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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hello! I've seen you around before, and I'd like to review this beautiful (and deadly) poem of yours. May I begin?
Nitpicks:
I realize that most of these stanzas have different numbers of lines in each one. Maybe you could fix that? It looks uneven, and doesn't balance with the rest of the stanzas.
Spoiler
3rd stanza, first line. I think that "one" should be "once", right?
5th stanza, fifth line. "inly"? What's "inly"? Maybe it's "only" correct? PUN? PUNS ARE FUN?
Please Read:
Spoiler
Perhaps the problem to this stanza is how the comma between stain and his clothes don't really make much sense. Unfortunately, that makes it seem like you need a pause right there. This would probably be better off without the extra line, and just keep the first line with "his clothes" added onto the end.
The third line doesn't make sense to me either. Consider fixing it up?
Why is there a small split between stanza three and four? Smash those two stanzas together (deleting a few things and adding just a bit) and make ONE stanza!
Again, the problem for the third and fourth lines is the same for the second stanza. Please, consider revising.
This is a wonderful way to end the poem. An applause for you! *claps*
Great work overall! I got the message, and it focused on one thing!
Again, awesome job. This is great, so keep writing!
Hi again, Peg
Random note: Your chapter (that I just reviewed) was awesome, and I'd like to read more any day of the week lol
Anyhoo, as far as this piece goes, I thought it was extremely clever, and it really makes you think about it. If it were fleshed out a bit more, it would be even more interesting. I would build more on it, if I were you, but that's just a suggestion.
There were a few minor flaws, but nothing that can't be edited or reworded. Again, my advice would be that you could really make something out of this if you crafted more into it.
Anyhoo, thanks for the read ^-^
Catnip~
Hi welcome to YWS! Your poem has great potential but there are some things however I'd like to suggest, which will hopefully help improve your poem even more.
Firstly your stanzas have an unequal amount of lines, make sure to split them up in quatrains. You also have a typo at the end on your poem make sure to proof read your work before submitting. The title could also be edited to something like the killer who once loved or the loving killer something liked that. Now onto the poem..
It's a creative and interesting idea of a killer who as once a lover. But without giving away too much could you somehow hint what led the lover into becoming a killer because that's a pretty big jump! what broke/enraged the love in his heart so badly to become a killer? Add some emotion to it so the reader can feel somewhat sympathetic to this killer.
To create more suspense to your poem you could add a twist at the end to leave us still questioning this killer, but in the poem you haven't really explained how he is a killer, who he killed, why he killed, if he'll always be a killer. The story of the killer here isn't really flowing well together maybe start off your poem with this stanza;
A killer who one was
Not a killer.
But a lover.
A loved who turned into,
The Killer.
Then develop it from here, try editing this poem in general and see what you come up with, overall great job on this keep writing! you can message me if you would like another review or something anyways keep it up
-Infinity
Hi Pegasusgirl2!
I really liked this poem it was very clever,not many people think like that,it's very good!
I only have one thing to point out,it may have been better if you put 'A killer who one was not a killer.' and 'but a lover.a loved who turned into,the killer' into one paragraph,also did you mean lover when you wrote 'a loved'?Anyway this Poem was great,I'll give it a 10/10.Well done!
-Hanorah
First of all Welcome to YWS. I would like to point out the the capitalization of several letters and the punctuation marks found in each line. This is a good start and Keep Writing.
The poem doesn't have much substance. No extremely high value. That's okay though. I can tell you are only just starting out here, so don't feel bad, it's not horrible in any way. I can easily see that. A poem about a man/woman who used to be an actual lover, but was encompassed into madness is a great poem to start out with. Keep up the good work!