My fingers lock around the door knob, I turn it open slowly, making sure no one is watching. I close it, trying to keep the click as quiet at possible. I walk down the hall, my shoes making a tap-tap-click-tap-tap-click against the tile. I contiune down, until I find my favorite room, labeled "Cosma's Room." With a smile, I open the door, I step in, closing the door behind me, my room. The room of mirrors. I laugh, walking down the room, seeing myself walk.
"I love this room." I smile, gently twirling in a circle, childlish yes, but, this is one place I have to myself.
But it always wasn't like that. I use to have a best friend, who, after many, many attemps at getting back together as best friends, decieded not to. I'm sure she hates me now.
Tap-tap-click-tap-tap-click, that click inbetween the taps, a reminder of my home. A huge metal spaceship, her home among the stars. A spaceship named Painted Lady, she covers me head to toe in this room.
I walk down to my last row of mirrors, and seeing something I don't normally do, stop. A boy, in the mirror, looking back at me.
I slow smile finds its way on my lips, she did this, my old friend. I take the mirror in my hands, and carefully, take it back to my room. I run my finger over his outline, not feeling the paint texture. I jump at a knock at the door.
"Cosma?" Asks my best friend Truth, I run over and open the door, he's playing around with his phone, I slap his wrist, he looks up at me from it and smiles.
"Whats that?" He points to the mirror, slipping his phone into his pocket.
"I found it, I think it was from her." I say, letting him in. He closes the door behind him, and steps to the mirror.
"What, so he can watch you?"
"No! You are the creeper out of the two." I protest, he smiles, shaking his head.
"At least, I don't jump into your showers." He smirks.
"One time!" I laugh.
"Oh wow, one time! One time I just happened to jump into Truth's shower, then, I screamed, seeing a guy naked for the first time." He laughs.
"Not funny." I punch his shoulder playfully, I'm rewarded with a small "Oww," then, a shove onto my bed. He sits on top of me, tickling me, to the point where I can't breathe.
"Truth!" I laugh, coughing for air, "Truth!" He stops and gets off of me.
"There, learned your lesson." He smiles. I hear a few beeps from his phone, he takes it out, "Bed time. Night." He leans over and kisses me, I smile, and in a weak attempt, try to get him to stay, it doesn't work however, because he's scared my father will get mad at him if we sleep together.
"I love you." I smile, closing the door once he's out, I hear him say it too, I press my lips against the door, and then move to get ready for bed.
Once I'm ready, I crawl into bed, missing the warmth from Truth. I close my eyes, allowing myself to relax.
Just sleep, Truth's voice says in my head, I'm only a few seconds away if trouble arises.
Chapter Two Paint
I wash my face off, dirt clinging into my pores, I press harder with the damp washcloth, but it doesn't seem to help. I dry mysef off, and look up in the mirror, I jump. A girl with red hair stares back at me, I look behind me, nobody.
"Wow," I breathe, tracing her hair, feeling no paint texture. I rip the mirror off the wall, she is the most beautiful girl I have ever lay eyes on, blue eyes and that red hair. I bite my lip, sneaking out of my neighbor's house with it.
I run into my room, setting it against my dresser. I scratch my head, thinking.
"Paint!" Comes my mother's voice, I run into our kitchen, "Dinner." She sets a small portion of meat on the table, smaller then yesterday's, I sit down, looking up at her.
"I'm sorry Paint, just be glad you have it." She sits next to me, while I eat, savoring each bite. My family is poor, my father works mulitulple jobs, and my mother tries to farm. I don't go to school, instead, I learn from my mother. I finish the meat quickly, smacking my lips.
"Go get some berries." She hands me a basket, and I run out to the berry bushes. I collect them, rubbing one between my fingers.
"Paint Berries." I say aloud. I smile, allowing myself to eat it. There my favorite berries, because they're odd looking, like me, and their name "Paint." My name is Paint anways, so I only love them more because of it. I run in the house, handing the basket to my mother.
"I love you, my buddy." My father says, picking me up in a huge embrace.
"Love you too, Dad." I smile, giving him a kiss. He sets me down, and goes off to work, while mother tucks me in bed.
I close my eyes, and after a few minutes, begin to enter that world between dreams and reality.
If only life where like this place.
Hey, Aleta here for a review. I don't know if you are still active but I felt the need to review this piece anyway.
My fingers lock around the door knob, I turn it open slowly, making sure no one is watching. I close it, trying to keep the click as quiet at possible. I walk down the hall, my shoes making a tap-tap-click-tap-tap-click against the tile. I contiune down, until I find my favorite room, labeled "Cosma's Room." With a smile, I open the door, I step in, closing the door behind me, my room. The room of mirrors. I laugh, walking down the room, seeing myself walk.
The first few sentences seem like you kind of just strung them together without a thought. Too many commas at once. I would suggest separating your sentences and fix that typo. The imagery is awfully boring if I have to say. You don't really give the reader anything to feed off of. It's just like: laugh, walking, smile, close...Stronger words would be appreciated. Also the tap tap click tap thing is really unnecessary. Here's a fix:
My fingers lock around the door knob. I turn it slowly so no one would watch nor hear me. I close it, trying to keep the click as quiet as possible. I tread down the hall, my shoes making a tapping noise against the tile. I turn the corner and find my favorite room, or rather Cosma's Room. With a grin, I step in and close the door behind me. The room of mirrors and (imagery!). I laugh, skipping across the room as I look at my reflection.
But it always wasn't like that. I use to have a best friend, who, after many, many attemps at getting back together as best friends, decieded not to. I'm sure she hates me now.
Two typos here, should be attempts and decided. And why is this relative to this story exactly? You kind of just throw it at us for no reason.
Tap-tap-click-tap-tap-click,
You should try to find something different to say besides this.
Sorry the review is short.
Thanks for the review. This is a very old work so I didn't really read through it, but hey, thanks anyways XD
okay this story is really intriguing, if not a bit confusing at first, but I'm sure it will be better explained once more chapters are posted. I like the whole "room of mirrors" idea. I'm not sure what's exactly going on with the spaceship and the friend that isn't a friend anymore though, so maybe you could say a little bit more about them? Just a suggestion. Anyways, onto the grammatical stuff:
""I love this room." I smile, gently twirling in a circle, childlish yes, but, this is one place I have to myself."
should be: I smile, gently twirling in a circle. Childish yes, but, this is....
"I slow smile finds its way on my lips, she did this, my old friend."
should be: A slow smile finds its way to my lips. She did this, my old friend.
""Cosma?" Asks my best friend Truth, I run over and open the door, he's playing around with his phone, I slap his wrist, he looks up at me from it and smiles."
should be: "Cosma?" asks my best friend Truth. I run over and open the door. He's playing around with his phone. I slap his wrist and he looks up at me, smiling.
"I protest, he smiles, shaking his head."
should be: I protest. He smiles, shaking his head.
""One time!" I laugh.
"Oh wow, one time! One time I just happened to jump into Truth's shower, then, I screamed, seeing a guy naked for the first time." He laughs."
- the first time I read this part I was a bit confused as to who was saying what. just try to clarify it a little bit.
"He smiles. I hear a few beeps from his phone, he takes it out, "Bed time. Night." He leans over and kisses me, I smile, and in a weak attempt, try to get him to stay, it doesn't work however, because he's scared my father will get mad at him if we sleep together."
should be: He smiles. I hear a few beeps from his phone and he takes it out. "Bed time. Night." He leans over to kiss me. I smile and weakly attempt to get him to stay. It doesn't work however, because...
I smile, closing the door once he's out, I hear him say it too, I press my lips against the door, and then move to get ready for bed.
should be: I smile, closing the door once he's out. I hear him say it too. I press my lips against the door and then move to get ready for bed.
"I wash my face off, dirt clinging into my pores, I press harder with the damp washcloth, but it doesn't seem to help."
should be: I wash my face off, dirt clinging into my pores. I press harder...
"If only life where like this place."
should be: were instead of where.
all in all you just need to add more detail. Many of your sentences are short and choppy, and you need more word selection. Instead of saying "smile" all the time use "beam" or "grin" or "smirk" or something, same for "laugh." Thesauruses are a writer's best friend. Also just watch how many commas you use, and watch your punctuation. Too many commas makes a sentence sound choppy. There wasn't much of a flow in these two chapters, but I think with some work you could have the makings of a great novel.
Hi there!
Alright, I'm going to split this review into three parts: one for each chapter and then an overall section. So, here we go!
Chapter 1
*this sentence could be better. I always preach that an opening sentence should be the best sentence in the piece, pulling the reader in and making them want to read more. Right now, it's alright. But if you rearrange the words a bit, it'll be great. See, look at it this way:
Written this way, there is much more suspense. Not only that, but it gives it some emotion, really showing how the character has this desire to be completely silent. And then you add in the next sentence: " I close it, trying to keep the click as quiet at possible." This is good because it keeps up with the sneaky attitude.
*alright, this sounds a bit choppy. And you did this in the first part I quoted too, but you don't have to always shut the door after it's opened. Know what I mean? Readers are going to assume that your character shut the door behind her. Now, if you use different punctuation you can really get this sentence to flow. Like this: "With a smile I open the door. I look around and take in the scenery. A smile spreads across my face. This is it; my room." See how you can add a few words and completely change the feel of a simple sentence? I think it's just amazing. Sorry, I'm such an literature junkie...bear with me ^-^
*This sentence is a little confusing to me. Isn't she in the room now? Is she walking around her room? I'm just wondering. And how does the click remind her of home?
*the comma should be after 'and', not after 'mirrors'
This chapter is a good introduction. I like how you give me some information about the main character, Cosma. There isn't much I know about her, but that's good because it makes me want to read on and find out more about her. Your voice is strong and you did a good job with the dialogue. I would've liked to see some setting though. I'm not really sure where this takes place besides in Cosma's room. Is it in her house or does she live somewhere else?
Chapter 2
*this should be two different sentences. Put a period after 'pores'.
*nitpicks. It flows better like this.
*hm...I don't particularly like when writers do this. We already know that this boy's name is Paint so you don't have to say it again. But I can see how it relates to the berries so you could write it like this: "I share a name with these berries. That's one of the reasons I like them so much." That way it's not so straightforward and you're not just coming out and having your character announce their name.
I think you should make it more apparent that there is a change in narrator here. Honestly, I though Paint was the title of the chapter, not the name of the character. So I'd suggest putting something like this at the beginning of your chapters:
Chapter 1
Cosma
...and then...
Chapter 2
Paint
That way you are specifying who is narrating each chapter. And your readers will understand better.
I really, really like the idea of the mirror. I honestly think that it's the coolest thing ever. Cosma sees Paint in the mirror and Paint sees Cosma. It's so cool! I can't wait to figure out how the mirror is able to do this and why they see each other.
Overall
This is a solid beginning to a good story. You're doing a good job developing your characters and I'm sure you'll continue through the next chapters. I can't wait to see the relationship between Cosma and Truth develop. I know they're best friends and all that, but Cosma has already lost one best friend and I'm sure she doesn't want to lose another one. I can't wait to see what she'll do to cling to Truth. And I'm sure when Cosma and Paint meet it'll be magical! Oh gosh, look at me getting ahead of myself. Anyway...
So your storyline is good. One thing I have to point out about your writing is that you tend to overuse commas. There are many times when you could've started a new sentence, but you put in a comma and kept going. That's fine, but if you do that too much it becomes annoying. I suggest going back and reading over these chapter out loud. You'll be able to hear the flow and the commas and all that.
I really enjoyed reading this. If you post another chapter I'll be happy to review it!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**