something more easy going and fun, like "Welcome to my home, ______ Forest. It's kind of strange, I've lived here for X years, but I still haven't explored all of my home even . . . but that's my fate. The forest wasn't made to be explored.' That's better, but NOT perfect, it would be better if you could introduce this information DIRECTLY from the MC. MUCH better (Note: You would save the information in the second part of the sentence to be shown by the MC later). But you need to personalize things. Turn information giving into action and words.
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Uh, you can put in the details on the 'mental mating' thing, because that isn't clear, but why are you going into the obvious. Just use the second line and live with it. It'll do fine, don't you worry! Really though, explain what we don't know, if you must explain it and not show it, and leave the obvious out (with maybe a quick hint or two thrown in).
Do explain how. Either explain now or save the details up for later on (to catch us readers by surprise and give us the jolt and lurv we want!).
Do explain! How can they be physical when they're made by imagination? Don't be weak with that last piece too . . . watch yourself. You sound sarcastic with it. Try not to list your information, try to make it interesting to read (though, of course, I think you'd do better to present it through out the story -not all now).
Okay, I'm getting drawn out here. I have to go! Good night! And good work! You really aren't doing bad here! You have a lot of prospective! REMEMBER: Keep writing! Do that and you WILL improve! Remember to work on improving your style, plotting a bit more, and showing instead of telling!
P.s. If you wanna follow up on this review then do so by PM. If you wanna be really nice then PM me what you would rate this review as on a scale of one to twenty. Thanks!
~Black~
Wow, this is really interesting! The whole idea of a Homo Flacus is a very original and compelling one. I especially like the idea of 'Heat.' I would definitely like to see more of the Homo Flacus in action.
I also think the idea of Alexandria living in a forest by herself is interesting and one I would like to learn more about.
All in all, you did a good job of enticing the reader.
Ah, apologies. My review wants very decent so I have removed it. Sorry you didn't get to see it but you really would have wanted to.
Don't think I understand.