Survivors Chapters 1,2,3 plus Prologue

Hello.

I see you've already gotten comments on the formatting, so I'll keep it short: new paragraph for every time you change who's speaking.

That out of the way, I want to move onto the content itself.

Your prologue could really use some work. The thing about prologues is, they have to fit one of three criteria:

1- Be interesting
2- Provide information that cannot be given through the story any other way but a prologue.
3- Are a self-contained story in and of themselves.

Most prologues are actually pretty useless. They don't make much sense, and/or provide information we'll get later in the story anyway. It looks like your prologue will be repeated later, or at the very least the information can be worked into the story later. That sort of plot information is actually pretty easy to work into a story and doesn't require being lumped into a prologue for the sake of having the info at the start of the story.

A good prologue is Beauty and the Beast's. The stained glass story explaining the Beast's creation before we even get to see Belle. This prologue hits all points I mentioned before.

1- It's told in a fairy tail style, and establishes the character through the action of him turning away the old woman. Most of us are captivated upon hearing "once upon a time", so this checks out.

2- It would've stopped the story cold had the rose been explained, and it would've been an awkward pause in the main plot to infodump about how he was created. Not to mention, totally out of character for the secretive castle folk. Therefore, we likely wouldn't have found out without the prologue.

3- The ending of "Who could ever learn to love a beast?" might be open and immediately answered by showing Belle, but the story can finish there and be satisfying. People might immediately start making up their own stories if given with such an answer, but it's still enough of a final that you can stick a "the end" on there be done.

If your prologue doesn't hit all those points, cut it. If it can be reworked to fit those points, keep it.

As for the story itself, you aren't really using first person as effectively as you could. First person has the advantage of giving us full access into the character's head, and if you can switch the story to third person without changing anything in the story, you're not using first person as effectively as you could be.

To get more effective first person, add in the character's voice and filter everything they see through that voice. Here is a post I wrote up that gives the importance of voice and how to develop it.

Once you have a stronger voice, you'll be able to develop a connection with readers. Right now, the narrator is just relaying actions and dialogue; he's not really involved in how we perceive the story. Once he's reacting to the story, and giving commentary on what's going on around him in the form of his thoughts, then you'll have a much stronger narrative.

Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey

Kayfortnight here to review your piece

In my opinion, you introduce too many characters, too quickly. It's dizzying, and I have trouble attaching names to faces to personalities. Instead of dropping all the names n the prologue like that, maybe try introducing the most important people and leaving anybody else alone, spacing out the introductions?

I like how you thrust right into the story and drop a few hints here and there about the backstory. It makes this easier to follow than if you never mentioned what happened, but also keeps the story moving forward so it doesn't stagnate and become boring.

How long after the disaster is it? I know this is fiction, but if it hasn't been very long, the social norms would still be fairly similar to beforehand. If it's been a generation or even longer, then I can understand why characters didn't mind being seen naked and Jass wasn't very surprised or depressed at seeing dead bodies. Just something to consider if you're going for realism.

You have some typos and grammar/punctuation errors, but I won't waste your time pointing those out when Auxira already did.

Bye!

Hey Peggy! Auxiira here to review as I promised.

I am going to take the whole text, put it in a quote and put the corrections in red first whilst doing formatting, then I'll give you my overall impressions, since I can see a lot to be done just in the first paragraph. Comments will be in blue at the end of each chapter or paragraph, depending on where I feel it needs commenting.

Survivors Prolugue:
Its It's just us. A small clan of eight. I'm sure there are others out there, but where? My clan consits of my wife, Laira, and my only son, Charge and his good friends, Josh, Felix, Tabitha, Jass, and Jewels. My worries are only for him, Charge, for his friend, Felix is fighting him for Jewels. And if they don't stop fighting for her, one of them may become hurt. I worry about Charge as he and Felix are fighting over Jewels and if they don't stop fighting them one of them may become hurt.
Our world is upside down. A huge natrualnatural disaster destroyed much of mankind. Our buildings have collapsed, and those who still live are not very well, except for us. We have found a way to be one with the wind and wild. We are one of few clans, and we are the best, though another clan is thriving as we speak. they have little for a place of home. They have little in the way of a home, whilst While we have a large domain, a beautiful forest, small grassland, and river. We constantly protect it and fight off tresspassers. Charge seems to see the world as a huge playground, and loves to risk climbing up trees to show off to Jewels, Felix is the same way. Its a story of risk and reward. This is a story of risk and reward.

-This is an okay prologue, but it's a little bit of an info dump. Sure you tell us who the main characters of the upcoming story are going to be, but I find the first bit, about Charge and Felix fighting, is a little redundant, unless the story is going to be about just that.
-You seem to have a slight problem with its. If you want it to be the contraction of "it is", then you put "it's"(It's such a shame). If it's the something belonging to something, then you put "its" (Its feet stank).
-Quite a few of your chars' names start with J. Maybe think about changing that. But that's just a side point.

CHAPTER ONE CHARGE:
"Up!" comes (barks maybe?) a harsh voice. I moan and open my eyes. "Up! I said Up!" Comes repeats the voice. I turn over on my back. "Its not time to sleep in. We have to get up."says my father, Drake.
"Ok." I yawn. I look over to see Jewels giggling. Felix sits up from his blankets, which is too close to Jewels for my comfort. "Move away from her." I say.
"No, she invited me to sleep here, why should I agrue with her?" he asks.
"Because I am the prince. Move away from her." I snarl.
"She invited me in her own blanket, I am not one to argue with the woman." he snaps back.
"Fine! I should have your head on my wall!" I snap. Felix narrows his eyes.
"She invited me in her blanket, so I'm hers, and she's mine." Felix says tauntingly. I hiss and move the blanket off myself. I rub my eyes and arch my back, and moan.
"I slept good, how about you?" I ask.
"It was a little hard," Jewels says after Felix has walked out of our hut, "He is very restless, moves around a lot. It was hard to get comfortable," she says.
"I got an open spot, right here next to me," I say, "You're welcome to snuggle next to me for a few minutes."

There's some missing action here. We don't know that Felix has left the hut until after Charge asks Jewels how she slept. We can see the characters' emotions, but it isn't betrayed in their actions very well.

She smiles and snuggles up in my blanket. I grab a shirt and put it on, and find some clean jeans, a few clothes I have that were machine made. Jewels eyes watch every detail while I clothe. dress
"Its a shame," she says a few minutes as I begin to put my jeans on.
"Whats a shame?" I ask, pausing.
"Those machines, they made wonderful clothing. Like your jeans. And shirt," she says, "And my shirt and jeans, bra, underwear, all that good stuff,"
"What about my underwear?" I ask out of pure joke. This last bit doesn't make sense. "I ask jokingly" makes a little more sense
She smiles and shakes her head, "You're not wearing any," she says laughing. She is right. I feel my face flush.
"Very funny, what did you do with my underwear?" I ask with a laugh.
"I hid it," she laughs.
"Where did you hide it?" I ask pulling my jeans up and buttoning them.
"You'll have to find out," she says throwing the blanket at me. I laugh and I grab her.
"Come on, where'd you put them?" I ask.
"Well, first, I lathered them in rotten meat, and hung them in a tree, I'm sure a bear has gotten to them by now." She says smiling. I roll my eyes.
"Really, Jewels," I groan.

She laughs, and hugs me.
"I love messing with you! But I really did that," she says into my hair.
"Why?"
"I don't know. That way its one less thing for me to wash," I laugh and hug her back. "I need to get dressed," She says parting our embrace.
"Well, I'll watch you since you watched me," I say smiling. She laughs. She pulls off her shirt, and folds it neatly. She puts on her bra, and another shirt. Then she pulls off her short, and underwear, she folds these neatly also, and puts clean underwear on, and jeans. She stretches and yawns.
"Happy you saw me naked?" She asks.
"Yup, had my excitement for the day," I say with a smirk. She plants a kiss on my cheek, and walks out of the hut. While I ponder of the fact that about why she touched my underwear in the first place, I get up and duck through the flap over the entrance. and stand up, and breathe in the crisp air. Standing up, I breathe in the crisp air Jewels hands me breakfast, a turkey leg, I smile. I bite off a chunk and savour it.
"Would you like some?" I ask.
She smiles warmly, "Sure." I hold it while she bites some meat off. She moans as she chews. Felix glares at me and brushes past Jewels. Josh is up, he walks over to me and smiles.
"Huh?" I ask while I take a bite out of the turkey leg.
"Its Tabitha. She got the turkey," he says. I nod while I chew,
"She's our best female hunter," I say.

Tabitha is Josh's girl. They've been together even before the world went upside down. Jewels bites off more meat, and smiles. Her hand comes up and wipes turkey of my lips. We look into eachother's eyes, Josh sensing what is going on, walks away to see Tabitha.
"You had turkey there," Jewels says breaking the silence between us. I nod and let out a huff or air,
"You could of just kissed it off." She shakes her head.
"Not while Felix is around, he'll hurt you." she says sadly.
"Who cares?" I ask. She shrugs and goes on tip toes and gives me a kiss. I smile, and share the rest of my turkey leg with her. Dad walks over to me and smiles,
"I see you two have made a lovely connection, sharing food. Good job." He says.
"Dad, I was doing that to be nice. Felix has basically taken her from me." I say. I feel Jewels rest her head on my chest.
"She's no ones, she's open to either of you," Dad says.
"No," comes Jewels quite voice, "He is very controlling, he only wants me to talk to him. But, I cannot marry Charge, I am not worthy,"
"Yes, you are!" Dad says.
"I do not feel like it. I don't think I have proved proven myself enough," she replies.
"Charge! Come quick! Look what I find!" Comes Jass's voice. I step away from Jewels and sprint to him, he's the youngest, at the age of six.
"What?" I ask slowling down. He points over to a body on a log.

-So. After having put this into the proper format, with each new line of speech from a new speaker on a new line, we see that this chapter is mainly dialogue. Yech. You definitely have a problem with contractions. From this chapter onwards, I'm going to put words that are contractions in green, and you can fix it yourself.
-He sleeps naked? How on earth did he not notice that he wasn't wearing any underwear. I mean for me, it's the first thing that I put on...
-Would a teen girl (which is what I'm guessing her age is) really watch a teen boy get dressed then let him look at her naked if he's not her boyfriend?
-Also: Charge is a prince. Of what?
-Charge's dad is slightly weird. Why would he come over and say something like that? It's kinda ... disturbing.
-even a six year old can recognise a dead body. I think that Jass would be panicking, even just a little bit...

CHAPTER TWO CHARGE:
I slowly walk towards the body, unsure what awaits me. Jewels guides brings Jass close to her, holding his tiny body close. She pick him up and sets him on her hip. I nudge the body with my foot and end up rolling it off the log. I walk around the log and kneel next to it. I turn it over, and gasp. It a woman. Dead. I can tell before I even check her pulse. The way her body is, so fragile, so weak, I press my lips together. She's gone, her eyes stare up at the sky. I breathe out a heavy breathe. She looks so familar, she looks like Jass, then I realize, its Jass's mother. I've seen her once before. Images of her flicker in my head. Her crying, handing Jass to me, telling me to protect him. It seems she didn't make it far. Her body is all skins and bones, and is atracting attracting flies already. I notice blood, and move her around until I find the source, through the back of the neck.

I remember her when she was alive, she was pregnant when the world went upside down, Jass's little brother/sister is dead now. I curse silently under my breathe, another human dead.
"Charge, who is it?" comes Jewels' voice.
"Jass, go back to camp. Wait until we come back," I say.
"Okay! Can I see the body?"
"No, do what I said." I say firmly. I hear Jewels' footsteps, and I feel her squat next to me.
"Who is she?" She asks, her eyes searching my face.
"Jass's mother. She was pregnant. But she's dead now." I say swatting a fly off my arm. Jewels gasps.
"What happened to the baby?" she asks.
"Probably died. And if it lived, must be in a clan. She looks like she couldn't feed herself, let alone a baby." I say.
"How many-"
"Seven." I answer before Jewels can ask.
"Thats horrible, its been-"
"Five months. The baby would have been born by now. Gosh. Its such a tragic thing, we could have taken care of it like we took care of Jass. Well, we should bury her." I say.
"Look, what's this?" Jewels asks moving something out of the log, its a bundle.
"Open it." I say. Jewels does.
"Its the baby." Jewels says.

I take the bundle from her.
"The baby is-" I pause while I check its pulse, "dead."
"Are you sure?" Jewels asks. I check again, then a feel a small beat, then another,
"Its alive, just barelY. Must be sick. Here, take this to my mother, don't let Jass see." I say handing her the bundle. She runs off. I see a chain around Jass's mothers neck, and break it off, its a locket. I open it, inside is a picture of Jass, when he was little. I check her body for other objects, but only find a small knife. I stand up and walk back to my mother and father's hut. I duck trhouth through[/s] the flap.
"[color=green]Its a miralce miracle." My mother says.
"How?" I ask.
"She shouldn't be alive. Poor thing is skin and bones. I'm afriad she won't live, she's too weak." Mom says, handing Jewels the baby.
"Can we show Jass his little sister?" Jewels asks.
"Yes. Its (Is the baby a girl or a boy? "it" is like calling the baby an object) the last of his family. Let him see her, before she goes." Mom says her voice breaking. She wipes her eyes. Jewels nods and walks out, I follow.
"Jass, come here."

Jewels' voice is breaking. He runs up to us. Jewels sits down on the ground next to him.
"This is your baby sister." she says.
"Wow, I'm a big brother!" Jass says jumping up and down.
"Listen," Jewels says, "She isn't going to live, she is dying. Your mother is dead too. I'm sorry Jass." Jass freezes. Then bolts off after his mother's dead body, calling,
"Mom! Mom!" I bolt after him, and grab him up before he can reach her,
"Let me go! I want to see my Mommy!" he cries squirming.
"Jass, she's dead, she can't hug you or talk, she's gone." I say. Jass looks up at me, and begins to sob. I walk back slowly, while Jass cries into my shirt. Then I realize Jewels is crying, the baby is gone. This is a normal thing for us, we find dead bodies all the time, but we don't know them, usually, this is such a sad thing, it seems to have hit all of us. Felix and Josh go to burry bury the baby and mother, while Jewels collects herself.
"Next we're going to find my dad probably!" Jass sobs. Sounding a lot older.
"Its okay, you have us, they gave you to us to take care of you. You're dad is probably alive, somewhere. Come on, lets go play in the creek." I say walking down to the creek.

-You seem to also have a problem with possessive apostrophe's. Not much but a little. If someone's name finishes by a s, then you put the possessive apostrophe after the s, like I've done for you in the text. (I haven't put it in red, so you'll have to look) (Jewels')
-"How many-" "Seven." This part is a little confusing. I don't understand what she's asking...
-"It's very coincidental, and if the baby's just going to die anyway, then is there really any point in them finding it? Just pointing that out.
-The double use of bolt in the last paragraph is to be avoided. There are a lot of other verbs out there. Find one.

CHAPTER THREE CHARGE:
You would not believe how quickly Jass gets over things, a few minutes later, he was laughing while I chased him around the creek. Yes, a seventeen year old, chasing a six year old around, pretty fun if you ask me. I couldn't help but laugh as I nearly lost my footing while I chased him on the slick mud. Then, Jass, stopped dead in his tracks, I nearly ran into him, but mamaged to stop. Jass points, and I see it, another body. Gosh, people are really going down hill. I walk through the slick mud, and turn the body over, a girl. I put my hand to her neck, feeling for the pulse. I feel her pulse drum against my fingers, she's alive. I quickly examine her, why did she stop here? Is she sick? I find a few battle wounds, and come to the conclusion that she was knocked out. I pick her up, and follow Jass back to our 'village'.
"Look what I found." I say, walking past Felix, who hisses. Dad walks over and examines her, he points to our baths, and nods. I walk over there, and set her on the ground. I uncloth her and set her in the warm bath water, her body is skinny, and in a way, kind of a hourglass figure. In the middle of her bath, her eyes flicker open.
"Who are you?" she asks grabbing my wrist.
"I'm Charge. You where were hurt. I'm giving you a bath." I say.
"I can take care of myself." she says trying to get up, but the truth is, she's sick. So weak from exhaustion, and a sickness. I'm not sure what sickness, but I know its a sickness. She gives up and slumps in the bath water.
"Who are you?" I ask while I scrub her back.
"Silver."
"What are you doing in our territory?" I ask.
"I was attacked, I think I killed her. She stumbled off, then I passed out." Silver says.
"Did she have a baby with her?" I ask.
"Maybe, I don't know." Silver says. I pick her up, and help her stand up while she clothes dresses herself. She has long black hair, and beautiful blue eyes. Felix puts an arm around Jewels shoulders and smirks. I ignore him, Silver is my priority now, I have to take care of her.
"I'm going to take care of you." I say. She blinks up at me,
"Thank you." she whispers, then her eyes flicker shut.

-I don't feel that even a hyperactive six year old would get over his mother dying that quickly. Maybe after a few days or so.
-I note that the girl didn't exactly say why she was on their territory, but why she was hurt. I don't know whether this was deliberate or not, so I'm pointing it out.
-Rather than sickness, you can say illness, maybe. Disease, ailment, there are a lot of more interesting words.
-How does Silver think that she killed Jass' mum if the latter stumbled away?

Overall:
-I think that you have a very good base idea here, but it really needs to be edited and embellished.
-You can roll all of these chapters into one. You're just seperating actions that go together and making it harder to read.

-Your girls don't seem to mind guys looking at them whilst they're naked. I don't know if that much has changed after the natural disaster, but I would still expect them to mind a little.
-I'm getting a kinda shapeshifter vibe from this. I don't really know why. I think it might be the two guys fighting over a girl and the territory stuff and all o' that.
-You don't have a large variety of sentence structure. A lot of it is "subject action." Try to vary it a little, otherwise it gets a little monotonous.

Mainly, I think that you should completely edit this. If you want any help with that, then PM me.

Hope this helped and keep writing!
Auxiira^^

I updated the formatting. Hopefully this will improve readability. Any tips on formatting?