Chapter 1
I sit down on the old boat's ramp, letting my shoes barely touch the water's surface. I sigh sadly, feeling empty and sad, looking out at the pale blue water that's cool to the touch. I sigh again, remembering the days of laughter and fun on those waters. It's a sad feeling that makes me ache inside, and I can't seem to fight my way out of it. I pick at the grass nearby, and I am filled with sorrow.
I miss the days of smiles and joy with both of my parents.
But now they're getting a divorce.
They told me it wasn't my fault, they just don't love each other like they once did.
I heave a another sigh as I look out into the water, thinking about how I would just like to sit here. Its nice here--nicer than my house.
As I look out across the waters, I see a ripple in the distance. Just barely. But I know that I do see it.
I scrutentize the water as it's motion dies and fades back into stillness. I know that I saw something. I know I did.
Abruptly, a beautiful face submerges from the water in a deadly splash and I jump to my feet. A girl with stunning aqua blue hair leaps from the water, making me think of a swimming dolphin. I begin stripping my overshirt off to dive in and save her, but just then I see it.
A long, slender tail shiny, and blue. splashes forth and breaks thourgh the surface of the gleaming water., only to vanish into the deep again I freeze suddenly, my overshirt half slipped down my arms. The water ripples after the effect, and my eyes search for the finned girl.
There! I see it! An angelic Mermaid just vaguely out of the reaches of the boat's ramp! The Mermaid hovers on th surface of the water and cocks her head to the side, studying me for a moment before sinking into the blue again. I peer forward, closer, trying not to scare her away completely.
I lean closer, is this what it takes to make me happy? To see a mermaid? A thing of pure myth and legend? Her hair floats around her now, in a mess of blue. There she is! Just there, looking at me.
She peeks up at me from below the wate then, closer this time, her crystal blue eyes gleaming through the waves as she ascends. Her eyes are a bright, vibrant blue that shimmers in the light of the setting sun, and her hair is a deep aqua streaked with sapphire.
She smiles at me softly from beneath the water. I reach out, trying to touch her, to see if she will come to land and use her magic to make me happy again. But as my outstretched hand reaches, her smile fades and her dazzling blue eyes disapear under the water's current in a flash. A tail fin splashes me with water, and the mermaid darts off into the lake.
I stand there motionless, my black shirt and hoodie dripping from her splash, that perfectly aimed splash that she knew would reach me. Her powerful tail that can lash out so voilently, so suddenly. And yet can keep her afloat so gently.
The water stills, and I am alone. Alone as if she had never even been there. My moment of happiness is over now as I sit back down on the boat's ramp, feeling empty again. This is what I get for trying to be happy, I think as the silence surrounds me yet again, splashed in the face by a mermaid.
I stand up at last and walk home, walking past the same old buildings as always towards my Dad's house. I open the door and trudge to my room dad isn't here at work, still amazed by the fact that I saw a freaking mermaid! I get on my computer and pull up an article on mermaids. Making sure I throw my bag on the bed, not caring about my messy room, it's gone down hill lately, and to be honest I don't care.
I learn about how they are, the way they're bones work, they're everything, and when I'm done, I know how to meet that Mermaid.
I just have to keep one thing in mind; Meeting one, could mean, the end of me.
It is definitely a solid idea, but I think you need to re-read this and try to sort out a few complications. There seems to be time missing, and the emotions of your characters are a little off. I would suggest having someone edit this. You are more than welcome to send pieces to me. You can private message me if you would like to contact me. As always, good luck to you and your writing.
Note to everyone, the MC is a guy... Not a she, it's a he.
Hi There! Spark here to review :3 So first off, love your title <3 It put me in mind of blue seas and blond flowing locks and shining tales. Anyway, to the review.
sadly and sad are much too close together. Change one of them or delete one of them.
Enough with the sighing. Can't she perform any other action?
If I saw a mermaid, I'd be a lot more freaked out than this girl. Is this a usual occurrence in this world?
Wait, she's happy about this? I would be freaking out, if was her. And this is a normal world? It's a freaking mermaid! She shouldn't be not believing it's there and then screaming when she realizes it is. Also, I really haven't felt her emotions change at all. I haven't felt any emotions, in fact. All I know is she sighs a lot.
She lost sight of the mermaid? When?
water
This abruptly interrupted a story that until now was about divorce and mermaids. and it's very telly. Why not show us her room is messy instead?
Fixed this, because there was a bunch of convention mistakes.
okay, so there are a few things you really need to work on. First off, how believable this piece is. I don't believe in this mermaid, and I don't believe that our MC is sad or surprised by the mermaid. In fact, if you asked me, this and emotion are your biggest problems in this piece. Because your emotions are fake. Your MC isn't believable in the slightest. Also, you're telling, not showing. Everything from the description of your MCs bedroom and the reason she's sad screams of it. Work on your descriptions through thoughts, sight smell... etc. Maybe she smells the cool water instead of seeing it--get creative! I know you can!
Anyway, it's a great idea and I love that you're talking about mermaids. Can't wait to see more!
Spark
Hi there, Pega ^-^ And happy review day (Go Tsunami Tyrants! Hehehe)
And I was happy to help with the editing c: Hope you were pleased with it. And sorry for disappearing earlier, my internet died -_-
Anyhoo! Back to business:
This piece is awesome!!!!!!!!! Heheheheheheheheee! We both know it’s awesome and we put a lot of work into it *says Loyal Editor*. Excellent work. Nice characters, lovely story, plot, ect. Work on your description still, of course, and put your all into it! Never hold back on the first draft, let it all out. Put down everything you feel, even if it doesn’t quite fit, in the first draft—save the editing and polishing for later.
Nice title for a quickie btw c: Hope to read the next chapter soon, love, and come to me when you need my assistance again!
And check out some of my work, gurlie! On account of review day c:
Keep up the good work <.3
Nippy~
Hi there! Noelle here with a Review Day review.
I'll start off by saying that this story really intrigued me. I'm not really a fan of mermaids, but my best friend is and she's slowly started warming me up to the idea. So I was excited to start reading and figure out what this mermaid is all about. And you did not disappoint.
I like how the story is so simple. It's about this boy sitting near the water, thinking of how his life used to be good and he used to be happy. And then this mermaid comes along and he feels that all over again. You did a good job with character development with this. The main character is described well. I do wish you would have gave him a back story here. We don't know much except that his parents are getting divorced and he's not happy.
Now that I've said that, onto the review:
*I think it'll sound better like this.
*you've already pointed out that the character is sad. You don't need the extra 'sad' here. Maybe you could just keep it at 'feeling empty'.
*you've already said that the character is looking out over the ocean. It becomes repetitive at this point.
Overall this is a good start. There are some grammar and spelling mistakes, but I know that you can catch them once you read through this again. I can't wait to read more and really get to know your main character and the mermaid.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
[qupte] letting my shoes barely touch the water's surface.[/quote]
The way this is phrased sounds kind of forced.
"Barely letting my shoes touch the water's surface." It's all about the placement of that "barely" that makes the sentence work.
Okay, showing not telling. Showing not telling. I know it sounds so annoying and pointless to hear but for reals, it helps. You're repetition of the word "sigh" is kind of awkward and well, repetitive. We already know you are sad and we don't need you telling us twice to figure it out. The issue here too is you are telling and not showing. Also you could just completely cut out the second sigh, the following sentence is much stronger without it there.
We understand the emotion of this piece as sadness, we do not need multiple sighs to communicate that. Your emotion is good and it is present but you don't need to punctuate it with sooooo many sighs!
Okay, the face would emerge not submerge. Submerge means that the face is going under. And why is the splash deadly? The entire emotion in this section of the prose seems more magical than deadly. You've got to keep a constant tone and it jumps from melancholy to deadly to magical and it's kind of jarring. Just work on those transitions and make em more smooth!
This entire sentence confused me. Is she peeking up at me from below the waist? Or the wake? Also you do not need that comma. She peeks up at you and then comes closer. The sentence can be as simple as that. Sometimes simple is more eloquent.
Okay by the end of this piece I totally didn't buy the character any more. You rush the story along too quickly in the last two or three paragraphs. She gets home, jumps on her computer and all of a sudden in two seconds she knows all about mermaids and all their lore and all about how to meet them. Save all that for a part two and then part three can be her planning how to meet the mermaid. It doesn't have to go exactly like that but make sure you can move it along a little slower so you can make it a little more believable.
Nice use of the present tense, I can never do that. Keep writing!
Have* another isn't a noun, so it cannot have an infinitive in front of it.
It's= It is
Its= possessive
scrutenize = scrutinize
You say it is a deadly splash, but how can a splash be deadly? Even Pokemon makes fun of Splash Attack.
-More typos- +2
These are two completely separate ideas.
So originally s/he had on an overshirt. We never really get confirmation of gender in this entire thing. Although I'm speaking with you via CPMs, I'm inclined to think it's a girl just to make the point. So you have a girl sitting on the edge of the dock staring out at the water, but you never really describe the land, or the dock, or the algae that grows beneath/on/around a dock, or anything that a person would naturally do to distract herself. There's a lot of self pity in this piece, which at least puts me off. I don't really like it when people sit around and mope about their situation, especially not when they're not trying to change it. She's not running away, she's not hanging out with friends, she's not even delving into her school work to ignore it. Instead she's sitting on the dock of the bay, wishing her troubles would just magically vanish, and what do you know? Magic! I really don't see how a mermaid is going to fix that character flaw. I'd rather see her have a character flaw like lack of self preservation, or even clumsiness and have her fall into the lake and bump heads with the mermaid then get eaten for her stupidity. Overall, it feels like this is a short story, not a full on novel. There's not much to really get attached to, especially since we recognize the Disney mermaid: She's shy, timid, and beautiful. She doesn't really want to eat the face off or seduce men into letting her eat their soul/heart. x.x;
I do like your tense though, present first tense is nice.
c:
THANK YOU CATNIP!!!
I AM ALSO LOOKING FOR A WRITING BUDDY TO CO-WRITE WITH ME.
I WILL TEST YOU.
FOR MY OWN CRAZY REASONS.